Home for the Summer

I’m sitting on the train going back home to Ontario for the summer. Well actually, by the time this is posted I will be home…. I’m just saving this on a word document till I get home to some wifi where I can post it. Time warp.

I wanted so badly to go to the snack cart and order some food, maybe crackers or something. I keep fighting off the urge because I don’t actually feel hungry, I just keep thinking about food all the freaking time. I feel tired and weak and grumpy, but that’s become the norm the last couple of weeks. I have already eaten more than I am comfortable with over the last 24 hours.

Yesterday I went and got a crepe with a couple of friends which was SO uncomfortable. I didn’t want to go because I had no interest in eating anything whatsoever, but I needed to thank my two friends who helped me move into my new apartment. When one of them suggested we go and get some supper I pounced on the idea to show them my gratitude by paying, but that also meant that I had to go too….. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable so I got a savory  crepe; I figured If I just sat there while they ate it would be awkward, so I got the one that would give me the least anxiety. It was really tasty, but I’m not sure if it’s because everything is delicious to me right now or it’s because it was actually a good meal..

Anyway, then this morning I ate some breakfast so that I didn’t fall asleep in the cab on the way to the train station. I figured it was going to be a long ride filled with plenty of awkward moments; I didn’t want to make it worse by falling asleep on the poor driver. I’ve been snacking on hard candies when I do get feelings of hunger, but now I’m pretty sure I might go into a diabetic coma if I have any more – and boy would that be awkward! “Mom, dad, sorry I didn’t get off of the train when it rolled in I’ve actually been in the hospital the past little while…” I don’t think that would go over well.

I am just sipping on water and occasionally a hot chocolate (don’t ask why I can drink hot chocolate and chocolate milk on a good day but not anything else with chocolate in it… I don’t really understand either).

I am definitely going to have to get back in contact with my recovery team (type thing) in Ontario again. This is going to mean going to regular appointments with my nutritionist/shrink/councillor over the summer. I have got to get back on track before I fly too far off the handle bars (again). I have come too far to go back to square one. This has turned into much more than a hiccup and I need to put a stop to it now… I just might need to call in some reinforcements to help. I know I can do it though; this is one determined bitch that isn’t going to give up. Not this easily at least!

Fighting It

I am sitting in my room right now desperately fighting the urge to purge the only real food I ate today. I met up with a good friend of mine this afternoon...


Actually I think good friend is a bit of an understatement. Ally has been such a wonderful friend to me this year. She has taken me under her wing and been such a wonderful mentor to me. Coming back to school this year after my hiatus was so hard for me and I was so scared and unsure about everything. I had known her before, but only started really talking to her by chance, and it turned out to be the luckiest thing ever. Like EVER. She has given me guidance, advice, and helped me get back on track to recovery. I owe a lot of my successful year to her and words can not describe how thankful I am that she is in my life. She's graduating this year *sniff sniff* so we wanted to meet up again to catch up and see each other as much as possible before we part ways.




Me and Ally. I'm gonna miss this girl so much

Anyhoo, so she and I were talking and I realised that I really should have at least something. So I steamed some broccoli and cauliflower and while I was waiting ate a scoop of peanut butter. I don't have much food in my apartment as I am heading home in a couple of days and don't want to get groceries, so I have to work with what I have; and that's what I came up with. I'm not used to eating much anymore, so naturally I am so uncomfortable right now. Like holy shit.


I don't want to move, and I just want to purge and get rid of it all - both to relieve the discomfort and the anxiety from eating. As I was eating my plate of broccoli and cauliflower every bite was awful. I had to force every bite down my throat and honestly wanted to cry. ED was loving it. "That's right, keep stuffing your face you worthless piece of shit." "You look so pathetic right now." "Say goodbye to that nice flat stomach that you've achieved over the last week!" "Have fun watching your legs and ass grow even fatter!" 


To say I've fallen off track would be a bit of an understatement right now...


