Even before I started struggling with my disorder I wasn't a social butterfly by any means. I have always been awkward, never knowing what to say or do in social situations. When people talk to me, my face has been known to go beet red and I have a hard time carrying out conversation. I start to sweat, my hands shake and I feel sick to my stomach. If I looked up, I'm pretty sure you could crack an egg on my forehead and make fried eggs on my face because my body temperature spikes. A lot of people end up dismissing me as weird or annoying and anything in between, and end up leaving to talk to someone else who doesn't make them uncomfortable to be around.
When I started struggling with my disorder, it got even worse. Since food is such a huge part of our culture, any social interaction would involve being around or consuming food. For anyone struggling with an eating disorder, this is a nightmare come true. I would cry before family gatherings asking my parents not to take me, to just go without me. Then when we got home again I would be traumatized and would end up crying even more. Being around people with food is problematic for a number of reasons;
- When you are afraid of gaining weight and therefore fear any food that could "ruin" all of your hard work (the starvation to lose the weight that you have so far), being in a room full of it is horrifying. Sometimes I would want to eat so badly because I was so hungry, but ED would be screaming in my ear that I wasn't allowed, that I wasn't being very good for even wanting the food and that I didn't deserve it anyway.
- And heaven forbid someone notice that you aren't eating anything; or notice you at all for that matter. "You look so skinny! eat something already!" "There's almost nothing on your plate!" "Here, have a brownie" are just a few of the billions of horrible things you could hear when you want to leave for fear of being noticed and/or talked to. Even if the attention you get is positive, it can still be a nightmare. I hated getting compliments because I always convinced myself that person was just trying to make me feel better about myself. You know when your friend wears a horrible looking shirt, and you tell them it looks good to spare their feelings? You feel like that friend ALL THE TIME! For instance, "Your hair looks nice today" is followed by ED saying "they're just being nice, you're actually really ugly; you and I both know that"
- Even when people do know that you have an eating disorder, you can feel them staring at you and looking at your plate to see portion sizes. At least, that's how you feel. Chances are they aren't paying that much attention, it just feels like it.
- Add that to the mix of already ED riddled thoughts and you have a REALLY bad day in the making. "You are just being a pain to everyone" "don't eat that or you'll have to exercise it all off tomorrow!" "They're trying not to tell you that you should lose some more weight because they don't want to hurt your feelings" "No one even wants you here anyway" "You're disgusting for even wanting to eat this food fat ass!". The list goes on and on, but that's a sample.
- When people offer you food and you say no, it can sometimes be taken really personally (again, a cultural thing). Feeling obligated to kindly accept is normal, but then so is the panic of thinking "OH MY GOD DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST EAT THAT?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!" It's a hard decision to make; do you hurt that persons feelings or put yourself through a shit-storm of ED thoughts?
It is really frustrating, because I often shy away from people and social situations just because I'm afraid of making a complete ass of myself. Other times I'm scared to trust someone or make friends with them in case they're assholes. What if they judge me because of my disorder? what if they judge me because I'm just weird? I miss out on a lot of friendships with really cool people because I'm afraid. For one reason or another, I'm afraid of letting them in; or being around them for that matter.
That is changing, and I couldn't be happier (or more afraid)
I have been working with my counsellor to try and overcome this social anxiety for a while now. Like overcoming an eating disorder, you have to expose yourself to the things that scare you no matter how scary it is. And this is terrifying. Like holy shit.
I went out a bunch of times with both old and new friends and had a blast each time! I'm trying to expand my friends circle and meet new people, and am having some success so far. One of said events even involved going out for dinner to celebrate a friends birthday. This group of friends are new friends, so it was especially terrifying. Imagine it - being around people I don't know that well and aren't yet that comfortable with EATING FOOD! Of course I could hear ED before and during this fabulous occasion, but I just focused on the people I was with and the fun I was having with them. The next morning was a bitch because I didn't have anyone to turn my attention to. I woke up and got to hear everything ED had to say to me, and he wasn't happy. It was definitely not a good morning and there were a lot of tears. Again, I just focused on the awesome time that I had and worked on some of my therapy exercises. Eventually it took the edge off and I was able to start my day.
The very next night I went to an old friends house that I hadn't seen in forever. We were going to get together and exchange Christmas gifts before, but life kinda got in the way, so we decided it was now or never. It was so great to see them again, and I got to meet even more awesome people! Of course there was food, but after the morning I had I wasn't feeling too adventurous. I just politely said that I had just had a huge supper and was full. The night went on and I had a wonderful time with wonderful people. I was uncomfortable, but that's to be expected. I just kept thinking that if everyone were that uncomfortable or didn't want me there that much, they would just leave or ask me to leave, and they didn't so yay!
That was just in one weekend. The rest of this term is going to be very busy and very social and I'm scared shitless. It's good because I need the exposure, but it's terrifying at the same time. Only time will tell how it's going to go and I will keep you updated :)
Taking life into my own hands again is so wonderful and empowering. I never thought I would be able to do it, but here I am! If I can do it, so can anyone else. Recovery is possible.
Sorry this was a frikin novel btw.... my bad....
That's all for now though, don't worry
See ya!
Stephanie
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