Feeling Better

Today I went to the post office to find a surprise from a dear friend of mine who is doing her internship in Alberta. It was a package containing some of my favorite sweet treats and an amazing card with some awesome inspirational quotes and sayings printed out for me. She knows about the struggles I've been having and took it upon herself to send me this uplifting package. As well, just yesterday a friend of more than 10 years texted me and caught up with me. We talked about life and Pentatonix and it was a great distraction from life. A friend of mine has offered to study with me so that when I feel overwhelmed I can talk to her right there and then when I need it. I can not express in words how much these things mean to me.


The last few months had been awful day after awful day (as per usual) in which I had spent faking a smile and going through the motions of every day hoping to get it over with. Today I had plans of going home and making myself a drink and miserating in my room alone while attempting to make a dent in my mountain of school work that isn't doing itself. I have been struggling with my eating disorder quite a lot lately. The feeling of worthlessness and insignificance keeps hindering in the back of my mind. I have been really uncomfortable in my body and hating every inch of it. I know that I need to eat to fuel and I've done a pretty good job of keeping ED at bay by telling myself that I need the nutrients to do everything I have to do, but it's getting harder and harder.


Seeing that my friend took the time to make me those pictures and card and treats and send it to me reminds me that there are people that care about me. Just because one asshole threw me out doesn't make me any less of a person and certainly doesn't define my worth - if it did, he wouldn't have been the only one to do so. Knowing that my friend cared enough to send me a text showed me that people are thinking of me and that people do care about me. I am not a fucking jack-o-lantern, I am a human being who should not be carving her leg. I deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. The fact that things didn't work out with that asshole is no reflection on me and I have nothing to be sorry for. This term may be the term from hell - the worst one of my university career so far, but I need to keep going. I can't give up, I've worked too hard to get this far and I won't just give up.


I will be discouraged, and I will want to give up - fuck knows I already have felt these things. I won't let these things get in the way though. This has been by far my greatest challenge since my eating disorder. It has been probably the next hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I have to keep going. If ED can't keep me down then god damnit, a hellish year isn't going to either


There will be days this resolve will break. Hell, it's a pretty shaky one right now if I'm being completely honest, but I know that thinking about it will help me get through this. Knowing that I have people who care about me will help me keep this resolve and keep move forward. I may not have the energy anymore to come back swingin' or make a dramatic bounce back but I can crawl to the finish line, knowing that I'm not alone. I don't have to go through this by myself. For now if that's all I can muster I know that my amazing friends will help me out with the rest and that means the world :')


If you know someone with some or all of my struggles or even someone who is just going through a hard time, take a minute to reach out to them. Just because they haven't contacted you doesn't mean they don't want to hear from you, it might just mean they don't have the strength in them to ask for help. Maybe they're so busy with life that asking for help is the last thing on their mind. Maybe they're so down on themselves they don't think they deserve it. Your effort could be enough to turn their day around. You won't fix them, but you could give them the strength they need to start fixing themselves.


It means the world. Really, it does <3

Still Fucking Tired

Ugh, nothing has gotten better. At all.


I am taking five courses and three labs that are literally going to determine the course of my life for the next few years at least. I need a certain average to get into the nutrition major and can't fail a single course in part because it would bring my average below what is required, but also because they are pre-reqs for other courses I need to take in the two years after this. I fail a course, I don't keep going. End of the line. All that work for nothing. I don't have the money to spend a year catching up. Here's the kicker - I am pretty sure I am failing or close to it in most of these classes. Like no exaggeration - and it's scaring the hell out of me.


I had the option of dropping stats which is my lowest mark so far and take it online over the summer. UUMM, OK!! the last online courses this summer went great! Sign me up!! *rolls eyes*. Naturally I need to take this in class as I was not made to be able to do online courses successfully; so I stayed in the class (the last day to drop it without getting a failing mark was Friday) but now the pressure's on - and I'm already breaking under the pressure.


On top of all that I keep thinking of the dick head I met before and it's not helping. Part of the issues I was having with ED was the feeling of worthlessness; that no one cared about me or that I was just a nuisance to everyone. That I didn't matter, and didn't deserve to exist. Now having someone prove that I don't matter is only making it harder to combat those thoughts. I can think all I want about other factors, ect. like I was taught in therapy, but even when we were "together" he made it painfully clear that he didn't care. If it was that god damn easy for him to be like that to me, he can't be the only problem. Now, how much of that is me and how much of that is ED thinking that, I don't even know anymore, and I'm exhausted from trying to figure it out. The fact is, that someone was fine with throwing me out like a piece of trash and it's been telling me a lot about my own worth.


