The Socialite

This week has been quite social. It's a big deal in a lot of ways because I'm not naturally a social person. Like, at all. The thought of being around people makes my stomach jump into my throat, and I start sweating like a pig. I am the most socially awkward person you have ever met in you life, and I am so uncomfortable around people it is almost sad.


Even before I started struggling with my disorder I wasn't a social butterfly by any means. I have always been awkward, never knowing what to say or do in social situations. When people talk to me, my face has been known to go beet red and I have a hard time carrying out conversation. I start to sweat, my hands shake and I feel sick to my stomach. If I looked up, I'm pretty sure you could crack an egg on my forehead and make fried eggs on my face because my body temperature spikes. A lot of people end up dismissing me as weird or annoying and anything in between, and end up leaving to talk to someone else who doesn't make them uncomfortable to be around.


When I started struggling with my disorder, it got even worse. Since food is such a huge part of our culture, any social interaction would involve being around or consuming food. For anyone struggling with an eating disorder, this is a nightmare come true. I would cry before family gatherings asking my parents not to take me, to just go without me. Then when we got home again I would be traumatized and would end up crying even more. Being around people with food is problematic for a number of reasons;

• When you are afraid of gaining weight and therefore fear any food that could "ruin" all of your hard work (the starvation to lose the weight that you have so far), being in a room full of it is horrifying. Sometimes I would want to eat so badly because I was so hungry, but ED would be screaming in my ear that I wasn't allowed, that I wasn't being very good for even wanting the food and that I didn't deserve it anyway.
• And heaven forbid someone notice that you aren't eating anything; or notice you at all for that matter. "You look so skinny! eat something already!" "There's almost nothing on your plate!" "Here, have a brownie" are just a few of the billions of horrible things you could hear when you want to leave for fear of being noticed and/or talked to. Even if the attention you get is positive, it can still be a nightmare. I hated getting compliments because I always convinced myself that person was just trying to make me feel better about myself. You know when your friend wears a horrible looking shirt, and you tell them it looks good to spare their feelings? You feel like that friend ALL THE TIME! For instance, "Your hair looks nice today" is followed by ED saying "they're just being nice, you're actually really ugly; you and I both know that"
• Even when people do know that you have an eating disorder, you can feel them staring at you and looking at your plate to see portion sizes. At least, that's how you feel. Chances are they aren't paying that much attention, it just feels like it.
• Add that to the mix of already ED riddled thoughts and you have a REALLY bad day in the making. "You are just being a pain to everyone" "don't eat that or you'll have to exercise it all off tomorrow!" "They're trying not to tell you that you should lose some more weight because they don't want to hurt your feelings" "No one even wants you here anyway" "You're disgusting for even wanting to eat this food fat ass!". The list goes on and on, but that's a sample.
• When people offer you food and you say no, it can sometimes be taken really personally (again, a cultural thing). Feeling obligated to kindly accept is normal, but then so is the panic of thinking "OH MY GOD DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST EAT THAT?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!" It's a hard decision to make; do you hurt that persons feelings or put yourself through a shit-storm of ED thoughts?

It is really frustrating, because I often shy away from people and social situations just because I'm afraid of making a complete ass of myself. Other times I'm scared to trust someone or make friends with them in case they're assholes. What if they judge me because of my disorder? what if they judge me because I'm just weird? I miss out on a lot of friendships with really cool people because I'm afraid. For one reason or another, I'm afraid of letting them in; or being around them for that matter.


That is changing, and I couldn't be happier (or more afraid)


I have been working with my counsellor to try and overcome this social anxiety for a while now. Like overcoming an eating disorder, you have to expose yourself to the things that scare you no matter how scary it is. And this is terrifying. Like holy shit.


I went out a bunch of times with both old and new friends and had a blast each time! I'm trying to expand my friends circle and meet new people, and am having some success so far. One of said events even involved going out for dinner to celebrate a friends birthday. This group of friends are new friends, so it was especially terrifying. Imagine it - being around people I don't know that well and aren't yet that comfortable with EATING FOOD! Of course I could hear ED before and during this fabulous occasion, but I just focused on the people I was with and the fun I was having with them. The next morning was a bitch because I didn't have anyone to turn my attention to. I woke up and got to hear everything ED had to say to me, and he wasn't happy. It was definitely not a good morning and there were a lot of tears. Again, I just focused on the awesome time that I had and worked on some of my therapy exercises. Eventually it took the edge off and I was able to start my day.


