So Thursday night after I got home I was so incredibly grumpy it was unbelievable. I wanted to strangle someone for no apparent reason. This feeling was all too familiar. I had it every single day when I was struggling with ED. I hated everything. Everything was like a black and white movie - bleak and fuzzy. I was so angry all the time at absolutely nothing. I have never been so angry and hateful at any point in time in my life when ED was in my life - before and after. Looking back at it it's hard to believe just how hateful I was over everything - just because I was so miserable and hated everything that had the nerve to be happy or even exist.
I had a similar feeling the other night. Occasionally this happens still, and I have to rethink the last couple of days to see what has gone wrong to lead me to feel this way. Was it something someone said that made me uncomfortable? Was it a social situation (usually involving food or the mention of my weight) that made me uncomfortable? Was it something I have recently eaten/ was about to eat that I feel bad about? and then I stopped. OF COURSE!
The two food adventures (popcorn and chocolate) had given me a heightened awareness to food intake - particularly grains. When I am having a really bad food day the first things to go are grains, followed by dairy and fruit. Grains just make me uncomfortable that way, and dairy and fruit are the next runner ups. So after having the two HUGE adventures that I did in such a short time span already made me ultra nervous about food.
To add to that I get nervous about grains to begin with, bad food day or not. For example if I eat a sandwich for lunch, the two slices of bread are the only bread servings I am comfortable with - dinner will have to be something like rice, not another piece of bread or a dinner roll as a grain serving. Potatoes and rice are very tricky; I don't eat them on the same day, so if I have rice for lunch then dinner will have to be bread, not something with potato. I am obviously working on it, but for now those are some of the weird rules that ED has set out for me that I am dealing with.
Anyway, so I got home and my mom said that she was making eggs and toast for dinner as it had been a long day for everyone and no one felt like cooking anything extravagant or with much effort. It was then that it dawned on me that I had eaten a peanut butter sandwich for lunch that same day - after having the two food adventures in the days earlier in the week!!! Two pieces of bread at lunch and now two pieces of toast on the same day - that's four pieces of bread people!!! ED went NUTS, and for a while it was just in the form of a grumpy day...
ED is a sneaky son of a bitch, but I caught him red handed this time. It gets tricky sometimes, but I'm getting the hang of it again
Till next time,
Steph
Saturday, 31 May 2014
Untitled
I was reading a new members post in an ED recovery support group I joined online. She stated "I wish I could be as small as I feel." This really resonated with me because it makes so much sense, and pretty accurately describes how I felt a lot.
I felt tiny all the time. I felt - and still often feel - insignificant. Like a waste of space and flesh and air. I felt like an insect in a world of magnificent other creatures and species; the weed in a beautiful garden of vibrant flowers. I felt like a nuisance to everyone. Why does this person deserve to live among hard working, beautiful, and productive people while she contributes nothing? Why does this ugly person deserve to breathe the same air that these beautiful, more important people breathe?
I wished that I could actually shrink to the size of an insect and disappear, and do everyone a favor. I wondered if people didn't have to look at me or see me, I wouldn't be such a burden. I could leave the bigger world of people who were so much better than me; so much more deserving than I was and disappear into a deep dark tiny hole never to be bothered by - or be a bother to - anyone.
Some days I still feel like this.... ok most days, but it does get better. People who feel this way should know that you aren't worthless. You aren't pointless and you are NOT a waste of space. Whenever you think these things, think to yourself - would I ever say this to anyone else? I would be willing to bet money on the fact that you would not ever say something like that to someone else. You are no different from those other people. You are just as important and just as deserving. Please don't ever forget that.
I felt tiny all the time. I felt - and still often feel - insignificant. Like a waste of space and flesh and air. I felt like an insect in a world of magnificent other creatures and species; the weed in a beautiful garden of vibrant flowers. I felt like a nuisance to everyone. Why does this person deserve to live among hard working, beautiful, and productive people while she contributes nothing? Why does this ugly person deserve to breathe the same air that these beautiful, more important people breathe?
I wished that I could actually shrink to the size of an insect and disappear, and do everyone a favor. I wondered if people didn't have to look at me or see me, I wouldn't be such a burden. I could leave the bigger world of people who were so much better than me; so much more deserving than I was and disappear into a deep dark tiny hole never to be bothered by - or be a bother to - anyone.