I spent most of the weekend like most ordinary days now - crying in my room. On my way home from the gym today I thought I was having a pretty good day, so I got a bag of M&M's to have my own mini (belated) Halloween snack while I study (as I couldn't on the weekend because I was crying..). I started thinking about him on my way home and got upset and didn't want the candy anymore. Not long after I thought "fuck that prick, I want my damn candy" and ate the M&M's. As soon as I finished them, he came back into my head along with all of the school and financial stress that I have and ED came back like a god damn hurricane
"Hey fat ass, did you miss me?" "Did you actually think you could exist without me??" "M&M's? Really?" "You are why he left you. Sorry to break it to you" "You are going to fail. Have fun proving everyone right that said you couldn't do it - plus, falling on your face won't be so bad, it's ugly anyway - and then it would fix your overbite! Hahaha!!"
I went to curl up in a ball to cry when I noticed my legs and tummy and heard "We definitely  have to fix those" "Please don't wear workout pants until we fix it - you look disgusting." "How do you even fit in those? I'm surprised they haven't ripped right open"


To say that I'm a mess is an understatement. I'm watching my life fall apart in front of me and can't do anything about it because I'm falling apart too. I have been doing everything I can to stay afloat but it isn't working anymore - I take one step forward and end up taking three back. I can feel ED trying to take over again and I just don't have the energy anymore to fight back. I can't do this anymore - I want to disappear, but that costs money which I don't have :/

Tired

I'm currently sitting on my bed having slept all day. I have had the worst few months and I'm getting really tired of facing every day with a fake ass smile on my stupid face. I've spun a web too big and thick to handle. This cluster fuck is kicking my ass hard. I don't know what way is up anymore.


Over the summer I took two online courses (a grade 11 chem and 12 chem) so that I could switch into nutrition. It kept me so busy that I didn't have time to post at all. I would get home from work (in a frikin warehouse which was exhausting enough) and start working on school and go to bed. Repeat cycle.


My youngest sister was teaching me the grade 11 stuff. I don't think she'll ever know how grateful I am for that. I never would've gotten through it myself considering I hadn't taken a science course in 7 years and I have a learning disability that makes reading comprehension extremely difficult (so naturally taking an online course that consists of reading material made the most sense). Then it was time for the grade 12 which my cousin helped with, and Kahn Academy and Crash Course. I got back to Wolfville early because I always come back early and I had to move into my new apartment. I got in contact with my chem tutor who helped me start the course before I left and her and I put in an insane amount of hours to get this course done in time. The original deadline was when course registration ended. The teacher was near impossible to get a hold of so I couldn't get my marks in before then. The head of the chem department at my school gave me an extension to the end of September. I literally JUST met it because when I asked the teacher to open the exam so I could write it (when he finally got back to me) he opened a unit that had been closed before and had opened the exam but not in an easy spot to get to. This was also a whole fiasco but eventually I finished the course completely with the help of my amazing tutor and wrote the exam. The marks were in the day before the second deadline.
I felt even more of a need to do well with this because I had found out in the meantime that my dad told my sister that he didn't think I could do it. He also spent the entire summer trying to convince me to switch back to music. Even now he is. I texted my mom to tell her that I had finished the course and she told me that he wanted her to inform me that there was a job posting for a non certified music therapist in my hometown..
How do you tell your asshole father to fuck off without actually saying it? Now I have to Skype with my family at some point this weekend and I would rather blow my fucking head off.


Unfortunately now I have a months worth of work at this school to catch up on. I didn't want to get too immersed because if I missed the second deadline it was all over, plus I couldn't really concentrate that well because of the deadline. I would be sitting in stats class thinking about covalent bonds and Hess's law. Wrote a slew of midterms that were all failing marks and missed I don't even want to know how many assignments. Now for the "break" I need to catch up on all of that.


Switching has been an even bigger culture shock than I thought it would be. I lost count of how many times I had been sized up walking into every one of my classes, on the first day alone. Since I am in all first year classes I get to listen to "Oh my god she slept with him? What a bitch!" and "Can't wait to get fucked up tonight! I still have to buy vodka for tonight, do you have your fake ID on you?"
The culture is completely different. I'm used to being around music students where everyone welcomes everyone and no one judges. In my first chem lab, I asked the girl across from me if she could help me out with balancing a couple of the equations we had, and she sized me up and reluctantly just gave me the answers as like a "go away". I miss seeing my friends all the time. I miss belonging somewhere. I miss not having to worry about what people say about me when I leave the room.
I keep wanting to switch back, but for what? I was not made to be a music therapist. I would sit in my classes and think about how much I didn't want to be there. I didn't like music the way that I did before and I felt trapped there, doomed to start a career that I wasn't interested in. I love my nutrition classes and I love learning the material that they involve, it's just discouraging when you feel like you don't belong anywhere anymore and your learning disability makes all of these classes extremely difficult.

My apartment that was supposed to be made in the upstairs of my landlords house is STILL being built. His kids have since moved away and him and his wife don't need the upstairs and he figured he would turn the upstairs into a couple of apartments so I signed a lease for a single apartment with my own bathroom, bedroom and kitchen which was to be completed on September 1st. I got back to move my stuff in the week before and it looked the exact same as it did before I left in April. Literally no change. I had a bedroom and the surprise that I was actually sharing my bathroom with a new tenant down the hall. Over the summer my landlord had him move in and offered him my bathroom without informing me, so this was news when I got back. It turns out that he is great and clean and stuff, but still WHAT THE FUCK??? this is not what I signed up for!! As of right now I have been eating out every day because I didn't have a kitchen. I have been slowly acquiring a kitchen. A couple weeks ago I got a table with chairs, about a week ago was a stove and just yesterday (or the day before I can't remember) I just got a fridge. I can hear my land lord working on it right now and it's fucking 10:30 at night. It is extremely expensive to eat out. I have lost a ridiculous amount of money because of it and gained an uncomfortable and noticeable amount of weight.


