Feeling Better

Today I went to the post office to find a surprise from a dear friend of mine who is doing her internship in Alberta. It was a package containing some of my favorite sweet treats and an amazing card with some awesome inspirational quotes and sayings printed out for me. She knows about the struggles I've been having and took it upon herself to send me this uplifting package. As well, just yesterday a friend of more than 10 years texted me and caught up with me. We talked about life and Pentatonix and it was a great distraction from life. A friend of mine has offered to study with me so that when I feel overwhelmed I can talk to her right there and then when I need it. I can not express in words how much these things mean to me.


The last few months had been awful day after awful day (as per usual) in which I had spent faking a smile and going through the motions of every day hoping to get it over with. Today I had plans of going home and making myself a drink and miserating in my room alone while attempting to make a dent in my mountain of school work that isn't doing itself. I have been struggling with my eating disorder quite a lot lately. The feeling of worthlessness and insignificance keeps hindering in the back of my mind. I have been really uncomfortable in my body and hating every inch of it. I know that I need to eat to fuel and I've done a pretty good job of keeping ED at bay by telling myself that I need the nutrients to do everything I have to do, but it's getting harder and harder.


Seeing that my friend took the time to make me those pictures and card and treats and send it to me reminds me that there are people that care about me. Just because one asshole threw me out doesn't make me any less of a person and certainly doesn't define my worth - if it did, he wouldn't have been the only one to do so. Knowing that my friend cared enough to send me a text showed me that people are thinking of me and that people do care about me. I am not a fucking jack-o-lantern, I am a human being who should not be carving her leg. I deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. The fact that things didn't work out with that asshole is no reflection on me and I have nothing to be sorry for. This term may be the term from hell - the worst one of my university career so far, but I need to keep going. I can't give up, I've worked too hard to get this far and I won't just give up.


I will be discouraged, and I will want to give up - fuck knows I already have felt these things. I won't let these things get in the way though. This has been by far my greatest challenge since my eating disorder. It has been probably the next hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I have to keep going. If ED can't keep me down then god damnit, a hellish year isn't going to either


There will be days this resolve will break. Hell, it's a pretty shaky one right now if I'm being completely honest, but I know that thinking about it will help me get through this. Knowing that I have people who care about me will help me keep this resolve and keep move forward. I may not have the energy anymore to come back swingin' or make a dramatic bounce back but I can crawl to the finish line, knowing that I'm not alone. I don't have to go through this by myself. For now if that's all I can muster I know that my amazing friends will help me out with the rest and that means the world :')


If you know someone with some or all of my struggles or even someone who is just going through a hard time, take a minute to reach out to them. Just because they haven't contacted you doesn't mean they don't want to hear from you, it might just mean they don't have the strength in them to ask for help. Maybe they're so busy with life that asking for help is the last thing on their mind. Maybe they're so down on themselves they don't think they deserve it. Your effort could be enough to turn their day around. You won't fix them, but you could give them the strength they need to start fixing themselves.


It means the world. Really, it does <3

Still Fucking Tired

Ugh, nothing has gotten better. At all.


I am taking five courses and three labs that are literally going to determine the course of my life for the next few years at least. I need a certain average to get into the nutrition major and can't fail a single course in part because it would bring my average below what is required, but also because they are pre-reqs for other courses I need to take in the two years after this. I fail a course, I don't keep going. End of the line. All that work for nothing. I don't have the money to spend a year catching up. Here's the kicker - I am pretty sure I am failing or close to it in most of these classes. Like no exaggeration - and it's scaring the hell out of me.


I had the option of dropping stats which is my lowest mark so far and take it online over the summer. UUMM, OK!! the last online courses this summer went great! Sign me up!! *rolls eyes*. Naturally I need to take this in class as I was not made to be able to do online courses successfully; so I stayed in the class (the last day to drop it without getting a failing mark was Friday) but now the pressure's on - and I'm already breaking under the pressure.


On top of all that I keep thinking of the dick head I met before and it's not helping. Part of the issues I was having with ED was the feeling of worthlessness; that no one cared about me or that I was just a nuisance to everyone. That I didn't matter, and didn't deserve to exist. Now having someone prove that I don't matter is only making it harder to combat those thoughts. I can think all I want about other factors, ect. like I was taught in therapy, but even when we were "together" he made it painfully clear that he didn't care. If it was that god damn easy for him to be like that to me, he can't be the only problem. Now, how much of that is me and how much of that is ED thinking that, I don't even know anymore, and I'm exhausted from trying to figure it out. The fact is, that someone was fine with throwing me out like a piece of trash and it's been telling me a lot about my own worth.


I spent most of the weekend like most ordinary days now - crying in my room. On my way home from the gym today I thought I was having a pretty good day, so I got a bag of M&M's to have my own mini (belated) Halloween snack while I study (as I couldn't on the weekend because I was crying..). I started thinking about him on my way home and got upset and didn't want the candy anymore. Not long after I thought "fuck that prick, I want my damn candy" and ate the M&M's. As soon as I finished them, he came back into my head along with all of the school and financial stress that I have and ED came back like a god damn hurricane
"Hey fat ass, did you miss me?" "Did you actually think you could exist without me??" "M&M's? Really?" "You are why he left you. Sorry to break it to you" "You are going to fail. Have fun proving everyone right that said you couldn't do it - plus, falling on your face won't be so bad, it's ugly anyway - and then it would fix your overbite! Hahaha!!"
I went to curl up in a ball to cry when I noticed my legs and tummy and heard "We definitely  have to fix those" "Please don't wear workout pants until we fix it - you look disgusting." "How do you even fit in those? I'm surprised they haven't ripped right open"


To say that I'm a mess is an understatement. I'm watching my life fall apart in front of me and can't do anything about it because I'm falling apart too. I have been doing everything I can to stay afloat but it isn't working anymore - I take one step forward and end up taking three back. I can feel ED trying to take over again and I just don't have the energy anymore to fight back. I can't do this anymore - I want to disappear, but that costs money which I don't have :/