Some days I still feel like this.... ok most days, but it does get better. People who feel this way should know that you aren't worthless. You aren't pointless and you are NOT a waste of space. Whenever you think these things, think to yourself - would I ever say this to anyone else? I would be willing to bet money on the fact that you would not ever say something like that to someone else. You are no different from those other people. You are just as important and just as deserving. Please don't ever forget that.
Wednesday, 28 May 2014
Hot Tub, Popcorn and Chocolate
It's been an interesting week including friends and food adventures. It's been stressful and rewarding at the same time.
Saturday I got to go out for dinner with a few girlfriends. It was so nice to see them again, I missed them while I was away at school. I remembered times we had gone out a couple of years ago and I would be so uncomfortable I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself. One time we went to a café in town where they got cheesecake. At the time my ED was at it's worst. I had lost so much weight that the pants I was wearing (in literally 25 degree weather) were falling off of me. This is no exaggeration, I was literally holding them up because they wouldn't stay on my waist - if I didn't my pants would have fallen to my ankles in middle of the café. I sat there with a bottle of water the entire time just wanting to get the hell out of there.
This time was different. Now I can actually have fun with my friends and be present and in the moment. We went to East Side Mario's for dinner. Pasta is a huge fear food for me; there was a time I wouldn't stay in the same room as a plate of pasta. It is still a big fear food, but because I know how to cope I can prepare myself ahead of time and act accordingly. I ordered soup and a salad which were delicious, and had a wonderful time with my friends. I feel so comfortable around them and because they know about ED they are so understanding and I always really appreciate the support and love they give me more than words can express.
After dinner we got some treats from the store and went to one of my friends house to take a dip in her hot tub and enjoy a bonfire afterward. Considering I can't even comfortably wear shorts, I will not wear a bathing suit - no way no how, so I just sat on the side and dipped my feet in. Of course I could hear ED... "You are so fucking weird! you can't even get in a bathing suit!" "don't even think about it, if you look terrible in shorts you will look horrendous in a bathing suit!" "try a moo moo, you would look better in one of those... and maybe not so disgusting" I just kept my mind on the conversation with my friends and the good time we were having.
My friends were so understanding and wonderful and we had a lot of fun. I snacked on jelly beans and marshmallows (the very few sugary treats I am comfortable with....don't ask why, I have no idea).
Monday my dad and I had just got off work and we went to Canadian Tire for some fertiliser on the way home. We walked past some Jiffy Pop popcorn and he smiled - it was a childhood favorite of his. I had mentioned that I had never had it before; just as a statement, not implying that I wanted to take part in eating it as popcorn is also a fear food. He was outraged (jokingly) and stated that no kid of his will go through life never having tried Jiffy Pop, picked one up and purchased it. I was freaking out silently. "Oh now you did it! watch that already fat ass of yours grow even bigger after eating THAT!" "I hope you're happy - you've managed to ruin your disgusting body even more!" "that butter is going to go straight to your ass you know!" "Can you say CELLULITE?"
When we got home I thought "ED FUCK OFF!" and decided to try some popcorn with my dad. This was the first time in a year that I've eaten popcorn and I was thoroughly freaked out but felt victorious at the same time. I had had a couple of pieces here and there before when I was feeling brave but never an actual serving - like a few handfuls! And it was delicious!! I thoroughly enjoyed my popcorn with my dad as we watched a movie.
Yesterday was yet another food adventure. A good friend of mine at work Rebecca, really had a craving for some chocolate. Chocolate is right up there with pasta on the fear food scale for me. Holy god can it make me uncomfortable. I can drink hot chocolate and chocolate milk no problem, but ask me to eat solid chocolate - even chocolate chips - and I bolt. She offered me a piece and I really thought hard about it. All I could hear for a while was "CELLULITE!!" "GUT!" "THUNDER THIGHS!" and then I thought really hard about it. If Rebecca is not fat by any means and quite a pretty girl and she is eating the whole chocolate bar; than I'm pretty sure that one square of the chocolate bar will not ruin me. I decided to have a piece. This was a HUGE deal. I told her and she told me that she was very happy for me and it made me feel even better. She is so wonderful and supportive. I know that I can always talk to her and she genuinely cares, which is hard to come by. She is very sincere, so the fact that she said that means A LOT to me.