When I got back, my ED saw this lack of progress as an opportunity that he pounced on. "Oh darn, that's expensive, maybe save some money and don't eat.." "You're already home, no sense in going all the way to town to get food and lose homework time"
After a while I noticed it was having very negative effects again, so I decided to nourish my body as best as I could when eating out all the time. The problem is that there isn't a lot of variety for someone who doesn't have the money. I am sick of every single fast food place in town. The thought of subway, naked crepe, joes, any place on campus, makes me want to throw up. And as I said I have gained a disgusting amount of weight.
On the plus side, I just got a fridge so I'm going to the grocery store to get some good food to nourish my body with. I don't want anything at all, but I need it and I know that and at this point I would eat shit over fast food. A friend and I are going to be going to the gym together starting this week. She has had struggles with food in the past so we are going together so I can show her healthy exercising habits. This will be good for me because as I mentioned in a previous post, I have to practice what I preach. I want to go for hours again, but I can't.


In the meantime, while all of the above was (and is) happening I met a guy that seemed promising right before I left for Ontario before the summer. We kept in touch till the last couple of weeks before I came back for school. He started being a dick and sent me a sassy text so I left him alone because he obviously wanted space. He didn't talk to me for a week and when he did it was just a mini journal entry. I was mad so I didn't respond. I never heard anything from him. I felt like I had been tossed aside which gave ED amo. "You're nothing special, he's moved on - he's probably fucking someone else right now" "Why would you think that you could ever have a relationship with anyone? That implies that someone would want you"
I was at a party with some of our mutual friends and got his number from one of them (I had taken him off of fb and my phone out of anger and fear. That's how I deal with things - I just say FUCK IT! and block people rather than deal with conflict) and asked him if we could meet up. We did and he explained himself and although I was still kinda mad I forgave him. He then mentioned at the end of the meeting that he had slept with someone else about a week prior. I was so angry I told him to leave. Que ED: "HAH! I was right!!!" "Told you! He got over you so fast!!"
In the meantime I thought about it and realised that at that point we both thought we were done, so I couldn't blame him that much. And to be honest, if I hadn't been cooped up in my room studying I probably would've found someone for a hookup. He just could, so he did.
We decided to give it a try again and he just last night said he can't balance school and a relationship (he's in 6 classes and 3 labs). To be honest after now about a month of watching my phone and almost never hearing from him and always being too busy to hang out with me it's probably best, but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less. Que ED again: "He's just doing that so he can fuck that other girl - she is the same major as him after all" "She's probably prettier and smarter and way more attractive than you anyway. Even if he picked you, he would be thinking of her. Wouldn't be surprised to hear him say her name instead.." "He said it isn't you, but so would anyone - trust me, it's you"


I don't know anymore. I'm tired and exhausted. I need help but I don't want it and I'm too tired to ask for it. I just want to curl up in a ball and forget everyone exists. I don't know what to do with my life and I'm tired of it. All I know is that I'm miserable and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Sorry this was so long - but it has been quite a few months...

I Have The Greatest Friends

Seriously, it's so true. I can't put in words how much these people mean to me. The last few days I have received an overwhelming amount of support that I will be forever grateful for. It makes me feel so much less lonely; like someone cares.


Yet another example of a "DO" when dealing with a loved one struggling with an ED. Taking a few seconds out of your day to text/e-mail/meet up with this person can mean the absolute world to them. I was being surrounded by a helplessness that inevitably joins ED when he decides to pay a visit. It can be so suffocating and exhausting to think that your life is always going to be shit and there's nothing you can do about it, and no one you can talk to about it. By taking the few seconds out to send a text saying "hey, I'm here for you" you can do so much for your loved one. This challenges the feelings of worthlessness that I feel and gives me amo to fight back at ED with. Now I have solid evidence and tangible facts to prove that I'm not insignificant and that people do care about me. This can make a world of difference for someone in my position - you probably don't realise just how much of a difference it actually makes, but we are so grateful it.


 I went to see my counsellor today. I was really appreciative of how quickly I was able to get an appointment with her, and it was great to see her again (although under different circumstances it would probably have been much better). She was helpful as usual and helped me to think about some things from a different perspective. Together we decided that making a meal plan and doing some therapy exercises would be best right now. I felt so much better after talking to her that I was able to get a sandwich from the SUB after the appointment. It was tough and I definitely felt some anxiety, particularly after eating it but I knew I needed the nutrients. If I'm going to be preaching to clients about how important food is, I can't turn around and be engaging in these disordered behaviours (a point that my counsellor made mention of). It makes so much sense though - I can't exactly be a nutritionist that routinely starves herself.....that's like having a dentist with crappy teeth - it just doesn't work.


Now that I have had some nutrients I'm in that part way between being healthy and feeling like shit. This happens every time I start eating again where I feel lightheaded after I move my head. It isn't like images shift or anything - my head just feels weird. I couldn't tell you why or how hat happens, but it only occurs for a few days if I keep up my food intake and goes away after that.


