The other day I was on my way back home from running some errands and thought I would stop in Tim Hortons and pick up a tea and coffee for my parents. While I was standing in line to order I took a look at the different pastries they had. They are getting so creative with the different kinds of snacks, from birthday cake timbits to oreo donuts. And that's when it hit me...
Tim Hortons, like all other businesses, need to keep moving forward to keep up with the general population. They are constantly trying and creating new things and more importantly they keep moving forward. Just like the rest of the world, they aren't waiting for anyone or anything. As long as the world keeps turning and time keeps ticking, forward is the only place to go - and the world, just like time, isn't waiting for anyone.
Tim Hortons isn't going to wait for me to be comfortable with donuts to make really tasty ones, nor are they going to keep them around any longer than they plan to, regardless of where I am in recovery. Sometimes I just cling onto ED with all my might only to realise that there is a whole wide world out there that is moving and living and inviting me - inviting you - to join it. Try a Tim Hortons donut. The world isn't going to stop spinning, nor will the clocks stop; it is just a simple treat. Even if you don't want to it's ok! The world is still turning and will still be here tomorrow so you can try again and face your fear then.
The amount of anxiety that surrounds ED is insane. Sometimes I would feel like the world was going to stop turning and the clocks would stop ticking if I ate one too many baby carrots. I felt like everyone had judged me or something. Being in that Tim Hortons made me realise that the world doesn't evolve around ED like ours does. It feels like a foreign concept, but the world has it's own agenda, and ED has nothing to do with that. Let the world turn. Let time tick by. Enjoy yourself and be a part of that world. Because you never know the kinds of opportunities you could miss out on by wasting time with ED
Monday, 28 July 2014
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Big Steps
Do you ever wonder how much you could possibly do without your ED? I did all the time; I never thought I was anything with or without it. I'm nothing special, I'm not winning the Nobel Prize or anything. I screw up even the simplest tasks - the only thing I was good at was losing weight and hating everyone. I had never accomplished anything great before ED, so why was everyone telling me life would be better without him? Was recovery supposed to be some sort of cosmic phenomenon that would happen where suddenly I was supposed to be somebody when I started eating?
I took on pizza for the first time in three years this past Monday. I made the dough and everything with my mom and sister. My goal is to be able to order a pizza with my family the night my other sister comes back from her internship in Japan in August. She misses North American food, so before she goes back to school in September we want to treat her as much as we can - pizza is one of those things. I want to enjoy it with my family and my sister who I have come to miss so very much. I don't want to make something else for myself, I want to eat what they are eating and just enjoy my family's company without worrying about how much fat or calories are in it or how may grain servings I had earlier that day. So I am taking baby steps, beginning with making the pizza with my family.
I wanted to have total control of what was going on/in the pizza. If I know exactly what it is made of and how it is made, it takes some if the mystery out and makes me feel more in control. We put a minimal amount of cheese on, so next time I want to try putting more on; I mean, what's a pizza without a TON of cheese, right?
So this was a particularly difficult mountain to climb for me. This came with a lot of anxiety and a lot of emotions. During the preparation process I couldn't help but hear ED say "You can't do it! I know you can't!" "Just call it off now, tell mom you're going to just makes eggs" "You have already had enough fatty foods today, I sincerely doubt you need more".
I was able to combat this with some of the things I had learned in my nutrition class. I just kept saying to myself "There is no such thing as good foods or bad foods. Everything is good in moderation. Food is just energy, fuel, a means to survive - it can't hurt you if you moderate. Different foods are just a different way of getting energy and I need all the energy and focus I can get for my driving test tomorrow."
When the pizza was done coking it was time to cut it and eat it. Sitting at the table I thought I was going to be sick. I felt so anxious that my stomach was doing flips and turns. My mind kept racing and I kept thinking "Oh my god, how many grain servings have I had today, what about dairy servings??" "How many slices count as one grain serving? Or a dairy serving?" Each bite was hard, but it got easier as I ate my piece of pizza.
When I was done I kept thinking "OH MY GOD GET IT OUT OF ME!!!!!" Ed chimed in of course; "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!!" "Get to the bathroom quick and purge that shit out of your body!!!!!"
I am thankful for my sister who was so supportive and encouraging. She helped me remember that this was a victory, not a mistake or a means of being weak and giving in to my inner fat kid. I needed that energy. I needed the veggies on the pizza. I needed the cheese and the dough. My body needs nourishment, even if it's a bit fattier than some baby carrots. All food is good in moderation.