Later that night was pretty rough though. I could hear stupid ED nagging at me all night. Even though it sucked that ED used that against me, I am still glad that I did it. I need to get more into the habit of taking control. This is MY life, MY body and what I decide to do with it are MY decisions, NOT ED's!
Even though this prison is quite comfy, I've grown quite tired of it, so I'm moving out!
Saturday I got to go out for dinner with a few girlfriends. It was so nice to see them again, I missed them while I was away at school. I remembered times we had gone out a couple of years ago and I would be so uncomfortable I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself. One time we went to a café in town where they got cheesecake. At the time my ED was at it's worst. I had lost so much weight that the pants I was wearing (in literally 25 degree weather) were falling off of me. This is no exaggeration, I was literally holding them up because they wouldn't stay on my waist - if I didn't my pants would have fallen to my ankles in middle of the café. I sat there with a bottle of water the entire time just wanting to get the hell out of there.
This time was different. Now I can actually have fun with my friends and be present and in the moment. We went to East Side Mario's for dinner. Pasta is a huge fear food for me; there was a time I wouldn't stay in the same room as a plate of pasta. It is still a big fear food, but because I know how to cope I can prepare myself ahead of time and act accordingly. I ordered soup and a salad which were delicious, and had a wonderful time with my friends. I feel so comfortable around them and because they know about ED they are so understanding and I always really appreciate the support and love they give me more than words can express.
After dinner we got some treats from the store and went to one of my friends house to take a dip in her hot tub and enjoy a bonfire afterward. Considering I can't even comfortably wear shorts, I will not wear a bathing suit - no way no how, so I just sat on the side and dipped my feet in. Of course I could hear ED... "You are so fucking weird! you can't even get in a bathing suit!" "don't even think about it, if you look terrible in shorts you will look horrendous in a bathing suit!" "try a moo moo, you would look better in one of those... and maybe not so disgusting" I just kept my mind on the conversation with my friends and the good time we were having.
My friends were so understanding and wonderful and we had a lot of fun. I snacked on jelly beans and marshmallows (the very few sugary treats I am comfortable with....don't ask why, I have no idea).
Monday my dad and I had just got off work and we went to Canadian Tire for some fertiliser on the way home. We walked past some Jiffy Pop popcorn and he smiled - it was a childhood favorite of his. I had mentioned that I had never had it before; just as a statement, not implying that I wanted to take part in eating it as popcorn is also a fear food. He was outraged (jokingly) and stated that no kid of his will go through life never having tried Jiffy Pop, picked one up and purchased it. I was freaking out silently. "Oh now you did it! watch that already fat ass of yours grow even bigger after eating THAT!" "I hope you're happy - you've managed to ruin your disgusting body even more!" "that butter is going to go straight to your ass you know!" "Can you say CELLULITE?"
When we got home I thought "ED FUCK OFF!" and decided to try some popcorn with my dad. This was the first time in a year that I've eaten popcorn and I was thoroughly freaked out but felt victorious at the same time. I had had a couple of pieces here and there before when I was feeling brave but never an actual serving - like a few handfuls! And it was delicious!! I thoroughly enjoyed my popcorn with my dad as we watched a movie.
Yesterday was yet another food adventure. A good friend of mine at work Rebecca, really had a craving for some chocolate. Chocolate is right up there with pasta on the fear food scale for me. Holy god can it make me uncomfortable. I can drink hot chocolate and chocolate milk no problem, but ask me to eat solid chocolate - even chocolate chips - and I bolt. She offered me a piece and I really thought hard about it. All I could hear for a while was "CELLULITE!!" "GUT!" "THUNDER THIGHS!" and then I thought really hard about it. If Rebecca is not fat by any means and quite a pretty girl and she is eating the whole chocolate bar; than I'm pretty sure that one square of the chocolate bar will not ruin me. I decided to have a piece. This was a HUGE deal. I told her and she told me that she was very happy for me and it made me feel even better. She is so wonderful and supportive. I know that I can always talk to her and she genuinely cares, which is hard to come by. She is very sincere, so the fact that she said that means A LOT to me.