Now I am in the midst of creating a meal plan for the week. This will be a routine for a while - I need to make sure that I give my body all of the nutrients I had been depriving it of for a while now. I need to get back in the habit of eating well and nourishing my body. I will also be doing a lot more journaling and self caring. I have been a bitch to my body for the last couple of weeks and it's time to stop. If it weren't for my amazing friends and wonderful counsellor I wouldn't have been able to come to this conclusion on my own. I'm glad I came to it sooner than later!


I am so thankful for my support system I can't put it in words. I don't think they will ever truly know how much they mean to me and how much they have helped me. I don't know if anything I could do would ever show them that but I will certainly try because I'm one lucky girl :)

"DO's"

So I have contacted my counsellor and am now waiting for a response. I hope I hear back sooner than later - I want this pricks voice to dull down.


In the meantime I had e-mailed my mom out of frustration over a shitty start to the day. I slept in and by the time I got up I had 10 minutes till I had to leave and I realised that my roommate had just turned on the shower. I had a headache and felt hung over (due to the lack of nutrients) and going to class was the last thing that I wanted to do. This was the cherry on top of a crappy cake. He didn't do it maliciously or anything, so I didn't say anything and I'm not going to bring it up. It was an honest mistake, and I'm not mad at him I think it was just the general shitty feeling made that even worse than it already was. I went to school with awful morning breath and a greasy face but I was past the point of caring.


*Short Detour*


I went to the murder mystery and it was just as uncomfortable as I had feared. I went to mealhall and ate lots of food and each bite I took I couldn't help but feel shameful and embarrassed about the amount of food that I was eating. Then I had borrowed my friends dress that was a very nice dress but not on me. I couldn't help but feel bad about myself and loathe my body in it. After we ate supper it was worse because my stomach was OBVIOUSLY bulging. I was so uncomfortable. One of my friends mentioned how cold she was and was putting on track pants - an opportunity that I jumped on as I followed her lead. Later when we made it to the setting of  the murder mystery it was conveniently too cold to take my coat off which I also was thrilled about.


Anyway, that combined with the events this morning was a recipe for a shitty day


*back to the original story*


My mom had gotten back to me and I saw it later today. In this e-mail she attached a link to a ted talk entitled "the happy secret to better work" with Shawn Achor. I strongly recommend it to anyone who is interested in positive thinking exercises. She also told me in this e-mail how proud of me she is and how far I've come these past few years. She told me that set backs are ok and it's good that I'm getting help. This made me cry and immediately call her to thank her.

This is a wonderful example of a "DO" when dealing with a loved one with an ED for a number of reasons;

• The amount of guilt and frustration that I am feeling is immense. Something like shaming or telling someone that you are disappointed in them will only reaffirm these feelings, making them more intense - ultimately making the situation worse. By stating that set backs are ok this is validating my feelings and struggles, and making me feel safe confiding in her.
• By telling me that my mom is proud of me, she is validating me as a person. I feel completely worthless right now. I have been slacking on my homework/studying/practicing the last while because I have felt like such a bag of shit. This ends up making me feel worse because of the lack of work that has been done, adding fuel to the fire for ED. By my mom telling me that she is proud of me as well as adding that it is only a set back, this reaffirms that I am not worthless, that I am still a good person overall - right now I'm just struggling. It also reassures me that she isn't pissed off (which as mentioned before would only add fuel to the fire)
• Reminding me of how far I've come gives me hope. Times like these I basically don't think about the future. I generally accept defeat, throw in the towel and get used to the "fact" that I'm never going to beat this. By reminding me of how far I've come, it helps me see past that wall. I am better able to see that I've beaten ED before and am capable of doing it again
• By taking the time to find the video and link it in the e-mail, this tells me that she cared enough to take the couple of minutes out of her day to do this for me. It doesn't seem like it would have that much of an impact, but it did. This reinforces my value as a person more because I was worth the time it took to find the video.

I had mentioned in a previous post about how there is a very big disconnect between my parents and I. While this is true, they do get stuff right sometimes and they have learned quite a bit over the past few years about dealing with this. My dad is still learning, but he also showed an example of a "DO" when I called this evening


When I called home, my dad took the phone from my mom in a very joking way. My family is a big circus, so it's always a fun time filled with play fighting and insults - so this was pretty normal. He said that he knew how to make me feel better, and then stated "Big Mac." and gave the phone back to my mom. Normally to a lot of people this would be horrible, but I also have a pretty strange dad (and I say that in a loving way). In my family we deal with things through humor so it isn't unusual to hear anorexia jokes occasionally (in a tasteful way).


This was my dads way of basically trying to make me feel better without directly talking about it. My dad doesn't understand my eating disorder (no one in the house does, but he's probably one of the hardest to get through to) so in the past, and even now sometimes, there has been a lot of tension and misunderstanding between us. This would lead to him saying something incredibly insensitive, making the situation worse. Over the years we're not as close because of it, but he seems to be trying different routes which I greatly appreciate. This was one of them and it was good for a few reasons;

