Still Fucking Tired

Ugh, nothing has gotten better. At all.


I am taking five courses and three labs that are literally going to determine the course of my life for the next few years at least. I need a certain average to get into the nutrition major and can't fail a single course in part because it would bring my average below what is required, but also because they are pre-reqs for other courses I need to take in the two years after this. I fail a course, I don't keep going. End of the line. All that work for nothing. I don't have the money to spend a year catching up. Here's the kicker - I am pretty sure I am failing or close to it in most of these classes. Like no exaggeration - and it's scaring the hell out of me.


I had the option of dropping stats which is my lowest mark so far and take it online over the summer. UUMM, OK!! the last online courses this summer went great! Sign me up!! *rolls eyes*. Naturally I need to take this in class as I was not made to be able to do online courses successfully; so I stayed in the class (the last day to drop it without getting a failing mark was Friday) but now the pressure's on - and I'm already breaking under the pressure.


On top of all that I keep thinking of the dick head I met before and it's not helping. Part of the issues I was having with ED was the feeling of worthlessness; that no one cared about me or that I was just a nuisance to everyone. That I didn't matter, and didn't deserve to exist. Now having someone prove that I don't matter is only making it harder to combat those thoughts. I can think all I want about other factors, ect. like I was taught in therapy, but even when we were "together" he made it painfully clear that he didn't care. If it was that god damn easy for him to be like that to me, he can't be the only problem. Now, how much of that is me and how much of that is ED thinking that, I don't even know anymore, and I'm exhausted from trying to figure it out. The fact is, that someone was fine with throwing me out like a piece of trash and it's been telling me a lot about my own worth.


I spent most of the weekend like most ordinary days now - crying in my room. On my way home from the gym today I thought I was having a pretty good day, so I got a bag of M&M's to have my own mini (belated) Halloween snack while I study (as I couldn't on the weekend because I was crying..). I started thinking about him on my way home and got upset and didn't want the candy anymore. Not long after I thought "fuck that prick, I want my damn candy" and ate the M&M's. As soon as I finished them, he came back into my head along with all of the school and financial stress that I have and ED came back like a god damn hurricane
"Hey fat ass, did you miss me?" "Did you actually think you could exist without me??" "M&M's? Really?" "You are why he left you. Sorry to break it to you" "You are going to fail. Have fun proving everyone right that said you couldn't do it - plus, falling on your face won't be so bad, it's ugly anyway - and then it would fix your overbite! Hahaha!!"
I went to curl up in a ball to cry when I noticed my legs and tummy and heard "We definitely  have to fix those" "Please don't wear workout pants until we fix it - you look disgusting." "How do you even fit in those? I'm surprised they haven't ripped right open"


To say that I'm a mess is an understatement. I'm watching my life fall apart in front of me and can't do anything about it because I'm falling apart too. I have been doing everything I can to stay afloat but it isn't working anymore - I take one step forward and end up taking three back. I can feel ED trying to take over again and I just don't have the energy anymore to fight back. I can't do this anymore - I want to disappear, but that costs money which I don't have :/