Later that night was pretty rough though. I could hear stupid ED nagging at me all night. Even though it sucked that ED used that against me, I am still glad that I did it. I need to get more into the habit of taking control. This is MY life, MY body and what I decide to do with it are MY decisions, NOT ED's!
Even though this prison is quite comfy, I've grown quite tired of it, so I'm moving out!
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
Shorts Season
It's that time of year again. Time to get out the shorts and bathing suit; for most people, that is. I wouldn't be caught dead in a swim suit. It's just not happening. Shorts on the other hand are slightly more possible with a little encouragement from my wonderful siblings.
This will be the second year wearing shorts since I was a little kid. Before last year it had been literally years since I had worn a pair of shorts. I think I was in high school phys ed, and that was because I had to, and they were soccer shorts so I could cover up as much as I possibly could - I was 14 tops. The only exception was when we went to Florida the next year for obvious reasons. Last year I was 20 before I even considered wearing them again.
So far I have worn shorts once - and it was so uncomfortable. I didn't even leave the house. All I could think was ED's voice screaming "MMOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" It was awful. Am I stalling to wearing them again? Yes. It scares the bejesus out of me.
The BBQ went well. I was really nervous at first but then I felt a bit better as the lunch hour went on. I could hear ED screaming at me the whole god damn time; "This is why your pants are so tight you fat ass!!" "That's it, stuff your face..." I just kept thinking about all of the good nutrients that I was getting from the food - carbs (which are GOOD FOR YOU), protein, iron. Near the end of the lunch break I was able to concentrate a bit better, and could drown ED's voice out at least a little.
The shorts mountain of a challenge is going to be a pain in the ass just like last year was. I cried, I changed into pants sometimes, I was uncomfortable. More importantly however, I was learning to do what is best for my body. If it is too hot I need to put on shorts to cool down; not continue hiding under layers. I have considerably more padding now since starting recovery, so wearing a sweater and pants during 35 degree weather just isn't going to fly.
There will be plenty more entries about this as it is a HUGE issue for me and a mountain of a fear to conquer.
Till next time
Steph
This will be the second year wearing shorts since I was a little kid. Before last year it had been literally years since I had worn a pair of shorts. I think I was in high school phys ed, and that was because I had to, and they were soccer shorts so I could cover up as much as I possibly could - I was 14 tops. The only exception was when we went to Florida the next year for obvious reasons. Last year I was 20 before I even considered wearing them again.
So far I have worn shorts once - and it was so uncomfortable. I didn't even leave the house. All I could think was ED's voice screaming "MMOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" It was awful. Am I stalling to wearing them again? Yes. It scares the bejesus out of me.
The BBQ went well. I was really nervous at first but then I felt a bit better as the lunch hour went on. I could hear ED screaming at me the whole god damn time; "This is why your pants are so tight you fat ass!!" "That's it, stuff your face..." I just kept thinking about all of the good nutrients that I was getting from the food - carbs (which are GOOD FOR YOU), protein, iron. Near the end of the lunch break I was able to concentrate a bit better, and could drown ED's voice out at least a little.
The shorts mountain of a challenge is going to be a pain in the ass just like last year was. I cried, I changed into pants sometimes, I was uncomfortable. More importantly however, I was learning to do what is best for my body. If it is too hot I need to put on shorts to cool down; not continue hiding under layers. I have considerably more padding now since starting recovery, so wearing a sweater and pants during 35 degree weather just isn't going to fly.
There will be plenty more entries about this as it is a HUGE issue for me and a mountain of a fear to conquer.
Till next time
Steph
Wednesday, 14 May 2014
The Novel-Long Update
Hi There!
Sorry it's been a while. After coming home I basically got one day of rest and then started work again - which has been draining. So, so draining. Don't worry though, I'm still here :)
A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks, I don't even know where to start! Lets see..
When I first got home I knew it was time to start eating at least a little bit better because I was going to work in a warehouse. This means manual labour, lifting, sweating, walking, climbing - LIFTING. It takes a lot of energy to be able to keep up there, which means that you need to eat well. I worked there two years ago when my anorexia was really bad and honestly have no idea how I did it - it's such hard work. That said, I knew I had to be healthy and well fed and nourished for the summer if I was going to be of any use at all. It was tough to increase my intake - it was filled with A LOT of acid reflux and anxiety, but I have managed to get to a place where I can work efficiently without worrying about passing out in the middle of one of the isles.