• First, in the past he would end up rolling his eyes or something to that effect because he was so frustrated that he couldn't just make me stop feeling this way (my mom is not innocent of this either, it just didn't happen this time). He was probably also frustrated that he also had no idea how I felt in the first place, let alone not being able to fix it. Anyway, this would make it worse because it reinforces many of the negative thoughts that I am thinking. I would rather someone walk away from me than make it known that they are frustrated with me by sighing or rolling their eyes at me. It would sting, but not as much as hearing someone's sigh because that just gives ED more amo to work with.
  My dad restrained from reacting how he normally would because it would make me more upset. By keeping the "conversation" short, sweet, light and fluffy this tells me that he can't deal with my crazy emotions but he still cares, so he's handing it over to more capable hands.
• By not bringing up how frustrated he is, this saves me from feeling more anxiety than I already have, along with the guilt of making my parents upset. He has every right to be concerned and even frustrated, just not to tell me that (ESPECIALLY now) which had been a huge issue before. By trying different routes and learning from past mistakes this shows me that he cares enough to try something different so that he can still be there for me, just not in the same ways as he had probably envisioned
• *DISCLAIMER*  Just because my dads approach worked for me, does not mean it would work for your loved one. My dad and I have the kind of relationship and humor to be able to do this. We deal with things in similar ways, so this approach was great for my dad and I. It may also work for your loved one, however be absolutely certain that it wouldn't cause more damage than good. Obviously you know your loved one better, so if it isn't going to help than don't use it. For my dad an I, it was great

The parents definitely got a point today. This a great example of how to help someone in my position. Keep in mind that you won't fix their problem, so do everyone a favor and don't try to. ED's are annoying little shits that just don't go away. Frustration or miscommunication is only going to make it worse, and possibly create a barrier between you and your loved one which is counterproductive. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to have someone you love at the mercy of a potentially life threatening disorder, but like it or not, it isn't going away easily. The best thing you can do for them is be there. Reassure them and encourage them. Make sure they know that you care about them and remind them of their value and worth. They are very easy things to forget for the average person, however for someone struggling with an ED believing these things in the first place doesn't happen, let alone being able to remember it.


I promise you we aren't doing this to be difficult or to piss you off. We don't want this. We didn't ask for this. We want to get better just as much as you want us to get better, so lets work  together. It will be hard, but everyone needs someone so lets all be there for each other. In whatever form that takes

I need help

I need help.

I am going to my friends house tonight and we’ve been planning it for a while now. I wanted to drop out, but It’s a murder mystery so everyone has to be there and I’ve never done one of these. I am positive I would be more excited if ED weren’t going to be accompanying me. I actually am 100% positive I would be because I was ecstatic when he first told me about it.

We are meeting for dinner and then heading back to his place to start the mystery. This is making me PANIC. Dinner? Right now? When I’m struggling (and by struggling I mean fucking not even doing it) to eat breakfast or lunch? Oh shit…

As I was thinking about this I found myself immediately doing a mental scan of mealhall and thinking of where the soup and veggies were. This then led to me inevitably figuring out how many calories this would entail ingesting. I started thinking of where and when I could purge without anyone noticing. I started wondering how awful I was going to look in the costume of a Hollywood diva (my character for the murder mystery); how could I still fit the part, but hide all of the less than attractive features of myself that need to be hidden.

Que ED “It’s just like old times!” “this is so exciting! I’ve missed this!” “See, you are nothing without me. You need me.” “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe”.

These thought processes are far too familiar. It is becoming very clear that I have taken more than a few steps back in my recovery. This is more than just a hiccup that I can work through. I need help. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I am going to need to see my counsellor again.

I don’t miss the “good ol’ days”. I don’t want ED back. I want to have fun with my friends and enjoy mealhall pizza (a cuisine of the gods that I miss a lot since moving off campus. Nothing is the same). I am already getting back the perpetual cold feeling accompanied with dizziness and head rushes. I can’t process things as clearly and I am walking around with a headache in a daze all the time. Taking a shower this morning damn near knocked the fucking wind right out of me and I had to sit down for a few minutes. I hate this. I don’t want this to be my world anymore, but I can’t seem to get out of it this time.

Words cannot describe how badly I need and want help. Hopefully I can get an appointment sooner than later

HISHDG IUHI;SANLB;KFCNJFHDK

Uummmm, so fuck.


Things are going downhill fast. I am miserable. Like I could slap someone right now simply for having the nerve to exist and be totally fine with it. Everyone and everything bothers me. Everyone and everything stresses me out and overwhelms me. I feel like shutting down. Just throwing in the towel and saying "fuck it" and staying in bed for forever. I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone or accomplish anything.


This sucks. It fuckin sucks


On Thursday I tried to take a stand against ED. I was so hungry and tired because I hadn't eaten much in a couple of days and was up late doing homework. I went to the SUB to get some caffeine in the form of diet pepsi and while I was there I saw some pizza that made me practically drool. I thought "you know what? Fuck ED, I'm hungry and need food... and pizza is like the cheapest thing here.."


Walking up to the cash register was horrible. I was shaking and almost sweating. It was like walking the green mile. I could hear ED protesting the whole damn time. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?!?!?!?!?" "STOP!!!!!". When I got back to the music building ED had subsided enough to be able to hear my own thoughts. I ate the pizza and drank the pop and then all hell broke loose. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO?!?!?!" "HAVE FUN WEARING THAT ON YOUR ASS!!!" " YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT, OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD'VE EATEN - PIZZA??????!!!?!?!!?!?!?!".


