Adventure

Holy shit balls

I am in tears now after going to the grocery store. It took me all freaking day to work up the nerve to go. I was supposed to go this morning when I had some energy but the thought of being around all that food was terrifying.

Since I have been struggling with wanting to break out of this and being too damn scared to, going to the grocery store had its own complications. Will I buy foods that are not by any means safe foods because I have a rebellious "fuck you" moment? What if that in itself makes me feel horrible? What if I only buy safe foods and find later I have made a solid resolve to fix this and can't because I only have safe foods at home? I'm a student so I don't want to make 100000000 trips to the grocery store! Is that my inner fat kid trying to make me gain weight again or my voice of reason who wants me to be healthy again? What if I get the urge to buy junk foods/fear foods? That is so embarrassing!!!!! How disgusting of me!!!!!

Needless to say I avoided it all day and stayed in bed.

Later (like much later... the evening) I texted my boyfriend because I was hoping he could make me feel better. I was not disappointed, and as usual he was amazing. He video called me saying that since he couldn't be there physically for me, he would call and talk to me. I felt a lot better after talking to him (as always) and decided to make a list and stick strictly to it. I watched some funny YouTube videos to help calm me, got ready, and made my way to the store.

I was TERRIFIED and SOOO uncomfortable but I stuck to my list and hurried so I could get the hell out of there. I went up to pay for my groceries and realized that I forgot my fucking wallet. Of course.

I almost broke into tears, asked the cashier if I could get my wallet and come back in a few. They were closing soon...it's 11pm here, their closing time, and at the time it was like 10:40 at the time. When I got home I wanted to just stay home and sit by myself and calm down, but the cashier was so nice and was waiting for me, so I decided to go back with my money to pay for the purchase. I called my boyfriend when I got home again and he was amazing, again. We couldn't talk long because he has to get up for work tomorrow morning but he stayed up late to talk to me and make sure I was ok before he went to bed.

Even though I am just finally calming down after writing this (posting has been really helpful!), I am pretty proud of myself. I went to the grocery store, got everything I needed, and even had to come back a second time; all without losing my composure (until I got home, that is..). Sure I wish I could just go to the store like a god damn normal person, but for now this is pretty good.

for fucks sake...

GAH!!!!

This is more of a rant post than a reflective/whatever my other ones are. I keep wanting to break free from this. When i go to Ottawa in a few weeks I want to be able to have fun with my boyfriend and eat whatever I want! If we go out, I want pasta and junk food! I want to focus on having fun and enjoying my time with him because I haven't seen him in so long and I miss him so much!!! But every time I get excited to see him I think about all of my discomfort surrounding food and how I'm not going to want to do half the activities that we normally do because it involves food!!

It's like a fucking cyst that wont go away! It's like some sort of deforming growth! A piece of gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe that comes alive and starts swallowing your whole fucking leg! I am sick of this! I am going insane! I feel like my fucking skull is going to split in two!!!! I am trying so desperately to make this stop and get back to my normal life, but I just can't seem to shake this!!! I want my life back. My normal life where I didn't think about this anymore! I'm tired of my whole body shaking, and being too tired to do anything, and not being able to sleep through the night, and not being able to focus on anything!

But typing this made me feel guilty and embarrassed and ashamed!! I mean, why can't I suck it up and just power through it?! I have loads of times before!! What's wrong with me where I want to give up now?! Just a little longer, a little slimmer - then I'll go back to being normal, but I know full well that I won't!!! But I keep thinking this time will be different!

FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so frustrated right now and my mind keeps going in circles and I'm so sick of it!!! What is wrong with me??? Why can't I just take care of myself like a normal person?? Why am I like this? I hate being like this!

Weird Stuff

Admittedly this is a very different experience this time around. Now that I know a lot more about food because I switched my major to nutrition, I am not avoiding foods that I used to before - fruits, rice, potatoes, ect. Albeit, I'm still significantly restricting; just not with the same things as before.

I noticed some thought patterns that I'm not used to this morning. I have lost a moderate amount of weight considering I have been avoiding the gym like the plague. I can't help but miss my curves and huge boobs. They were something that I quite enjoyed and now they're basically gone. At the same time I want to keep getting smaller. I want to keep restricting and exercising more because I don't feel like I'm losing the weight at a satisfactory rate. Today it felt like I missed my curves more than I wanted to restrict.

I thought to myself, you know what? I'm tired of my entire body shaking all the time, being dizzy, falling asleep all the time and not being able to sleep through the night to save my life. I made a resolve to say fuck this, I'm done with restricting. As soon as the thought came into my head I had an overwhelming feeling of fear and anxiety at the very thought of not restricting anymore. I instantly thought "ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?!?!" and stopped with those nonsense ideas. But they are still lingering in the back of my head.

