Grains

So Thursday night after I got home I was so incredibly grumpy it was unbelievable. I wanted to strangle someone for  no apparent reason. This feeling was all too familiar. I had it every single day when I was struggling with ED. I hated everything. Everything was like a black and white movie - bleak and fuzzy. I was so angry all the time at absolutely nothing. I have never been so angry and hateful at any point in time in my life when ED was in my life - before and after. Looking back at it it's hard to believe just how hateful I was over everything - just because I was so miserable and hated everything that had the nerve to be happy or even exist.


I had a similar feeling the other night. Occasionally this happens still, and I have to rethink the last couple of days to see what has gone wrong to lead me to feel this way. Was it something someone said that made me uncomfortable? Was it a social situation (usually involving food or the mention of my weight) that made me uncomfortable? Was it something I have recently eaten/ was about to eat that I feel bad about? and then I stopped. OF COURSE!


The two food adventures (popcorn and chocolate) had given me a heightened awareness to food intake - particularly grains. When I am having a really bad food day the first things to go are grains, followed by dairy and fruit. Grains just make me uncomfortable that way, and dairy and fruit are the next runner ups. So after having the two HUGE adventures that I did in such a short time span already made me ultra nervous about food.


To add to that I get nervous about grains to begin with, bad food day or not. For example if I eat a sandwich for lunch, the two slices of bread are the only bread servings I am comfortable with - dinner will have to be something like rice, not another piece of bread or a dinner roll as a grain serving. Potatoes and rice are very tricky; I don't eat them on the same day, so if I have rice for lunch then dinner will have to be bread, not something with potato. I am obviously working on it, but for now those are some of the weird rules that ED has set out for me that I am dealing with.


Anyway, so I got home and my mom said that she was making eggs and toast for dinner as it had been a long day for everyone and no one felt like cooking anything extravagant or with much effort. It was then that it dawned on me that I had eaten a peanut butter sandwich for lunch that same day - after having the two food adventures in the days earlier in the week!!! Two pieces of bread at lunch and now two pieces of toast on the same day - that's four pieces of bread people!!! ED went NUTS, and for a while it was just in the form of a grumpy day...


ED is a sneaky son of a bitch, but I caught him red handed this time.  It gets tricky sometimes, but I'm getting the hang of it again


Till next time,




Steph