ED hasn't been this invasive in so long. He still gets loud, but not like this anymore.... till now at least. It's hard to hear my own thoughts right now. I am struggling big time. I've been living off diet pop and crispy minis for the last while. I find when I want to have something like fruit or veggies because they're low in fat all I hear is "You don't deserve nutrients, you little fuck up". So I opt for something with no fat and little other nutritional content - hence the crispy minis.


The worst part is that in the back of my head I know that I need nutrients but every time I think about ED shoots it down immediately. I feel so lethargic and my head hurts all the time now. It's like a hangover that lasts forever only every time I think about fixing it I hear ED. Right now I prefer the "hangover" to ED. I just can't do it right now.

Not Doin So Good

I just got back from a sweat-tastic workout at the gum with my good friend. I had been holding off on exercising as I was beginning to think of it the wrong way. I was thinking of it as a way to lose weight rather than a fun activity which is what it's supposed to be.


Lately I thought that I would give it a try again with my friend and see how it went. I had no issues. I went and had a good time hanging out with my friend and getting exercise. It was not to lose weight, simply to be healthy and have fun.


The odd part was when I came home and sat down in my room. It was like a title wave out of nowhere that caught me completely off guard. I have absolutely no desire to eat anything. In fact, the thought of it is giving me anxiety right now. I don't want anything, not even the smallest snack.


Along with this food anxiety I am just feeling blah. I don't seem to have the will or energy to study for a midterm on Friday, or do any other homework. I have a HUGE suitcase full of laundry that I brought back from the Laundromat that needs to be put away. Normally I would like it. I listen to music (in case you haven't figured out, music is a big deal for me..) and put away my laundry. It's calming; soothing and normally I quite enjoy it actually. I have no desire to do it at all. None.


I want to curl up in a ball and cry and I'm not entirely sure where it came from. It caught me completely off guard and I don't know what to do with this....

McDicks

So as I have mentioned in previous posts, recovery seems to be picking up pace significantly. This past weekend I went to a show in Halifax to see some local bands play with my friends Ryan, Paige, and Don. It was a great performance, and the bands did really well - they sounded great!

Don before the show :P

Right before we left I had a muffin for supper because I didn't have time to make something with nutritional value. This in itself was exciting as I am still getting used to muffins. We went to the concert and while we were there I got a text from an idiot boy that made me feel pretty crumby. I won't go into details about that or anything, but a REALLY  long story cut really short - basically there was something there and then he texted me and said that he was seeing someone else instead. Out of nowhere. Like WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?!?!?!


Anyway, I was completely dumbfounded and didn't know how to feel. Do I feel stupid for getting excited and thinking something was going to happen with this guy? What made him choose someone else? Why was he just telling me this now?


For the rest of the concert I was feeling kind of down (for obvious reasons). Then I looked over at my friends and decided that I wanted to just have fun for the rest of the night; I wasn't going to let some stupid boy ruin my night with my wonderful friends. It was hard, but I tried my best to just have fun the rest of the night.


We all decided that we were really hungry and weren't going to make the hour car ride home on an empty stomach especially since some of them were moshing/head banging which takes up a lot of energy. I had also only had a muffin for supper and by the end of the show was uncomfortably hungry. We went to a McDonalds because it was easy and who doesn't love a big mac??


I go to school in a small town with no McDonalds so I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to challenge myself while it was there. I am not quite ready for big macs yet, and hadn't had McDonalds in probably almost three years. So I wanted to start slow. I couldn't deny that I really missed the fries there so I got some of those and some chicken nuggets (mmmm fake meat). This is when ED went to overdrive.


"It's 11:00pm, you just had a muffin for supper and you're adding this to it!??!" "There's no fucking way you can burn off all that fat and grease before you go to bed!!" "Have fun walking around with that on your ass, cow!!" ED's great. No really, it's like having some kind of growth that throbs all the time and can't be cured no matter how much disinfecting cream you pour onto it...


Anyway, I kind of figured that ED's voice would be loud after the earlier events. This was an exciting night though - I HAD MCDONALDS FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME IN THREE YEARS PEOPLE!!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!!! :D  I knew that I wouldn't regret it forever and when ED subsided I would be able to see it for what it is - an accomplishment. I trusted my gut, logic and reasoning to fuel my hungry stomach for the treck back home.


The rest of the night and the next day were pretty rough though. I got to hear "You're boring, that's why he picked someone else." "It's not like it would've been a hard choice between you and ANYONE else you know. Let's be real here." Your friends left the concert early because you were moping about someone you didn't even have a chance with in the first place. You were bringing everybody down so they wanted to leave." .... you get the picture..


So I tackled these thoughts with some of the tools I learned in therapy and was able to at least dull ED. So far so good. Until this week when I didn't have time to go to the gym because of school work and was FURIOUS. This is a red flag - this is ED fighting back in a different way. When this happens I don't let myself go to the gym as it tends to be for the wrong reasons. I am right now refusing to go to the gym until I can see it for what it is supposed to be - a fun, HEALTHY stress reliever. Nothing more, it has NOTHING to do with losing weight. If I were to go now, I would be reinforcing that it is to lose weight which would make it WAY easier to fall back into eating disordered habits again. Therefore when I can think about exercise in a healthy way again I will go to the gym, and not a minute before.