I'm conflicted again, and it's so annoying. I want to be healthy and happy again and eat a goddamn full sized meal without freaking out. I want to go to a friends house for a movie night and eat popcorn without freaking out when I get home, thinking WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! (true story, happened not too long ago). At the same time I don't want to give up the little bit of control I have gotten that gave me the energy/confidence I needed to get through my day, I don't want to be exploding out of my clothes anymore. I don't want to constantly look at my body with disdain.

Quite simply, I'm afraid. I'm confused as hell and it is really scary for me.

Holy Shit It's Been A While...

Oops. My bad.

It's been a very busy year. Since my last post I have met the man of my dreams who loves me and I am crazy about, moved to Manitoba, successfully switched majors to nutrition and lots of other stuff that I can't remember right now...

So many ups and downs if I tried to write them all this post would turn into a novel real quick. I sit in my living room at my computer writing this as a way to get all of my thoughts out of my head (like I always have). I'm sipping on a diet coke, eating crispy minis; to put into perspective how it's going with ED. So, not so good.

I suppose I'll share the events that can help explain why I am where I am.

I met the most incredible guy a year and a few months after my last post, and we've been together ever since. He is amazing and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him! I stayed at my school for most of last summer to take some summer classes and he moved in with me. We then went to Ontario so I could stay with my folks for a little while and he could do some training (he's in the military) about four hours away from my hometown. He stayed at my parents place on weekends so they could meet him and they love him. ED had fucked off, and I almost forgot he was even a thing. My boyfriend makes me feel so confident and happy that ED had no ammunition whatsoever. When you meet someone who is in love with you for you, it gives a confidence that I had never felt before.

We found out that my boyfriend was being posted to Manitoba, and as you've probably figured out, I came with him! I transferred to UManitoba and love the fresh start I am getting. I feel so refreshed and renewed and my marks are showing it, my GPA is skyrocketing! I was getting so burnt out at my old school and didn't want to be there anymore, plus my landlord was a fuckin jackass.

Over all of that time I had gained weight like crazy. As I said earlier, it really wasn't bothering me because I was so happy, and everything was going so well. Then not even two weeks after I got to Manitoba, my boyfriend found out that they were sending him on a five month course - IN ANOTHER PROVINCE. He felt really bad and I was so sad I couldn't stop crying. I only knew a couple of people and didn't know my way around so I was like fuuuuuuuuuuck.

I've been managing alright. Unfortunately I have also been alone with my thoughts a lot. During a stressful move and transfer, Which is a recipe for disaster.

I have relapsed. I was so stressed out and couldn't get out of bed some days that I stopped eating so I could do simple tasks. As soon as I did I felt 10000000x better.Then I got caught up on everything I had to but by then I had been doing this for too long and, needless to say, I haven't been eating normally. This has been going on for like a month and a bit (?). Now the go-get-'er attitude is gone because I've drained the energy from my body, and being a nutrition student, I know exactly why this is happening and that it is not a good thing at all.

I have been going back and forth between "I know I need the nutrients, and I want my boobs back (seriously, they were HUGE!!! I was so proud of them!!!)"  and  "all of my clothes are too small (like I'm fucking exploding out of them) and if I could just get back to my old weight, then I'll stop".
Every time I put on my clothes (like fucking every single piece of clothing that I own) I want to cry.. and sometimes do if I'm being completely honest. I haven't been counting exact calories, just keeping a rough idea in my head and trying not to go over a certain amount, as well as limiting fats. I SO badly want to start meticulously counting them again. I have been staying away from the gym because it fucks me over every time, but I can't help but feel a need to go. I have "the shakies" as I like to call them - when I'm really freaking hungry/weak/tired my whole body shakes and I can't focus on anything. My anxiety levels are back up again and I had to leave the mall early yesterday because I got too stressed out.

All so I can shave off the pounds faster.

It's getting worse and worse and sometimes it takes everything in me just to get out of bed... so I've missed a shit ton of classes. I'm conflicted. I don't want to fix it but I do.... it's so strange, and I didn't miss this feeling at all. My super amazing boyfriend has been so supportive and when I told him about all this he said that he will stand by me through all of it and help in any way that he can, and he's been true to his word. I love him so much and am definitely the luckiest girl ever to have such an amazing guy. It's helping me a lot.

That's it for now... I suppose part of this was to get my thoughts in order. To help me with my conflictedness (I know it isn't a word). To think about where I want to go from here. I'm still not sure, but at least I posted for the first time in a while.

Till next time,

Stephanie