for fucks sake...

GAH!!!!

This is more of a rant post than a reflective/whatever my other ones are. I keep wanting to break free from this. When i go to Ottawa in a few weeks I want to be able to have fun with my boyfriend and eat whatever I want! If we go out, I want pasta and junk food! I want to focus on having fun and enjoying my time with him because I haven't seen him in so long and I miss him so much!!! But every time I get excited to see him I think about all of my discomfort surrounding food and how I'm not going to want to do half the activities that we normally do because it involves food!!

It's like a fucking cyst that wont go away! It's like some sort of deforming growth! A piece of gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe that comes alive and starts swallowing your whole fucking leg! I am sick of this! I am going insane! I feel like my fucking skull is going to split in two!!!! I am trying so desperately to make this stop and get back to my normal life, but I just can't seem to shake this!!! I want my life back. My normal life where I didn't think about this anymore! I'm tired of my whole body shaking, and being too tired to do anything, and not being able to sleep through the night, and not being able to focus on anything!

But typing this made me feel guilty and embarrassed and ashamed!! I mean, why can't I suck it up and just power through it?! I have loads of times before!! What's wrong with me where I want to give up now?! Just a little longer, a little slimmer - then I'll go back to being normal, but I know full well that I won't!!! But I keep thinking this time will be different!

FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so frustrated right now and my mind keeps going in circles and I'm so sick of it!!! What is wrong with me??? Why can't I just take care of myself like a normal person?? Why am I like this? I hate being like this!