It's hard though. I want so badly to "reverse" the "damage" I feel like I've done. God damn this sucks. It will take some hard work but it's gotta be done :/


Till next time

Chocolate Cake

I have conquered the seemingly  impossible mountain that has been known as chocolate cake. This is a huge deal. Like HUGE.


I remember when I was very sick and it was the first summer home with my eating disorder; I had a nightmare that I was sitting beside a HUGE mountain of chocolate - chocolate cake, bars, pastries, etc. and I ate it ALL. At this time my body was in starvation mode. I was literally starving to death and when this happens your body has some strange ways of trying to protect itself. Not only does it take from fat deposits, muscle tissue, and bone marrow to survive but your menstrual cycle stops and you start  noticing some very strange things that you think of as being just "weird" at the time. Heart palpitations, head rushes, passing out, shortage of breath, inability to stay asleep at night or awake during the day are some of the things that you would dismiss as being weird, but are actually very serious health concerns. On top of all of these things, your mind starts to play tricks on you. You become obsessed with food. I dreamed about food. I would read menus and grocery flyers to look at the food that I had no intention of eating, but couldn't get myself to stop. When I dreamed about the chocolate, needless to say I got up and weighed myself immediately and barely ate anything the next day.


I was beginning to warm up to chocolate. I would drink chocolate milk or hot chocolate and would occasionally have chocolate chip somethings. I had never made the jump to chocolate cake - it was one of my biggest fear foods. I didn't like being in the same room as chocolate because even the sight or smell made me anxious.

Last weekend was my roomies birthday and we all gathered at her apartment to celebrate. I call her roomie because she was my roomie in first year, but she's the best roomie I've ever had by far. She will always be my roomie even now when we don't live together anymore.

Me and the birthday girl

Anyhoo, it was Nicole's (roomie's) birthday and we gathered to celebrate. Our friends had bought her a chocolate cake and offered me a piece. Earlier that day I had been thinking about how I would handle it (as I always do when I know situations like this are coming in the near future) and decided that I would politely say no and continue to visit with my friends like normal like usual. When I got there however, I had a breakthrough.


I used the same mindset that I usually do, I just had to concentrate a bit harder. I am here to celebrate my friends birthday and have fun with my friends. What I eat is simply fuel, no more no less. This fuel is delicious and I wanted some, so I had a piece of cake! I figured, I've been on a roll the last little while eating pizza, muffins cookies etc., why stop there? Why slow down and lose steam? And so I ate the first piece of chocolate cake in over three years and it was delicious! My friends AJ, Ashley and Nicole were all ecstatic and had our own little party within a party. It was a triumphant day to say the least!!

AJ, Nicole, Ashley and I

                                                 

I am so excited and scared at the same time. I can't wait to keep moving forward but it is also scary as hell. I've come this far though, I can definitely keep going!!

update

This week I have started going to the gym. This has triggered some mixed feelings. I love exercising. I love listening to music and forgetting the world exists. I love turning all of my stress into physical energy and exerting it. More importantly though, I do it to be healthy.


I have been feeling kind of crumby about my body lately. It certainly hasn't been as bad as in the past, but with the various milestones in recovery that I have achieved, ED was bound to get pissed off sometime. I find that it is in different ways though; allow me to attempt to explain (as best I can...I'm not entirely sure that I fully understand it myself to be honest, but I will give it a go..).


I have recently been noticing things about my body (more than usual) that I do not like, to say the very least. When I sit down I hear "Wow, thunder thighs!!!" or when I put on pants that used to be tighter than they are I hear "You know what that means!!" as loud and obnoxiously as ED can be. The thing is though, I have been coming to realise that what I look like doesn't really matter that much anymore. I am no model, and I'm ok with that because I know that I am healthy. My body is my body, and weather I like it or not this is what is healthy for me. This size right now is healthy and happy and will allow me to do things with my life that I never could've dreamed of when I was restricting/purging. Even when I am angry with myself (which still happens quite often) I know that starving is not the answer, nor is abusing my body by over exercising. Yes I have bad days, although I haven't really had one in a while... once the term picks up that might change though.


When I do start hearing ED I think about how healthy I am and all of the things that are waiting in the future for me. I am able to then go about my day. That's where the trouble comes in, and where it gets hard to explain, but here goes nothing.


When I think through these thoughts rationally, I begin to wonder if that is me thinking rationally or me making excuses for all of the pigging out I have been doing lately. Is that then me wondering these things, or is that ED? Have I been eating too much junk food in the name of recovery or just as an excuse to have foods that I would otherwise feel bad about? Realistically speaking, I would sometimes feel bad, but was that my own voice of reason because I was having way too much junk or because that was ED?


It is all very confusing...




Anyhoo, with these in mind I have been trying not to let it effect my exercising. I do it for enjoyment and as a de-stressor. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons, however I am walking a very fine line right now. I think I am going to need to take some time for reflection...


I suppose that's all for now. It's been a weird week...

Do's and Don'ts

Well I'm back after a complete shit show of a Christmas break. I am so glad to be out of that house and back in my apartment. I am trying to enjoy the last night I have to myself here before my new housemate arrives tomorrow.


