Home for the Summer

I’m sitting on the train going back home to Ontario for the summer. Well actually, by the time this is posted I will be home…. I’m just saving this on a word document till I get home to some wifi where I can post it. Time warp.

I wanted so badly to go to the snack cart and order some food, maybe crackers or something. I keep fighting off the urge because I don’t actually feel hungry, I just keep thinking about food all the freaking time. I feel tired and weak and grumpy, but that’s become the norm the last couple of weeks. I have already eaten more than I am comfortable with over the last 24 hours.

Yesterday I went and got a crepe with a couple of friends which was SO uncomfortable. I didn’t want to go because I had no interest in eating anything whatsoever, but I needed to thank my two friends who helped me move into my new apartment. When one of them suggested we go and get some supper I pounced on the idea to show them my gratitude by paying, but that also meant that I had to go too….. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable so I got a savory  crepe; I figured If I just sat there while they ate it would be awkward, so I got the one that would give me the least anxiety. It was really tasty, but I’m not sure if it’s because everything is delicious to me right now or it’s because it was actually a good meal..

Anyway, then this morning I ate some breakfast so that I didn’t fall asleep in the cab on the way to the train station. I figured it was going to be a long ride filled with plenty of awkward moments; I didn’t want to make it worse by falling asleep on the poor driver. I’ve been snacking on hard candies when I do get feelings of hunger, but now I’m pretty sure I might go into a diabetic coma if I have any more – and boy would that be awkward! “Mom, dad, sorry I didn’t get off of the train when it rolled in I’ve actually been in the hospital the past little while…” I don’t think that would go over well.

I am just sipping on water and occasionally a hot chocolate (don’t ask why I can drink hot chocolate and chocolate milk on a good day but not anything else with chocolate in it… I don’t really understand either).

I am definitely going to have to get back in contact with my recovery team (type thing) in Ontario again. This is going to mean going to regular appointments with my nutritionist/shrink/councillor over the summer. I have got to get back on track before I fly too far off the handle bars (again). I have come too far to go back to square one. This has turned into much more than a hiccup and I need to put a stop to it now… I just might need to call in some reinforcements to help. I know I can do it though; this is one determined bitch that isn’t going to give up. Not this easily at least!