This week I have started going to the gym. This has triggered some mixed feelings. I love exercising. I love listening to music and forgetting the world exists. I love turning all of my stress into physical energy and exerting it. More importantly though, I do it to be healthy.
I have been feeling kind of crumby about my body lately. It certainly hasn't been as bad as in the past, but with the various milestones in recovery that I have achieved, ED was bound to get pissed off sometime. I find that it is in different ways though; allow me to attempt to explain (as best I can...I'm not entirely sure that I fully understand it myself to be honest, but I will give it a go..).
I have recently been noticing things about my body (more than usual) that I do not like, to say the very least. When I sit down I hear "Wow, thunder thighs!!!" or when I put on pants that used to be tighter than they are I hear "You know what that means!!" as loud and obnoxiously as ED can be. The thing is though, I have been coming to realise that what I look like doesn't really matter that much anymore. I am no model, and I'm ok with that because I know that I am healthy. My body is my body, and weather I like it or not this is what is healthy for me. This size right now is healthy and happy and will allow me to do things with my life that I never could've dreamed of when I was restricting/purging. Even when I am angry with myself (which still happens quite often) I know that starving is not the answer, nor is abusing my body by over exercising. Yes I have bad days, although I haven't really had one in a while... once the term picks up that might change though.
When I do start hearing ED I think about how healthy I am and all of the things that are waiting in the future for me. I am able to then go about my day. That's where the trouble comes in, and where it gets hard to explain, but here goes nothing.
When I think through these thoughts rationally, I begin to wonder if that is me thinking rationally or me making excuses for all of the pigging out I have been doing lately. Is that then me wondering these things, or is that ED? Have I been eating too much junk food in the name of recovery or just as an excuse to have foods that I would otherwise feel bad about? Realistically speaking, I would sometimes feel bad, but was that my own voice of reason because I was having way too much junk or because that was ED?
It is all very confusing...
Anyhoo, with these in mind I have been trying not to let it effect my exercising. I do it for enjoyment and as a de-stressor. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons, however I am walking a very fine line right now. I think I am going to need to take some time for reflection...
I suppose that's all for now. It's been a weird week...
Friday, 23 January 2015
Thursday, 8 January 2015
Do's and Don'ts
Well I'm back after a complete shit show of a Christmas break. I am so glad to be out of that house and back in my apartment. I am trying to enjoy the last night I have to myself here before my new housemate arrives tomorrow.
Anyway, now that I am back I have had some time to clean my apartment and to reflect on my break and the events that ensued. The weirdest thing is that food was the least of my worries. I was on a roll. I was eating foods that I never dreamed I would be eating - chocolate, cookies, chips, NORMAL pop (not diet), cinnamon rolls, and so much more. The focus was on being with my friends and the members of my family that I like. Food was just fuel, and weather it was junk food or veggies, it was all just to keep me going.
The hard part was dealing with the fam jam. This for some people might not be as daunting of a task, but for others like me it can be stressful. I have decided (thanks to one too many less-than-pleasant- visits home) to make a list throughout this blog about the do's and don'ts of dealing with a loved one struggling with an eating disorder; or depression or anxiety for that matter, as they generally go hand in hand. I'm thinking about starting a post normally, and then ending with what would be a better way of dealing with the situation, should you be in one involving a loved one who is struggling with mental health issues. This could be helpful in a number of ways (at least, that's the hope) including the obvious; knowing what to do and what not to do, but also how it can make someone feel when you decide not to take the advice. It generally causes more damage than you might think; believe me, living with my family I have heard my share of insensitive and careless remarks that have really hurt, which is what sparked this idea.
Don't get me wrong, there are certainly families that handle things like this in much worse ways, however, there are also families that handle it a lot better. While I will be including things that they have done wrong, I will also include things that they have done that have helped because they are not monsters - they just have a really hard time understanding what I'm going through. To be honest I don't completely blame them. I guess what I hope to accomplish is to help prevent mental health issues from distancing families as it has done to mine. I don't trust my family with my feelings/thoughts etc. and I wish I could; but I don't. To be honest, it isn't a very nice feeling to have. Especially with recent events that have taken place.
one example of a DON'T would be when I got in an argument with my sister the night before I left to come back to my apartment at school. This argument started because I didn't like the way that she treated my other sister. To be honest, it was mean. Anyway, We got into an argument where she stated that I "have a preference for people like you". This is not an ok thing to say to "someone like me". Allow me to explain why;
Anyway, now that I am back I have had some time to clean my apartment and to reflect on my break and the events that ensued. The weirdest thing is that food was the least of my worries. I was on a roll. I was eating foods that I never dreamed I would be eating - chocolate, cookies, chips, NORMAL pop (not diet), cinnamon rolls, and so much more. The focus was on being with my friends and the members of my family that I like. Food was just fuel, and weather it was junk food or veggies, it was all just to keep me going.