Anyway, now that I am back I have had some time to clean my apartment and to reflect on my break and the events that ensued. The weirdest thing is that food was the least of my worries. I was on a roll. I was eating foods that I never dreamed I would be eating - chocolate, cookies, chips, NORMAL pop (not diet), cinnamon rolls, and so much more. The focus was on being with my friends and the members of my family that I like. Food was just fuel, and weather it was junk food or veggies, it was all just to keep me going.


The hard part was dealing with the fam jam. This for some people might not be as daunting of a task, but for others like me it can be stressful. I have decided (thanks to one too many less-than-pleasant- visits home) to make a list throughout this blog about the do's and don'ts of dealing with a loved one struggling with an eating disorder; or depression or anxiety for that matter, as they generally go hand in hand. I'm thinking about starting a post normally, and then ending with what would be a better way of dealing with the situation, should you be in one involving a loved one who is struggling with mental health issues. This could be helpful in a number of ways (at least, that's the hope) including the obvious; knowing what to do and what not to do, but also how it can make someone feel when you decide not to take the advice. It generally causes more damage than you might think; believe me, living with my family I have heard my share of insensitive and careless remarks that have really hurt, which is what sparked this idea.


Don't get me wrong, there are certainly families that handle things like this in much worse ways, however, there are also families that handle it a lot better. While I will be including things that they have done wrong, I will also include things that they  have done that have helped because they are not monsters - they just have a really hard time understanding what I'm going through. To be honest I don't completely blame them. I guess what I hope to accomplish is to help prevent mental health issues from distancing families as it has done to mine. I don't trust my family with my feelings/thoughts etc. and I wish I could; but I don't. To be honest, it isn't a very nice feeling to have. Especially with recent events that have taken place.

one example of a DON'T would be when I got in an argument with my sister the night before I left to come back to my apartment at school. This argument started because I didn't like the way that she treated my other sister. To be honest, it was mean. Anyway, We got into an argument where she stated that I "have a preference for people like you". This is not an ok thing to say to "someone like me". Allow me to explain why;

• I don't have a preference for anyone. You are either an asshole or you aren't. Simple as that. Being empathetic to someone struggling with something you could never begin to understand does not mean that I have a preference for "people like me", it means that I care enough to try and help that person rather than looking down my nose at them or chalking it up to them just "being a drama queen"
• Thank you for the label. I really appreciate it. I also appreciate how very clear you have made your stance on mental illness, and what you think of me because of it. It makes it a lot easier to know just how much of my feelings and thoughts to trust you with.

At one point, my sister decided to make some remarks about how people need to change the way that they talk around me and that mom had to change all of the groceries that she got because I would get upset if a carrot was around me. This is also not ok for a number of reasons;

• If you went to visit someone you knew who has Parkinson's disease, you wouldn't point and say "look at the cripple!" at the sight of a paraplegic in a wheelchair across the street. That would be insensitive and rude. Similarly, you wouldn't point at an overweight person and laugh in front of your anorexic friend/family member. To be honest, if you're a decent human being, you wouldn't do either at all regardless of who is around, but that is beside the point. It's just good manners.
• Not only that, but when I started recovery, everything I read and talked about with counselors stated that it is important not to focus on imperfections on anyone or myself. When you focus on imperfections, or flaws, on other people you get back in the habit of focusing on your own. Not to mention that a distorted mind would rationalise (as I did frequently) that if there is something wrong with all of these people, then there has to be something wrong with me as well. Then you pick out one thing and then it inevitably leads to a whole slew of things that other people may notice...
• Going with the above example, if a paraplegic has expressed their disliking for a particular word, say... cripple, it is just good manners to not use that word around that person for obvious reasons. On the same note, if someone with an eating disorder doesn't like the word, say... ugly, it is also good manners not to use that word in front of that person. When I was in high school, I got called that horrible word a lot. The people that called me it all the time were factors in how my eating disorder started in the first place. Every time I hear that word I either get taken back to the "good ol' days" or I feel bad because I remember how bad it felt to hear that word. So you can imagine my disliking for the word.
• Yes, mom changed the groceries for a bit. It was hard to even be in the same room as a lot of foods. It was uncomfortable for me. It would be for you too if you were starving and miserable and heard ED's voice every time you so much as looked at a fucking plate of food for too long but couldn't resist because you were so god damn obsessed with food. It wasn't the food itself that I was afraid of, it was the shit storm that was going on inside my head that you could, once again, NEVER begin to understand what it is like listening to every minute of every fucking day. So don't go there. Just don't.

There are many more, but I will save them for another day.

Meeting New People

Why is it so hard to meet new people? Why do I hate it so much? I love going out and having fun with people - or at least, the idea of it. When it comes time to do it, I find myself making excuses to go out because I'm too damn nervous or just feel so asocial that I just don't go out. I want to have fun and go out but I get too scared.


When I meet new people, it's like every insecurity that I have becomes inflated and seems that much worse/noticeable. I'm always afraid of making a fool out of myself or looking stupid in some way. Does my hair look awful? Are my thighs too noticeable? Are my yellow teeth too obvious?

ED loves it. "Of course it does, of course they do, and of course they are!! You're pretty much damned no matter what you do...you are really ugly" "They are laughing at you inside, they're just too polite to say anything out loud" "You are just in the way right now. No one wants to include you, that's why it got quiet"


How do extroverts do it? How do people make friends so easily while other people like me find it so difficult? I don't think I will ever understand