I haven't gotten that upset about eating anything in a long time. This is definitely not a good sign. I'm thinking at this point it would be a good idea to get back in touch with my recovery team from back home - summer break sure had good timing...


Till next time..


Steph

Exhausted

I knew this would happen. I knew it was only a matter of time before I couldn't drown out ED's voice anymore. Being so busy with school was great - until school ended and I was left alone with ED. Yesterday was when it got really bad, and since then I have been having a really rough time.


The hours are starting to feel like years again. Everything is losing its newness and freshness that I had once seen so vibrantly upon realising that ED didn't matter anymore. I could see the bleakness creeping back in, and feel the air getting heavier and thicker. I had so many things that I wanted to do with my time off of school before heading home and starting work again - now I don't want to get out of bed. I know that I would need food to fuel me in order to do most of these things, so naturally I'm losing interest in them.


I recently did my laundry which naturally makes your clothes shrink a bit. It had been a while since I had done laundry - which I blame student life for - so my clothes had a while to stretch out and get comfy, disguising the weight I've gained since the last two week crunch of school; during which time I had gained a noticeable amount of weight. I hadn't had time to notice this weight until I put on one of my pairs of pants (which had shrunk back to regular size in the wash) and was absolutely mortified. They were tight - like actually uncomfortably, embarrassingly tight. I almost started to cry.


ED was not only shrieking at me - he was teasing me; like on the playground when kids would mercilessly tease the fat kid at school. "Haha! That's what you get for eating those fries!!" "Oink oink, piggy!!". I tried distracting myself by going on the computer to listen to music but I looked and saw an empty box of crackers on my desk - queue ED again. "Go figure, a fat ass with empty food packaging all over the place...." I looked down as the tears started flooding my eyes, preparing to curl up in a ball and sob when I heard "Oh my god thunder thighs!!!!" "Someone get a harpoon!!"


I went out for lunch today with some friends and couldn't help hearing "And now you are eating more?? What the fuck is wrong with you!!?!?!?" Since I didn't eat anything else before then, I was uncomfortably full which made it worse. "You know you're a fat ass when you go into a food coma!" "You deserve this discomfort! Let that be a lesson to you, you disgusting piece of shit!"


Ugh, I just want to sleep and not deal with any of this. The worst part is that I need to eat all the food in my apartment before I leave for the summer, but that's the last thing I want to be doing right now!! I have absolutely no intention of eating anything else today, or for a while for that matter; just so I can dull EDs voice for a while. I can't take it, it's awful today.


I am going to need to work really hard to stay  on track, but I am so exhausted. This sucks :(

blah

I sit here in my room feeling rather defeated. It's a pretty awful feeling, but I'm not sure why I have it. My week has been a mix of good and bad things/feelings/happenings. I have been in two performances, played my jury (playing test on my main instrument) and gone to one get together since my last post. I am supposed to be at one tonight but I just don't feel up to it.


I was so happy and relieved to only be bothered minimally by ED over the last while (with a few exceptions). I had some fried foods and didn't even care. I had s piece of a cookie one of my profs made (she is amazing) and didn't think twice about it. I was finally starting to live again to the fullest. I couldn't believe it - I was actually more normal for once!


When I was getting ready for one of my performances this weekend I put on my dress clothes and ED saw his chance to welcome himself back into my head and pounced on it. "Oh my god you look disgusting!!" "What the hell happened??!" "You best hope no one sees this!". I found myself constantly trying to hide different things I was uncomfortable with throughout the day. I would pull my cardigan over my stomach to cover it and pull my pants up to cover my hips. The worst part was that I need food for fuel to focus and give a good performance but I the last thing I wanted to do was eat FOOD. I was in a constant battle with myself all day long. It was like everything went back to normal again and ED clawed his way back into my consciousness. He has impeccable timing - he leaves for a bit just to make me think I am finally free and then he comes back out of nowhere like "Hey fat ass, did you miss me?"