The next day I had my driving test. I was so nervous that my hands were actually shaking. This time three years ago I wasn't allowed to drive; wasn't even able to. I couldn't stay awake for longer than about 10 minutes. I would fall asleep at the dinner table with food in my mouth because my body was so weak and exhausted. Driving in that condition was a disaster waiting to happen, an inevitable car wreck. It was just a bad idea.
I was in good enough shape to drive on and off in the years after until recently when I have been doing great. I decided since my licence was about to expire and I was finally healthy that now was a good a time as any to get my full licence; and that's what I did. As of 10:30 AM yesterday I am now a fully licenced driver and have been on cloud nine ever since.
It was when I got my licence that I realised that this was what recovery is all about. Not doing something spectacular or being someone magnificent - it's about being me. We are not all Ghandi's in the making, nor are we Hillary Clinton or Jennifer Lawrence. I am Stephanie and that is good enough for me. I want to be the best I can be and do the best that I can, and I can't possibly do that with ED. How could I have gotten my licence if I didn't fuel my body? How could I have even gotten out of bed in the first place?
What I didn't realise was that the person I was going to be when I started to recover was me, and that I was going to accomplish life without ED. ED's been holding me back this whole time and I didn't even realise because I didn't realise that I had a life waiting to be lived right in front of me the whole time. I don't know about finding the cure for cancer, but I know that I can still make accomplishments of my own and they feel wonderful - so much more than how losing a pound could ever make me feel.
It's time to leave ED for good. ED needs to get the fuck out of my life because there is no room for him anymore. I continued with my rebellion tonight when I went to the movies with my sis and ate movie theatre popcorn for the first time in forever. This bitch is on a role, and I don't intend to stop anytime soon!
I took on pizza for the first time in three years this past Monday. I made the dough and everything with my mom and sister. My goal is to be able to order a pizza with my family the night my other sister comes back from her internship in Japan in August. She misses North American food, so before she goes back to school in September we want to treat her as much as we can - pizza is one of those things. I want to enjoy it with my family and my sister who I have come to miss so very much. I don't want to make something else for myself, I want to eat what they are eating and just enjoy my family's company without worrying about how much fat or calories are in it or how may grain servings I had earlier that day. So I am taking baby steps, beginning with making the pizza with my family.
I wanted to have total control of what was going on/in the pizza. If I know exactly what it is made of and how it is made, it takes some if the mystery out and makes me feel more in control. We put a minimal amount of cheese on, so next time I want to try putting more on; I mean, what's a pizza without a TON of cheese, right?
So this was a particularly difficult mountain to climb for me. This came with a lot of anxiety and a lot of emotions. During the preparation process I couldn't help but hear ED say "You can't do it! I know you can't!" "Just call it off now, tell mom you're going to just makes eggs" "You have already had enough fatty foods today, I sincerely doubt you need more".
I was able to combat this with some of the things I had learned in my nutrition class. I just kept saying to myself "There is no such thing as good foods or bad foods. Everything is good in moderation. Food is just energy, fuel, a means to survive - it can't hurt you if you moderate. Different foods are just a different way of getting energy and I need all the energy and focus I can get for my driving test tomorrow."
When the pizza was done coking it was time to cut it and eat it. Sitting at the table I thought I was going to be sick. I felt so anxious that my stomach was doing flips and turns. My mind kept racing and I kept thinking "Oh my god, how many grain servings have I had today, what about dairy servings??" "How many slices count as one grain serving? Or a dairy serving?" Each bite was hard, but it got easier as I ate my piece of pizza.
When I was done I kept thinking "OH MY GOD GET IT OUT OF ME!!!!!" Ed chimed in of course; "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!!" "Get to the bathroom quick and purge that shit out of your body!!!!!"
I am thankful for my sister who was so supportive and encouraging. She helped me remember that this was a victory, not a mistake or a means of being weak and giving in to my inner fat kid. I needed that energy. I needed the veggies on the pizza. I needed the cheese and the dough. My body needs nourishment, even if it's a bit fattier than some baby carrots. All food is good in moderation.
The next day I had my driving test. I was so nervous that my hands were actually shaking. This time three years ago I wasn't allowed to drive; wasn't even able to. I couldn't stay awake for longer than about 10 minutes. I would fall asleep at the dinner table with food in my mouth because my body was so weak and exhausted. Driving in that condition was a disaster waiting to happen, an inevitable car wreck. It was just a bad idea.
