I Have The Greatest Friends

Seriously, it's so true. I can't put in words how much these people mean to me. The last few days I have received an overwhelming amount of support that I will be forever grateful for. It makes me feel so much less lonely; like someone cares.


Yet another example of a "DO" when dealing with a loved one struggling with an ED. Taking a few seconds out of your day to text/e-mail/meet up with this person can mean the absolute world to them. I was being surrounded by a helplessness that inevitably joins ED when he decides to pay a visit. It can be so suffocating and exhausting to think that your life is always going to be shit and there's nothing you can do about it, and no one you can talk to about it. By taking the few seconds out to send a text saying "hey, I'm here for you" you can do so much for your loved one. This challenges the feelings of worthlessness that I feel and gives me amo to fight back at ED with. Now I have solid evidence and tangible facts to prove that I'm not insignificant and that people do care about me. This can make a world of difference for someone in my position - you probably don't realise just how much of a difference it actually makes, but we are so grateful it.


 I went to see my counsellor today. I was really appreciative of how quickly I was able to get an appointment with her, and it was great to see her again (although under different circumstances it would probably have been much better). She was helpful as usual and helped me to think about some things from a different perspective. Together we decided that making a meal plan and doing some therapy exercises would be best right now. I felt so much better after talking to her that I was able to get a sandwich from the SUB after the appointment. It was tough and I definitely felt some anxiety, particularly after eating it but I knew I needed the nutrients. If I'm going to be preaching to clients about how important food is, I can't turn around and be engaging in these disordered behaviours (a point that my counsellor made mention of). It makes so much sense though - I can't exactly be a nutritionist that routinely starves herself.....that's like having a dentist with crappy teeth - it just doesn't work.


Now that I have had some nutrients I'm in that part way between being healthy and feeling like shit. This happens every time I start eating again where I feel lightheaded after I move my head. It isn't like images shift or anything - my head just feels weird. I couldn't tell you why or how hat happens, but it only occurs for a few days if I keep up my food intake and goes away after that.


Now I am in the midst of creating a meal plan for the week. This will be a routine for a while - I need to make sure that I give my body all of the nutrients I had been depriving it of for a while now. I need to get back in the habit of eating well and nourishing my body. I will also be doing a lot more journaling and self caring. I have been a bitch to my body for the last couple of weeks and it's time to stop. If it weren't for my amazing friends and wonderful counsellor I wouldn't have been able to come to this conclusion on my own. I'm glad I came to it sooner than later!


I am so thankful for my support system I can't put it in words. I don't think they will ever truly know how much they mean to me and how much they have helped me. I don't know if anything I could do would ever show them that but I will certainly try because I'm one lucky girl :)

"DO's"

So I have contacted my counsellor and am now waiting for a response. I hope I hear back sooner than later - I want this pricks voice to dull down.


In the meantime I had e-mailed my mom out of frustration over a shitty start to the day. I slept in and by the time I got up I had 10 minutes till I had to leave and I realised that my roommate had just turned on the shower. I had a headache and felt hung over (due to the lack of nutrients) and going to class was the last thing that I wanted to do. This was the cherry on top of a crappy cake. He didn't do it maliciously or anything, so I didn't say anything and I'm not going to bring it up. It was an honest mistake, and I'm not mad at him I think it was just the general shitty feeling made that even worse than it already was. I went to school with awful morning breath and a greasy face but I was past the point of caring.


*Short Detour*


I went to the murder mystery and it was just as uncomfortable as I had feared. I went to mealhall and ate lots of food and each bite I took I couldn't help but feel shameful and embarrassed about the amount of food that I was eating. Then I had borrowed my friends dress that was a very nice dress but not on me. I couldn't help but feel bad about myself and loathe my body in it. After we ate supper it was worse because my stomach was OBVIOUSLY bulging. I was so uncomfortable. One of my friends mentioned how cold she was and was putting on track pants - an opportunity that I jumped on as I followed her lead. Later when we made it to the setting of  the murder mystery it was conveniently too cold to take my coat off which I also was thrilled about.


Anyway, that combined with the events this morning was a recipe for a shitty day


*back to the original story*


My mom had gotten back to me and I saw it later today. In this e-mail she attached a link to a ted talk entitled "the happy secret to better work" with Shawn Achor. I strongly recommend it to anyone who is interested in positive thinking exercises. She also told me in this e-mail how proud of me she is and how far I've come these past few years. She told me that set backs are ok and it's good that I'm getting help. This made me cry and immediately call her to thank her.

This is a wonderful example of a "DO" when dealing with a loved one with an ED for a number of reasons;

• The amount of guilt and frustration that I am feeling is immense. Something like shaming or telling someone that you are disappointed in them will only reaffirm these feelings, making them more intense - ultimately making the situation worse. By stating that set backs are ok this is validating my feelings and struggles, and making me feel safe confiding in her.
• By telling me that my mom is proud of me, she is validating me as a person. I feel completely worthless right now. I have been slacking on my homework/studying/practicing the last while because I have felt like such a bag of shit. This ends up making me feel worse because of the lack of work that has been done, adding fuel to the fire for ED. By my mom telling me that she is proud of me as well as adding that it is only a set back, this reaffirms that I am not worthless, that I am still a good person overall - right now I'm just struggling. It also reassures me that she isn't pissed off (which as mentioned before would only add fuel to the fire)
• Reminding me of how far I've come gives me hope. Times like these I basically don't think about the future. I generally accept defeat, throw in the towel and get used to the "fact" that I'm never going to beat this. By reminding me of how far I've come, it helps me see past that wall. I am better able to see that I've beaten ED before and am capable of doing it again
• By taking the time to find the video and link it in the e-mail, this tells me that she cared enough to take the couple of minutes out of her day to do this for me. It doesn't seem like it would have that much of an impact, but it did. This reinforces my value as a person more because I was worth the time it took to find the video.