Re-increasing my intake was a pain in the ass as always. I had acid reflux like you would not believe. I was eating Tums and peppermint gum like they were going out of style. It was awful because while I was having acid reflux I couldn't help but want to purge. It would help my stomach to not go insane and I wouldn't have to worry about weight gain. I could remember after a binge when I would feel uncomfortable and guilty and my ED would say "That's you're cue! go to it!". It was like clock work.
I resisted and got my intake up almost to what it used to be. I still have some work to do, but at least for now I can keep up at work.
I got to meet with some friends that I missed so much while I was away at school. It was so wonderful to see them again. Usually we would meet in a coffee shop and catch up on each others lives and such. It almost always involved food of some sort which was always nerve racking. I tried an apple fritter for the first time in my life. It was really tasty, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel any guilt. Especially since I had it really late.
I can get uncomfortable after eating after certain times. These times have changed over the last couple years, for instance; When my anorexia came back with a bulimic side kick I wouldn't eat past 3pm unless it was to binge and then purge. Lately it has been 7pm. This is enough time to have dinner and then a light snack if need be before I go to bed to hold me off until the morning. When I have food after that I always fear that my body won't be able to burn off the energy that I ate and it will be stored as fat over night. If you eat before a few hours before bed it gives your body the time it needs to use the energy you took in that day. This is lightly based on fact, but my ED has twisted and contorted it to make a distorted thought that I still struggle with to this day.
Any-old-hoo.
Last week was my sisters school band performance which was held at her high school (my old high school). I hated that school. Whenever I walk anywhere near that part of town I get so uncomfortable and want more than anything to leave. I was bullied in grade nine and the names still follow me today. Whenever I walk around that school or even surrounding area I can recall different things that were said to me at that corner or in that room or that field. I could tell you who called me ugly or a loser in front of that building, and I could tell you who stood there and watched or laughed. Even though by the end of grade nine it had been resolved and I made new friends I still carried those names and labels with me all throughout high school. This put my confidence level at a perpetual low and thus opened the door to ED.
I wanted to see her play though (rockin' the clarinet, just like I did!) so I braved that piece of shit school and went to the performance. I just focused on my sister and the music, and ignored the triggers and reminiscent (and unpleasant) scenes that were playing out in my head all over again. It was a great performance, and my sister did really well. I was glad that I went, but very relieved when it was time to leave.
This weekend I cut my hair and donated it. It was a huge transformation for me, and it's still taking a while to get used to. I got so many compliments on FB and at work!! It made me feel all warm n' fuzzy :3
It was the first time in YEARS that I was able to hear a compliment and take it for what it was. I didn't hear ED saying "They're just being nice" "You actually look like shit, just no one wants to say anything" which was a pleasant surprise. ED, however, found a new way to make me miserable.
I kept thinking - or ED was telling me, rather - "Since all of the attention is on you, people are really going to start noticing that belly you've got going on there" "Great, now people are definitely going to notice your thunder thighs!". I really do appreciate the compliments, but my god ED is annoying! Even after I got my hair cut I started picking myself apart. "Does it make my face look wide?" "Oh no, now I can't cover up my man shoulders!". Gah, it gets exhausting.
I recently started having a rougher go again with food needless to say....
That said, my work is having a free BBQ for employees on Friday and I am scared shitless. I am so terrified that ED will somehow get louder than he already is. I am already hearing "Oh my god, don't have anything - you'll overeat!" "You know people are going to notice how much you get; better to just skip it" "You're already eating so much and have gained so much weight, do you really think this is such a good idea?" all the time, and it's only Wednesday! This is gonna be tough...
I will be sure to post an update on that on Friday.
Till then, sorry about the frikin novel...
Steph
Sorry it's been a while. After coming home I basically got one day of rest and then started work again - which has been draining. So, so draining. Don't worry though, I'm still here :)
A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks, I don't even know where to start! Lets see..