The very next night I went to an old friends house that I hadn't seen in forever. We were going to get together and exchange Christmas gifts before, but life kinda got in the way, so we decided it was now or never. It was so great to see them again, and I got to meet even more awesome people! Of course there was food, but after the morning I had I wasn't feeling too adventurous. I just politely said that I had just had a huge supper and was full. The night went on and I had a wonderful time with wonderful people. I was uncomfortable, but that's to be expected. I just kept thinking that if everyone were that uncomfortable or didn't want me there that much, they would just leave or ask me to leave, and they didn't so yay!


That was just in one weekend. The rest of this term is going to be very busy and very social and I'm scared shitless. It's good because I need the exposure, but it's terrifying at the same time. Only time will tell how it's going to go and I will keep you updated :)


Taking life into my own hands again is so wonderful and empowering. I never thought I would be able to do it, but here I am! If I can do it, so can anyone else. Recovery is possible.


Sorry this was a frikin novel btw.... my bad....


That's all for now though, don't worry
See ya!


Stephanie

Excercise

This has been a very dangerous thing for me in the past. I used to exercise for hours and hours until I felt like I was going to pass out.. and sometimes I would pass out...


When I exercised sometimes it would be a desperate attempt to "reverse" the "damage" I had done to my body after eating a few too many calories. Sometimes it was just because I felt that I deserved the pain of over exercising. Feeling every muscle in my body scream bloody murder, while my lungs were ready to explode was like ED punishing me simply for being me, and I loved it because I felt like I deserved it.


No more.


I am naturally the laziest person you have ever met in your life. I would rather sit and watch a movie than go for a run (with the exception of yoga every morning... god I love yoga). Or that's what I thought...


I have a love hate relationship with exercise. I would love it because it made me lose weight, but I hated it because I felt like I was dying during and after a workout. I  was afraid of it when I started recovery because it brought back memories, and I was afraid that I would get the same ideas in my head as I did before.


I recently started going to the gym with a good friend of mine. She knows my previous relationship with exercise and is aware of my ED. In fact, she's been very helpful to me when I need support and advise. I don't know what I would do without her!


Anyway, so we started going to the gym, with the intention of going twice a week. We've only started this week, but I'm actually very excited!


I want to build a healthy relationship with exercise. I want to be strong and fit and healthy. That's all I want; to be HEALTHY. If I'm not the size I want to be that's fine, as long as I'm healthy and strong.
I wanted to try exercising again for a while, but given my history I was afraid to, so when my friend mentioned wanting to start going to the gym I thought it would be good to go together. As it turns out, working out is so much fun!!! I had an awesome time!


I'm not going so that I can lose weight, I'm not going to work off calories. I'm not going so that I can torture  my body and I'm not going to look skinnier. I'm going because I get to hang out with my awesome friend, I'm going because I want to be strong and healthy. Simple as that.


I won't lie, I definitely had ED talking to me for a lot of the time there, and I definitely had a lot of distorted thoughts, but I just kept reminding myself why I was there. I just kept thinking to myself "healthy, fit, strong, happy" because those are my goals.


Looking at the gym and remembering what it was like to be there while I was sick was definitely a strange experience. I remembered being frail and feeling like I had to be there. Now I am healthy and happy and there with someone and actually having fun!


Think about it;

• I'm doing something fun for myself
• I'm with someone doing something social
• I'm well fed and well fueled, exercising with every intention of having an awesome supper after (and I did.. stirfry. It was AWESOME)

If that isn't a big ol' "fuck you" to ED I don't know what is!


It was such a liberating experience, I can't wait to do it again! :D


That's all I got for now...
I had a lot more in mind, but it would be a frikin novel, so I will split my thoughts up and get back to it at a later date. There might even be another blog about exercising... I dunno :)


Till then, see ya!

Getting Back on Track

So as I said in a previous post, getting back on track is hard work. I slipped pretty deep back into old habits, so it's no surprise that it's a bit of a pain in the ass to correct. I'm like re-re-feeding. It's kind of like re-feeding but not as intense and painful as it was the first time. That's not an actual term btw, it's just the best word I could come up with to describe my situation.


Since I am low on nutrients and it's starting to take a toll on me, I have to start eating again. However, it isn't like re-feeding because it hasn't been long enough since these habits started that my stomach has shrunk. In that sense it isn't as physically painful as re-feeding was the first time. It is taking a toll psychologically though.