I had mentioned in a previous post about how there is a very big disconnect between my parents and I. While this is true, they do get stuff right sometimes and they have learned quite a bit over the past few years about dealing with this. My dad is still learning, but he also showed an example of a "DO" when I called this evening


When I called home, my dad took the phone from my mom in a very joking way. My family is a big circus, so it's always a fun time filled with play fighting and insults - so this was pretty normal. He said that he knew how to make me feel better, and then stated "Big Mac." and gave the phone back to my mom. Normally to a lot of people this would be horrible, but I also have a pretty strange dad (and I say that in a loving way). In my family we deal with things through humor so it isn't unusual to hear anorexia jokes occasionally (in a tasteful way).


This was my dads way of basically trying to make me feel better without directly talking about it. My dad doesn't understand my eating disorder (no one in the house does, but he's probably one of the hardest to get through to) so in the past, and even now sometimes, there has been a lot of tension and misunderstanding between us. This would lead to him saying something incredibly insensitive, making the situation worse. Over the years we're not as close because of it, but he seems to be trying different routes which I greatly appreciate. This was one of them and it was good for a few reasons;

• First, in the past he would end up rolling his eyes or something to that effect because he was so frustrated that he couldn't just make me stop feeling this way (my mom is not innocent of this either, it just didn't happen this time). He was probably also frustrated that he also had no idea how I felt in the first place, let alone not being able to fix it. Anyway, this would make it worse because it reinforces many of the negative thoughts that I am thinking. I would rather someone walk away from me than make it known that they are frustrated with me by sighing or rolling their eyes at me. It would sting, but not as much as hearing someone's sigh because that just gives ED more amo to work with.
  My dad restrained from reacting how he normally would because it would make me more upset. By keeping the "conversation" short, sweet, light and fluffy this tells me that he can't deal with my crazy emotions but he still cares, so he's handing it over to more capable hands.
• By not bringing up how frustrated he is, this saves me from feeling more anxiety than I already have, along with the guilt of making my parents upset. He has every right to be concerned and even frustrated, just not to tell me that (ESPECIALLY now) which had been a huge issue before. By trying different routes and learning from past mistakes this shows me that he cares enough to try something different so that he can still be there for me, just not in the same ways as he had probably envisioned
• *DISCLAIMER*  Just because my dads approach worked for me, does not mean it would work for your loved one. My dad and I have the kind of relationship and humor to be able to do this. We deal with things in similar ways, so this approach was great for my dad and I. It may also work for your loved one, however be absolutely certain that it wouldn't cause more damage than good. Obviously you know your loved one better, so if it isn't going to help than don't use it. For my dad an I, it was great

The parents definitely got a point today. This a great example of how to help someone in my position. Keep in mind that you won't fix their problem, so do everyone a favor and don't try to. ED's are annoying little shits that just don't go away. Frustration or miscommunication is only going to make it worse, and possibly create a barrier between you and your loved one which is counterproductive. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to have someone you love at the mercy of a potentially life threatening disorder, but like it or not, it isn't going away easily. The best thing you can do for them is be there. Reassure them and encourage them. Make sure they know that you care about them and remind them of their value and worth. They are very easy things to forget for the average person, however for someone struggling with an ED believing these things in the first place doesn't happen, let alone being able to remember it.


I promise you we aren't doing this to be difficult or to piss you off. We don't want this. We didn't ask for this. We want to get better just as much as you want us to get better, so lets work  together. It will be hard, but everyone needs someone so lets all be there for each other. In whatever form that takes

I need help

I need help.

I am going to my friends house tonight and we’ve been planning it for a while now. I wanted to drop out, but It’s a murder mystery so everyone has to be there and I’ve never done one of these. I am positive I would be more excited if ED weren’t going to be accompanying me. I actually am 100% positive I would be because I was ecstatic when he first told me about it.

We are meeting for dinner and then heading back to his place to start the mystery. This is making me PANIC. Dinner? Right now? When I’m struggling (and by struggling I mean fucking not even doing it) to eat breakfast or lunch? Oh shit…

As I was thinking about this I found myself immediately doing a mental scan of mealhall and thinking of where the soup and veggies were. This then led to me inevitably figuring out how many calories this would entail ingesting. I started thinking of where and when I could purge without anyone noticing. I started wondering how awful I was going to look in the costume of a Hollywood diva (my character for the murder mystery); how could I still fit the part, but hide all of the less than attractive features of myself that need to be hidden.

Que ED “It’s just like old times!” “this is so exciting! I’ve missed this!” “See, you are nothing without me. You need me.” “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe”.

These thought processes are far too familiar. It is becoming very clear that I have taken more than a few steps back in my recovery. This is more than just a hiccup that I can work through. I need help. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I am going to need to see my counsellor again.

I don’t miss the “good ol’ days”. I don’t want ED back. I want to have fun with my friends and enjoy mealhall pizza (a cuisine of the gods that I miss a lot since moving off campus. Nothing is the same). I am already getting back the perpetual cold feeling accompanied with dizziness and head rushes. I can’t process things as clearly and I am walking around with a headache in a daze all the time. Taking a shower this morning damn near knocked the fucking wind right out of me and I had to sit down for a few minutes. I hate this. I don’t want this to be my world anymore, but I can’t seem to get out of it this time.

Words cannot describe how badly I need and want help. Hopefully I can get an appointment sooner than later