Exercising On My Own

So I was going to meet my friend at the gym the other day and because my phone is broken, I didn't see her text that she couldn't make it. I had been waiting outside the gym where we usually meet up and after a while I assumed that she wasn't coming, so I decided that I would try and go on my own. It was an odd feeling, because I haven't gone to the gym by myself since I was sick. I didn't really know what to expect, but I wanted to give it a try.


When I first stepped in the gym I could remember being a frail, tired, sick girl who hated that she "had" to be there. I remembered looking around at all the fit, strong beautiful people that I envied, feeling like I could never look like them or be as confident as them, or look as good as they did while wearing shorts/tank top/leggings, ect. I remember feeling like the black sheep in the room; the odd one out. I could feel the stares and hear their thoughts; “why is this awkward girl here?”, “she looks so lost, she should probably leave”, “do you even know how to use this equipment?” I’m sure they didn’t even notice me, but it always felt like they did..



When I stepped on the elliptical I remembered looking at the screen where it said how many calories you were burning off and I remembered watching it desperately to see that number go up. I remember looking at the heart monitor on the other side of the screen and seeing it go red, seeing that I was over-exerting myself and not caring. All that mattered was that I was burning calories, burning fat, "fixing" myself. I remembered being in so much pain but refusing to stop, refusing to give up.



I looked up and saw the tread mill, and the exercise bike and remembered my hour and a half workout; tread mill, bike and elliptical. I remembered knowing that once I got through that hour and a half torture I would get to go home for a couple of hours and then head back and do it again later that day; no excuses, at LEAST twice a day. Every day.



I remember wanting, hoping to pass out in the gym. Then at least someone would find out and be able to help me escape this prison that I was residing in. I also remember ED being angry at me for having the nerve to think like that; he knew what was best, so how dare I disagree!!? He wouldn’t let that happen. It was a love - hate relationship...


I would be lying if I said that these weren't painful memories. To be honest, ED was screaming at me the whole time; "Your friend doesn't have to know just how much exercise you get.. or that you were even here, it will be our little secret!" "Now you can work off the extra food you've eaten! No one has to know!". I saw the "calories burned" on the screen and kept looking at it. I could feel ED creeping into my head again.


I wasn't going to let him win. Not this time. I had my ipod with me and cranked some tunes to drown out his annoying voice. I kept repeating to myself "Fit, Strong, HEALTHY" over and over again. I thought about all of my new role models who are strong and healthy. I thought about everything that I've accomplished and everything I want to accomplish still. When my body got tired, I listened to the cues and stopped exercising. I have to respect to my body, because I certainly haven't in the past.


I was so proud of myself. I haven't been able to stand up to ED like that in a long time, and it was such a wonderful feeling. Things are looking up, and I couldn't be happier. I will keep moving forward, no matter what!


See you later :)


Stephanie