Oops. My bad.
It's been a very busy year. Since my last post I have met the man of my dreams who loves me and I am crazy about, moved to Manitoba, successfully switched majors to nutrition and lots of other stuff that I can't remember right now...
So many ups and downs if I tried to write them all this post would turn into a novel real quick. I sit in my living room at my computer writing this as a way to get all of my thoughts out of my head (like I always have). I'm sipping on a diet coke, eating crispy minis; to put into perspective how it's going with ED. So, not so good.
I suppose I'll share the events that can help explain why I am where I am.
I met the most incredible guy a year and a few months after my last post, and we've been together ever since. He is amazing and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him! I stayed at my school for most of last summer to take some summer classes and he moved in with me. We then went to Ontario so I could stay with my folks for a little while and he could do some training (he's in the military) about four hours away from my hometown. He stayed at my parents place on weekends so they could meet him and they love him. ED had fucked off, and I almost forgot he was even a thing. My boyfriend makes me feel so confident and happy that ED had no ammunition whatsoever. When you meet someone who is in love with you for you, it gives a confidence that I had never felt before.
We found out that my boyfriend was being posted to Manitoba, and as you've probably figured out, I came with him! I transferred to UManitoba and love the fresh start I am getting. I feel so refreshed and renewed and my marks are showing it, my GPA is skyrocketing! I was getting so burnt out at my old school and didn't want to be there anymore, plus my landlord was a fuckin jackass.
Over all of that time I had gained weight like crazy. As I said earlier, it really wasn't bothering me because I was so happy, and everything was going so well. Then not even two weeks after I got to Manitoba, my boyfriend found out that they were sending him on a five month course - IN ANOTHER PROVINCE. He felt really bad and I was so sad I couldn't stop crying. I only knew a couple of people and didn't know my way around so I was like fuuuuuuuuuuck.
I've been managing alright. Unfortunately I have also been alone with my thoughts a lot. During a stressful move and transfer, Which is a recipe for disaster.
I have relapsed. I was so stressed out and couldn't get out of bed some days that I stopped eating so I could do simple tasks. As soon as I did I felt 10000000x better.Then I got caught up on everything I had to but by then I had been doing this for too long and, needless to say, I haven't been eating normally. This has been going on for like a month and a bit (?). Now the go-get-'er attitude is gone because I've drained the energy from my body, and being a nutrition student, I know exactly why this is happening and that it is not a good thing at all.
I have been going back and forth between "I know I need the nutrients, and I want my boobs back (seriously, they were HUGE!!! I was so proud of them!!!)" and "all of my clothes are too small (like I'm fucking exploding out of them) and if I could just get back to my old weight, then I'll stop".
Every time I put on my clothes (like fucking every single piece of clothing that I own) I want to cry.. and sometimes do if I'm being completely honest. I haven't been counting exact calories, just keeping a rough idea in my head and trying not to go over a certain amount, as well as limiting fats. I SO badly want to start meticulously counting them again. I have been staying away from the gym because it fucks me over every time, but I can't help but feel a need to go. I have "the shakies" as I like to call them - when I'm really freaking hungry/weak/tired my whole body shakes and I can't focus on anything. My anxiety levels are back up again and I had to leave the mall early yesterday because I got too stressed out.
All so I can shave off the pounds faster.
It's getting worse and worse and sometimes it takes everything in me just to get out of bed... so I've missed a shit ton of classes. I'm conflicted. I don't want to fix it but I do.... it's so strange, and I didn't miss this feeling at all. My super amazing boyfriend has been so supportive and when I told him about all this he said that he will stand by me through all of it and help in any way that he can, and he's been true to his word. I love him so much and am definitely the luckiest girl ever to have such an amazing guy. It's helping me a lot.
That's it for now... I suppose part of this was to get my thoughts in order. To help me with my conflictedness (I know it isn't a word). To think about where I want to go from here. I'm still not sure, but at least I posted for the first time in a while.
Till next time,
Stephanie
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