The hard part was dealing with the fam jam. This for some people might not be as daunting of a task, but for others like me it can be stressful. I have decided (thanks to one too many less-than-pleasant- visits home) to make a list throughout this blog about the do's and don'ts of dealing with a loved one struggling with an eating disorder; or depression or anxiety for that matter, as they generally go hand in hand. I'm thinking about starting a post normally, and then ending with what would be a better way of dealing with the situation, should you be in one involving a loved one who is struggling with mental health issues. This could be helpful in a number of ways (at least, that's the hope) including the obvious; knowing what to do and what not to do, but also how it can make someone feel when you decide not to take the advice. It generally causes more damage than you might think; believe me, living with my family I have heard my share of insensitive and careless remarks that have really hurt, which is what sparked this idea.
Don't get me wrong, there are certainly families that handle things like this in much worse ways, however, there are also families that handle it a lot better. While I will be including things that they have done wrong, I will also include things that they have done that have helped because they are not monsters - they just have a really hard time understanding what I'm going through. To be honest I don't completely blame them. I guess what I hope to accomplish is to help prevent mental health issues from distancing families as it has done to mine. I don't trust my family with my feelings/thoughts etc. and I wish I could; but I don't. To be honest, it isn't a very nice feeling to have. Especially with recent events that have taken place.
one example of a DON'T would be when I got in an argument with my sister the night before I left to come back to my apartment at school. This argument started because I didn't like the way that she treated my other sister. To be honest, it was mean. Anyway, We got into an argument where she stated that I "have a preference for people like you". This is not an ok thing to say to "someone like me". Allow me to explain why;
- I don't have a preference for anyone. You are either an asshole or you aren't. Simple as that. Being empathetic to someone struggling with something you could never begin to understand does not mean that I have a preference for "people like me", it means that I care enough to try and help that person rather than looking down my nose at them or chalking it up to them just "being a drama queen"
- Thank you for the label. I really appreciate it. I also appreciate how very clear you have made your stance on mental illness, and what you think of me because of it. It makes it a lot easier to know just how much of my feelings and thoughts to trust you with.
- If you went to visit someone you knew who has Parkinson's disease, you wouldn't point and say "look at the cripple!" at the sight of a paraplegic in a wheelchair across the street. That would be insensitive and rude. Similarly, you wouldn't point at an overweight person and laugh in front of your anorexic friend/family member. To be honest, if you're a decent human being, you wouldn't do either at all regardless of who is around, but that is beside the point. It's just good manners.
- Not only that, but when I started recovery, everything I read and talked about with counselors stated that it is important not to focus on imperfections on anyone or myself. When you focus on imperfections, or flaws, on other people you get back in the habit of focusing on your own. Not to mention that a distorted mind would rationalise (as I did frequently) that if there is something wrong with all of these people, then there has to be something wrong with me as well. Then you pick out one thing and then it inevitably leads to a whole slew of things that other people may notice...
- Going with the above example, if a paraplegic has expressed their disliking for a particular word, say... cripple, it is just good manners to not use that word around that person for obvious reasons. On the same note, if someone with an eating disorder doesn't like the word, say... ugly, it is also good manners not to use that word in front of that person. When I was in high school, I got called that horrible word a lot. The people that called me it all the time were factors in how my eating disorder started in the first place. Every time I hear that word I either get taken back to the "good ol' days" or I feel bad because I remember how bad it felt to hear that word. So you can imagine my disliking for the word.
- Yes, mom changed the groceries for a bit. It was hard to even be in the same room as a lot of foods. It was uncomfortable for me. It would be for you too if you were starving and miserable and heard ED's voice every time you so much as looked at a fucking plate of food for too long but couldn't resist because you were so god damn obsessed with food. It wasn't the food itself that I was afraid of, it was the shit storm that was going on inside my head that you could, once again, NEVER begin to understand what it is like listening to every minute of every fucking day. So don't go there. Just don't.
Meeting New People
Why is it so hard to meet new people? Why do I hate it so much? I love going out and having fun with people - or at least, the idea of it. When it comes time to do it, I find myself making excuses to go out because I'm too damn nervous or just feel so asocial that I just don't go out. I want to have fun and go out but I get too scared.
When I meet new people, it's like every insecurity that I have becomes inflated and seems that much worse/noticeable. I'm always afraid of making a fool out of myself or looking stupid in some way. Does my hair look awful? Are my thighs too noticeable? Are my yellow teeth too obvious?
ED loves it. "Of course it does, of course they do, and of course they are!! You're pretty much damned no matter what you do...you are really ugly" "They are laughing at you inside, they're just too polite to say anything out loud" "You are just in the way right now. No one wants to include you, that's why it got quiet"
How do extroverts do it? How do people make friends so easily while other people like me find it so difficult? I don't think I will ever understand
When I meet new people, it's like every insecurity that I have becomes inflated and seems that much worse/noticeable. I'm always afraid of making a fool out of myself or looking stupid in some way. Does my hair look awful? Are my thighs too noticeable? Are my yellow teeth too obvious?
ED loves it. "Of course it does, of course they do, and of course they are!! You're pretty much damned no matter what you do...you are really ugly" "They are laughing at you inside, they're just too polite to say anything out loud" "You are just in the way right now. No one wants to include you, that's why it got quiet"
How do extroverts do it? How do people make friends so easily while other people like me find it so difficult? I don't think I will ever understand
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