Today I went to the post office to find a surprise from a dear friend of mine who is doing her internship in Alberta. It was a package containing some of my favorite sweet treats and an amazing card with some awesome inspirational quotes and sayings printed out for me. She knows about the struggles I've been having and took it upon herself to send me this uplifting package. As well, just yesterday a friend of more than 10 years texted me and caught up with me. We talked about life and Pentatonix and it was a great distraction from life. A friend of mine has offered to study with me so that when I feel overwhelmed I can talk to her right there and then when I need it. I can not express in words how much these things mean to me.
The last few months had been awful day after awful day (as per usual) in which I had spent faking a smile and going through the motions of every day hoping to get it over with. Today I had plans of going home and making myself a drink and miserating in my room alone while attempting to make a dent in my mountain of school work that isn't doing itself. I have been struggling with my eating disorder quite a lot lately. The feeling of worthlessness and insignificance keeps hindering in the back of my mind. I have been really uncomfortable in my body and hating every inch of it. I know that I need to eat to fuel and I've done a pretty good job of keeping ED at bay by telling myself that I need the nutrients to do everything I have to do, but it's getting harder and harder.
Seeing that my friend took the time to make me those pictures and card and treats and send it to me reminds me that there are people that care about me. Just because one asshole threw me out doesn't make me any less of a person and certainly doesn't define my worth - if it did, he wouldn't have been the only one to do so. Knowing that my friend cared enough to send me a text showed me that people are thinking of me and that people do care about me. I am not a fucking jack-o-lantern, I am a human being who should not be carving her leg. I deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. The fact that things didn't work out with that asshole is no reflection on me and I have nothing to be sorry for. This term may be the term from hell - the worst one of my university career so far, but I need to keep going. I can't give up, I've worked too hard to get this far and I won't just give up.
I will be discouraged, and I will want to give up - fuck knows I already have felt these things. I won't let these things get in the way though. This has been by far my greatest challenge since my eating disorder. It has been probably the next hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I have to keep going. If ED can't keep me down then god damnit, a hellish year isn't going to either
There will be days this resolve will break. Hell, it's a pretty shaky one right now if I'm being completely honest, but I know that thinking about it will help me get through this. Knowing that I have people who care about me will help me keep this resolve and keep move forward. I may not have the energy anymore to come back swingin' or make a dramatic bounce back but I can crawl to the finish line, knowing that I'm not alone. I don't have to go through this by myself. For now if that's all I can muster I know that my amazing friends will help me out with the rest and that means the world :')
If you know someone with some or all of my struggles or even someone who is just going through a hard time, take a minute to reach out to them. Just because they haven't contacted you doesn't mean they don't want to hear from you, it might just mean they don't have the strength in them to ask for help. Maybe they're so busy with life that asking for help is the last thing on their mind. Maybe they're so down on themselves they don't think they deserve it. Your effort could be enough to turn their day around. You won't fix them, but you could give them the strength they need to start fixing themselves.
It means the world. Really, it does <3
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