Getting Back on Track

So as I said in a previous post, getting back on track is hard work. I slipped pretty deep back into old habits, so it's no surprise that it's a bit of a pain in the ass to correct. I'm like re-re-feeding. It's kind of like re-feeding but not as intense and painful as it was the first time. That's not an actual term btw, it's just the best word I could come up with to describe my situation.


Since I am low on nutrients and it's starting to take a toll on me, I have to start eating again. However, it isn't like re-feeding because it hasn't been long enough since these habits started that my stomach has shrunk. In that sense it isn't as physically painful as re-feeding was the first time. It is taking a toll psychologically though.




When I look at all of the food that I have to start eating again, ED starts to get really loud. I can hear him screaming in my ear; "are you actually going to eat all of that??" "It's not like a fat ass like you needs all that food anyway!" "You have more control than this, why are you doing this to your body?" all day every day.
I can't keep giving in to these thoughts. The commentary eventually dulls as it has before, but man is it annoying.


Even while I'm eating I can hear "you know, that orange has a lot of calories, maybe try water? it doesn't have any! you can't go wrong!" or "that yogurt could add a lot to your ass after a while, the calories really add up! try a diet pop." all day every day.


Then after I eat, I get to hear things like "now look what you did! have fun squeezing your fat ass into those cute shorts you saw at the mall!" or "you are such a pig, how did you allow all of that food into your body??" and sometimes "you need to drag your fat ass to the gym to try and reverse some of the damage you've done!" all day every day.




These thoughts are very tempting to listen to because I did for so long. I'm so used to it that telling myself otherwise can be really hard. Especially since they are so loud and I can't just tune it out. I can't just find some magical "fix it" button like the Staples button. Though that would be really nice and muchly appreciated...


I'm back to square one with recovery. Well not square one necessarily, but I have a lot of work to catch up to where I was. This means writing more in my journal, doing more self care, and taking time to relax. These are things that I had put aside until quite recently, and shouldn't have. Recovery doesn't get a day off; you have to work at it a bit every day. Even if it's only for a little bit, it has to be done. This blog will also be a good outlet for me, at least that's the hope!


It's hard to understand for some people why relapses happen, or even why eating disorders happen in the first place. A lot of people don't understand the struggles people with eating disorders face. I'm hoping that throughout my blog I can help give some insight as to what it feels like to have an eating disorder.


Anyway, that's my piece for today


Have a lovely day!


Stephanie