Excercise

This has been a very dangerous thing for me in the past. I used to exercise for hours and hours until I felt like I was going to pass out.. and sometimes I would pass out...


When I exercised sometimes it would be a desperate attempt to "reverse" the "damage" I had done to my body after eating a few too many calories. Sometimes it was just because I felt that I deserved the pain of over exercising. Feeling every muscle in my body scream bloody murder, while my lungs were ready to explode was like ED punishing me simply for being me, and I loved it because I felt like I deserved it.


No more.


I am naturally the laziest person you have ever met in your life. I would rather sit and watch a movie than go for a run (with the exception of yoga every morning... god I love yoga). Or that's what I thought...


I have a love hate relationship with exercise. I would love it because it made me lose weight, but I hated it because I felt like I was dying during and after a workout. I  was afraid of it when I started recovery because it brought back memories, and I was afraid that I would get the same ideas in my head as I did before.


I recently started going to the gym with a good friend of mine. She knows my previous relationship with exercise and is aware of my ED. In fact, she's been very helpful to me when I need support and advise. I don't know what I would do without her!


Anyway, so we started going to the gym, with the intention of going twice a week. We've only started this week, but I'm actually very excited!


I want to build a healthy relationship with exercise. I want to be strong and fit and healthy. That's all I want; to be HEALTHY. If I'm not the size I want to be that's fine, as long as I'm healthy and strong.
I wanted to try exercising again for a while, but given my history I was afraid to, so when my friend mentioned wanting to start going to the gym I thought it would be good to go together. As it turns out, working out is so much fun!!! I had an awesome time!


I'm not going so that I can lose weight, I'm not going to work off calories. I'm not going so that I can torture  my body and I'm not going to look skinnier. I'm going because I get to hang out with my awesome friend, I'm going because I want to be strong and healthy. Simple as that.


I won't lie, I definitely had ED talking to me for a lot of the time there, and I definitely had a lot of distorted thoughts, but I just kept reminding myself why I was there. I just kept thinking to myself "healthy, fit, strong, happy" because those are my goals.


Looking at the gym and remembering what it was like to be there while I was sick was definitely a strange experience. I remembered being frail and feeling like I had to be there. Now I am healthy and happy and there with someone and actually having fun!


Think about it;

• I'm doing something fun for myself
• I'm with someone doing something social
• I'm well fed and well fueled, exercising with every intention of having an awesome supper after (and I did.. stirfry. It was AWESOME)

If that isn't a big ol' "fuck you" to ED I don't know what is!


It was such a liberating experience, I can't wait to do it again! :D


That's all I got for now...
I had a lot more in mind, but it would be a frikin novel, so I will split my thoughts up and get back to it at a later date. There might even be another blog about exercising... I dunno :)


Till then, see ya!