I was in good enough shape to drive on and off in the years after until recently when I have been doing great. I decided since my licence was about to expire and I was finally healthy that now was a good a time as any to get my full licence; and that's what I did. As of 10:30 AM yesterday I am now a fully licenced driver and have been on cloud nine ever since.
It was when I got my licence that I realised that this was what recovery is all about. Not doing something spectacular or being someone magnificent - it's about being me. We are not all Ghandi's in the making, nor are we Hillary Clinton or Jennifer Lawrence. I am Stephanie and that is good enough for me. I want to be the best I can be and do the best that I can, and I can't possibly do that with ED. How could I have gotten my licence if I didn't fuel my body? How could I have even gotten out of bed in the first place?
What I didn't realise was that the person I was going to be when I started to recover was me, and that I was going to accomplish life without ED. ED's been holding me back this whole time and I didn't even realise because I didn't realise that I had a life waiting to be lived right in front of me the whole time. I don't know about finding the cure for cancer, but I know that I can still make accomplishments of my own and they feel wonderful - so much more than how losing a pound could ever make me feel.
It's time to leave ED for good. ED needs to get the fuck out of my life because there is no room for him anymore. I continued with my rebellion tonight when I went to the movies with my sis and ate movie theatre popcorn for the first time in forever. This bitch is on a role, and I don't intend to stop anytime soon!
Thursday, 3 July 2014
Busy Busy Busy
As you can probably tell from the title it's been busy. I have been working so much over time at work that when I get home I am too exhausted to do anything. On weekends I have plans with this person and that person, so I am pretty exhausted overall to say the very least - at least for the past few weeks.
Last weekend was a terrifying one. I went to a dear friends house for a party. She is my cousin but we are really close and she's practically a sister - therefore she is a good friend of mine. This was not like previous parties that I go to at school all the time because at those parties (in Nova Scotia) I know everyone there. In this case I was meeting new people. I knew a grand total of two people there - my cousin Katie who was hosting the party and my other cousin Laura she had invited who I am also close with. No one else.
I had been dreading this all day long. I was so terrified that when I was getting ready earlier that day I was crying silently to myself. As the day grew later and I got closer to leaving my hands were actually shaking. On the way over to her house my heart was pounding and my stomach was doing flips and turns; it felt like I was walking the Green Mile. The walk seemed to take forever and I wanted to cry some more, and turn around and go back home and pretend that I never got the silly idea that I would be able to function in this kind of a social situation. It was possible since I knew she would understand.
Let's not forget about ED. That stupid fuck was with me the whole god damn time. When I got changed into my outfit I heard "CELLULITE!!!!!" "Why are you wearing a tank top?? Your man shoulders and gut are going to be soooo visible!" "How many times am I going to have to remind you that you suck at doing makeup before you finally give up!!?!?!" "Your legs look disgusting!!" "Just do Katie a favour and don't go!!". It got pretty hard to hold back the water works shortly before I left for her house.
I had talked to Katie earlier about my concerns and she was so understanding and supportive. She told me that if I was uncomfortable I could leave and she wouldn't be offended. She also told me how nice her friends are and that they would make me feel really welcome and I found out later that she was so right. I knew that she would do whatever she could to make me feel comfortable - and that she did.
When she opened the door she took my hand and introduced me to the people I was so afraid to meet. One by one she introduced me to her friends that were there and they all seemed really nice. I was still nervous - afraid of making myself look like an idiot, of embarrassing my cousin, saying something completely stupid. I had been picking myself apart all day and throughout the night and was afraid that they would find all of the imperfections and flaws that I tried to cover up. I was afraid that I would be the downer and make everything awkward for everyone because I can't hold a conversations to save my life. ED kept screaming at me "Just go home, you're boring everyone and making them feel awkward!" "There's an elephant in the room... literally and figuratively!". I looked around the room at everyone and heard "Everyone here looks so good! What are you doing here again??" "Their makeup is so much better, yours just looks caked on" "Their outfits look good on them... you look like shit!". ED is always a great party guest.....
There I was; the hopelessly awkward kid watching her every move and choosing her words so very carefully so as not to make a fool of myself. My cousins stayed by me and made sure I wasn't too uncomfortable. They were absolutely wonderful, I really couldn't ask for a better support system. They definitely helped me in conversations and reassured me when I needed it. I am so thankful and grateful that they had my back, it really meant the world to me. I love those girls so much.
As the night went on I was beginning to get more comfortable..... until everyone went in the hot tub.
Being around people in bathing suits is a very uncomfortable thing for me. I never tell anyone because how do you honestly say to someone "excuse me, could you put some clothes on? You're making me uncomfortable..."?