When I first got home I knew it was time to start eating at least a little bit better because I was going to work in a warehouse. This means manual labour, lifting, sweating, walking, climbing - LIFTING. It takes a lot of energy to be able to keep up there, which means that you need to eat well. I worked there two years ago when my anorexia was really bad and honestly have no idea how I did it - it's such hard work. That said, I knew I had to be healthy and well fed and nourished for the summer if I was going to be of any use at all. It was tough to increase my intake - it was filled with A LOT of acid reflux and anxiety, but I have managed to get to a place where I can work efficiently without worrying about passing out in the middle of one of the isles.
Re-increasing my intake was a pain in the ass as always. I had acid reflux like you would not believe. I was eating Tums and peppermint gum like they were going out of style. It was awful because while I was having acid reflux I couldn't help but want to purge. It would help my stomach to not go insane and I wouldn't have to worry about weight gain. I could remember after a binge when I would feel uncomfortable and guilty and my ED would say "That's you're cue! go to it!". It was like clock work.
I resisted and got my intake up almost to what it used to be. I still have some work to do, but at least for now I can keep up at work.
I got to meet with some friends that I missed so much while I was away at school. It was so wonderful to see them again. Usually we would meet in a coffee shop and catch up on each others lives and such. It almost always involved food of some sort which was always nerve racking. I tried an apple fritter for the first time in my life. It was really tasty, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel any guilt. Especially since I had it really late.
I can get uncomfortable after eating after certain times. These times have changed over the last couple years, for instance; When my anorexia came back with a bulimic side kick I wouldn't eat past 3pm unless it was to binge and then purge. Lately it has been 7pm. This is enough time to have dinner and then a light snack if need be before I go to bed to hold me off until the morning. When I have food after that I always fear that my body won't be able to burn off the energy that I ate and it will be stored as fat over night. If you eat before a few hours before bed it gives your body the time it needs to use the energy you took in that day. This is lightly based on fact, but my ED has twisted and contorted it to make a distorted thought that I still struggle with to this day.
Any-old-hoo.
Last week was my sisters school band performance which was held at her high school (my old high school). I hated that school. Whenever I walk anywhere near that part of town I get so uncomfortable and want more than anything to leave. I was bullied in grade nine and the names still follow me today. Whenever I walk around that school or even surrounding area I can recall different things that were said to me at that corner or in that room or that field. I could tell you who called me ugly or a loser in front of that building, and I could tell you who stood there and watched or laughed. Even though by the end of grade nine it had been resolved and I made new friends I still carried those names and labels with me all throughout high school. This put my confidence level at a perpetual low and thus opened the door to ED.
I wanted to see her play though (rockin' the clarinet, just like I did!) so I braved that piece of shit school and went to the performance. I just focused on my sister and the music, and ignored the triggers and reminiscent (and unpleasant) scenes that were playing out in my head all over again. It was a great performance, and my sister did really well. I was glad that I went, but very relieved when it was time to leave.
This weekend I cut my hair and donated it. It was a huge transformation for me, and it's still taking a while to get used to. I got so many compliments on FB and at work!! It made me feel all warm n' fuzzy :3
It was the first time in YEARS that I was able to hear a compliment and take it for what it was. I didn't hear ED saying "They're just being nice" "You actually look like shit, just no one wants to say anything" which was a pleasant surprise. ED, however, found a new way to make me miserable.
I kept thinking - or ED was telling me, rather - "Since all of the attention is on you, people are really going to start noticing that belly you've got going on there" "Great, now people are definitely going to notice your thunder thighs!". I really do appreciate the compliments, but my god ED is annoying! Even after I got my hair cut I started picking myself apart. "Does it make my face look wide?" "Oh no, now I can't cover up my man shoulders!". Gah, it gets exhausting.
I recently started having a rougher go again with food needless to say....
That said, my work is having a free BBQ for employees on Friday and I am scared shitless. I am so terrified that ED will somehow get louder than he already is. I am already hearing "Oh my god, don't have anything - you'll overeat!" "You know people are going to notice how much you get; better to just skip it" "You're already eating so much and have gained so much weight, do you really think this is such a good idea?" all the time, and it's only Wednesday! This is gonna be tough...
I will be sure to post an update on that on Friday.
Till then, sorry about the frikin novel...
Steph
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