When I look at all of the food that I have to start eating again, ED starts to get really loud. I can hear him screaming in my ear; "are you actually going to eat all of that??" "It's not like a fat ass like you needs all that food anyway!" "You have more control than this, why are you doing this to your body?" all day every day.
I can't keep giving in to these thoughts. The commentary eventually dulls as it has before, but man is it annoying.


Even while I'm eating I can hear "you know, that orange has a lot of calories, maybe try water? it doesn't have any! you can't go wrong!" or "that yogurt could add a lot to your ass after a while, the calories really add up! try a diet pop." all day every day.


Then after I eat, I get to hear things like "now look what you did! have fun squeezing your fat ass into those cute shorts you saw at the mall!" or "you are such a pig, how did you allow all of that food into your body??" and sometimes "you need to drag your fat ass to the gym to try and reverse some of the damage you've done!" all day every day.




These thoughts are very tempting to listen to because I did for so long. I'm so used to it that telling myself otherwise can be really hard. Especially since they are so loud and I can't just tune it out. I can't just find some magical "fix it" button like the Staples button. Though that would be really nice and muchly appreciated...


I'm back to square one with recovery. Well not square one necessarily, but I have a lot of work to catch up to where I was. This means writing more in my journal, doing more self care, and taking time to relax. These are things that I had put aside until quite recently, and shouldn't have. Recovery doesn't get a day off; you have to work at it a bit every day. Even if it's only for a little bit, it has to be done. This blog will also be a good outlet for me, at least that's the hope!


It's hard to understand for some people why relapses happen, or even why eating disorders happen in the first place. A lot of people don't understand the struggles people with eating disorders face. I'm hoping that throughout my blog I can help give some insight as to what it feels like to have an eating disorder.


Anyway, that's my piece for today


Have a lovely day!


Stephanie

Fixing My Brain

.... So this has proven to be very difficult over the past couple of years. Obviously.


The last few weeks have been a nightmare. To say that I've been struggling would be an understatement. I kinda had some oops's... ok, a lot of oops's.


With the stresses of school and my living situation I definitely wasn't on my best behaviour regarding recovery and eating habits. I had been having horrible body image days, and hadn't been able to forgive myself for the "damage" (aka extra weight) that I've done to my body since recovery. I look in the mirror some days and just cry. How could I let this happen? How could I have let my self go to this extent?
Or that's what my distorted and disordered mind thinks, aka ED.


I couldn't help but start to count calories again, thinking "if I just lose the weight that I've gained and start over. If I just started from scratch and exercise during recovery again, then maybe the weight gain won't be so bad." I know full well that won't happen. I will go too far and end up sick again. ED will take over again as he has so many times before; as he started to recently.


I had slipped into old habits again, but that stops now. This week is the winter break at my school, and it's dedicated to recovery and self-care; something that I had completely put on the back burner until now. I will NOT let ED back into my life.


Getting back on track is going to be tough work, but it's going to happen come hell or high waters. I did not put this much effort into recovery and school to give up now; I've come too far.


I will prob be posting some time again soon, as I will have some time during the break. Until then, see you later! :)


Steph

Intro

Hi :)


So my name is Stephanie, and I'm recovering from an eating disorder that I've struggled with for a while now. I started to have body image issues in high school, and it has followed me ever since then. When I started university I was in big trouble, that's when it got out of control. I was in pretty rough shape for a while, and I decided to start recovery two summers ago. I relapsed last September-ish, and went home last January to start recovery all over again.


Recovery has been the biggest pain in the ass but most rewarding experience all at once. Nothing has made me feel more helpless and empowered at the same time; afraid and unsure while bound and determined.


I figured this blog would be a good place to share different experiences of recovery, and of life in general. I know I've already been recovering for a while now and a lot of the traumatizing stuff is behind me, but I can always reflect (and I will). It took so long to get the courage to do this, and writing now I have some anxiety, but it's something that I really want to do.


A blogger that I've been following (like reading her blog updates regularly....not like stalking, that would be weird...) has really inspired me to do this. She started a recovery blog, and her story is inspiring. I would always look forward to her blog posts because I could relate to a lot of them, and they gave me hope. Recently she spoke at the NEDA conference for National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, and it inspired me to start a blog of my own. I want to do workshops and public speaking and help people feel better about themselves. I had no idea where to start, but I thought this might be a good place...
So here goes nothing!


I don't know how often I will be doing updates or anything, but I will try whenever I can. I think I am going to do a blog on like recovery and of regular life stuff too... or make a separate blog about regular stuff... I'm really  not sure. I'll see how it goes :)


Bye for now,


Stephanie