Not that there is anything wrong with other peoples bodies - it's simply that I hate mine so much. It continues to baffle my mind that someone could be comfortable enough in their own skin to wear a bathing suit and have a good time without even thinking about it. This has been a completely foreign concept to me for years. It can make me so jealous and envious.
As the night continued on though I realised that these people are all different shapes and sizes and it didn't make them any less beautiful. They have flaws, imperfections and probably a very long list of things they are self conscious about. But I just see very nice and wonderful people who are beautiful just as they are.
No one chased me out, or made fun of me. No one made me feel unwelcome; in fact, I made some awesome friends that night that I got to see again last weekend at another get together. I'm so glad that I went to the parties and so thankful to my cousins for being there for me, I love them so much.
Last weekend was a terrifying one. I went to a dear friends house for a party. She is my cousin but we are really close and she's practically a sister - therefore she is a good friend of mine. This was not like previous parties that I go to at school all the time because at those parties (in Nova Scotia) I know everyone there. In this case I was meeting new people. I knew a grand total of two people there - my cousin Katie who was hosting the party and my other cousin Laura she had invited who I am also close with. No one else.
I had been dreading this all day long. I was so terrified that when I was getting ready earlier that day I was crying silently to myself. As the day grew later and I got closer to leaving my hands were actually shaking. On the way over to her house my heart was pounding and my stomach was doing flips and turns; it felt like I was walking the Green Mile. The walk seemed to take forever and I wanted to cry some more, and turn around and go back home and pretend that I never got the silly idea that I would be able to function in this kind of a social situation. It was possible since I knew she would understand.
Let's not forget about ED. That stupid fuck was with me the whole god damn time. When I got changed into my outfit I heard "CELLULITE!!!!!" "Why are you wearing a tank top?? Your man shoulders and gut are going to be soooo visible!" "How many times am I going to have to remind you that you suck at doing makeup before you finally give up!!?!?!" "Your legs look disgusting!!" "Just do Katie a favour and don't go!!". It got pretty hard to hold back the water works shortly before I left for her house.
I had talked to Katie earlier about my concerns and she was so understanding and supportive. She told me that if I was uncomfortable I could leave and she wouldn't be offended. She also told me how nice her friends are and that they would make me feel really welcome and I found out later that she was so right. I knew that she would do whatever she could to make me feel comfortable - and that she did.
When she opened the door she took my hand and introduced me to the people I was so afraid to meet. One by one she introduced me to her friends that were there and they all seemed really nice. I was still nervous - afraid of making myself look like an idiot, of embarrassing my cousin, saying something completely stupid. I had been picking myself apart all day and throughout the night and was afraid that they would find all of the imperfections and flaws that I tried to cover up. I was afraid that I would be the downer and make everything awkward for everyone because I can't hold a conversations to save my life. ED kept screaming at me "Just go home, you're boring everyone and making them feel awkward!" "There's an elephant in the room... literally and figuratively!". I looked around the room at everyone and heard "Everyone here looks so good! What are you doing here again??" "Their makeup is so much better, yours just looks caked on" "Their outfits look good on them... you look like shit!". ED is always a great party guest.....
There I was; the hopelessly awkward kid watching her every move and choosing her words so very carefully so as not to make a fool of myself. My cousins stayed by me and made sure I wasn't too uncomfortable. They were absolutely wonderful, I really couldn't ask for a better support system. They definitely helped me in conversations and reassured me when I needed it. I am so thankful and grateful that they had my back, it really meant the world to me. I love those girls so much.
As the night went on I was beginning to get more comfortable..... until everyone went in the hot tub.
Being around people in bathing suits is a very uncomfortable thing for me. I never tell anyone because how do you honestly say to someone "excuse me, could you put some clothes on? You're making me uncomfortable..."?
Not that there is anything wrong with other peoples bodies - it's simply that I hate mine so much. It continues to baffle my mind that someone could be comfortable enough in their own skin to wear a bathing suit and have a good time without even thinking about it. This has been a completely foreign concept to me for years. It can make me so jealous and envious.
As the night continued on though I realised that these people are all different shapes and sizes and it didn't make them any less beautiful. They have flaws, imperfections and probably a very long list of things they are self conscious about. But I just see very nice and wonderful people who are beautiful just as they are.
No one chased me out, or made fun of me. No one made me feel unwelcome; in fact, I made some awesome friends that night that I got to see again last weekend at another get together. I'm so glad that I went to the parties and so thankful to my cousins for being there for me, I love them so much.
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