So that was Sunday. Then yesterday was my Jury. I was scared shitless for this because I didn't feel confident in all of the pieces I played. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but I'm honestly just glad it's over.  As soon as I stepped out of the room after playing my pieces ED started talking. "That sucked, what the hell are you doing here??" "If you get a passing mark I guarantee it is out of sympathy, you pathetic piece of shit" "You can't play guitar, you suck at theory, you can't sing or play piano or keep time. You suck at everything to do with music but can't do anything else - why do you even exist??"


Always a pleasure to talk to ED...


Then later yesterday was the recital. I went to my apartment to get ready and ED started getting louder. "Have fun squeezing your fat ass into those dress pants again!" I thought about putting some makeup on and getting really dressed up but then I heard "Don't bother, no amount of makeup could fix that nasty face of yours" "You can't even do makeup very well anyways" So I opted against it and made my way back to campus to perform in the studio recital.


Afterward we all went to my teachers house for some drinks and a nice hang out before the summer. Queue EDs shrill cries. "You don't belong here, these are MUSICIANS - you are embarrassing yourself" "You are going to make a total idiot of yourself, don't go!!"
This morning when I woke up ED was furious. I could hear him shrieking at me over my headache "SEE!!?! what did I tell you? You looked so stupid! - One of these things just doesn't belong here!!" "Why did you eat that food after the recital with everyone?! Now you're going to put on even MORE weight you disgusting little fuck!"


Needless to say I rolled over and stayed in bed for most of the day. I didn't want to deal with anything anymore. I am so exhausted from this year and all of the bullshit life's dealt me so far. Exams could not have come sooner - now I have time to tackle ED and get some much needed rest.


Today is a pretty good example of where I got the title for this blog. In a sense I am currently sitting in a prison that I have constructed for myself since developing my ED. I am at home, not out with friends comfortable in my own misery and self loathing. It is safe and secure - there is no way to make a fool of myself because it's just me. But this is an illusion to look like a comfy resting place - it is actually prison. This little nook that I had believed for so long was safe and secure was the very thing that was keeping me from living my life and therefore became my prison. The longer I stay in it the tighter the locks get and the harder it is to get out. I hate it an love it at the same time. It is my home, my haven and my infernal hell.


I will need to work to get back on track over the next little while.


Until next time,




A very tired fighter

AUSOM party

I was so nervous for this. I didn't want to go and wasn't going to originally, but when I woke up the morning of I decided that I would go. It turned out to be the best idea I've had in a while!!


Every year my school holds the SAMMYS - like the grammys but AUSOM (Acadia U School Of Music) style. There are different awards that can be won by being nominated for like best smile, miss/mr. congeniality, most likely to be found in the lounge etc. It is a formal event that is normally in the music building but because the term has been so screwy it just turned into a semi-formal house party. I have never gone to this before because in first year I was really struggling with my eating disorder (in fact I was probably at the gym for the nth hour that day..) and last year I went home. This year I was here, healthy and wanted very  much to go. There were some things that were holding me back however:

• I don't have any formal attire. Over the summer as one of my homework assignments in therapy was to throw out all of the clothes that reminded me of/I associated with my eating disorder. This included all clothes that only fit when I was a certain size and clothes that made me feel bad when I wore them. Which was all of my formal wear. I found out later that not a lot of people were getting dressed up which then left the next issue...
• Without missing a beat ED came into the picture. "You are going to do something really stupid" "Just do everyone a favour and stay home" "No one even wants you to be there anyway" ... this definitely made me not want to go. When I found out that one of my friends was going we decided to go together - this made me feel a lot more comfortable and confident. Megan has known about my eating disorder for quite sometime now and has been a wonderful support. It made me feel good knowing that she was going to be there with me; this made me calm and able to focus on the now - in that sense she was like my anchor.

Me and Megan at the party

It was a wonderful night with lots of people and music. I even made some new friends! This is very difficult for me, and I'm glad that I was able to meet some really cool new people! I needed a night of just fun after a hard term, it was so nice to kick back with a few drinks and some great friends... It was even worth the hangover yesterday!


Till next time,


Steph