.... So this has proven to be very difficult over the past couple of years. Obviously.
The last few weeks have been a nightmare. To say that I've been struggling would be an understatement. I kinda had some oops's... ok, a lot of oops's.
With the stresses of school and my living situation I definitely wasn't on my best behaviour regarding recovery and eating habits. I had been having horrible body image days, and hadn't been able to forgive myself for the "damage" (aka extra weight) that I've done to my body since recovery. I look in the mirror some days and just cry. How could I let this happen? How could I have let my self go to this extent?
Or that's what my distorted and disordered mind thinks, aka ED.
I couldn't help but start to count calories again, thinking "if I just lose the weight that I've gained and start over. If I just started from scratch and exercise during recovery again, then maybe the weight gain won't be so bad." I know full well that won't happen. I will go too far and end up sick again. ED will take over again as he has so many times before; as he started to recently.
I had slipped into old habits again, but that stops now. This week is the winter break at my school, and it's dedicated to recovery and self-care; something that I had completely put on the back burner until now. I will NOT let ED back into my life.
Getting back on track is going to be tough work, but it's going to happen come hell or high waters. I did not put this much effort into recovery and school to give up now; I've come too far.
I will prob be posting some time again soon, as I will have some time during the break. Until then, see you later! :)
Steph
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