It's weird how I couldn't go more than an hour without thinking some sort of distorted thought. I remember when my whole life was ED. Every 10-20 minutes would be a thought about how worthless I was - that or obsessing over some food I knew ED would never let me eat. Anything and everything would trigger ED's voice in one form or another. Whether it was how awful I looked that day or how much better that girl looked than me. How much I ate that day and how much it showed or how little I should eat tomorrow to balance it out. How stupid I was or how much happier society would be without me - or if they would even notice.
The last couple of months have been great. I couldn't have imagined being able to go 10 minutes without hearing ED let alone the hours at a time I can now. I still have many insecurities but I'm working through them. I still have fear foods but the list has grown much smaller than I ever thought it would be. I still have triggers but I know how to cope with them. I still have bad days but they're fewer and farther in between than they ever have been. I can honestly say that I am proud of how far I've come. I can honestly say that I am proud of myself! It didn't even feel weird to type!!
Recovery is possible. Anyone who wants it bad enough can get to a place where they are finally happy. Where they are ALIVE. I never thought it was possible and I sure as hell never thought I'd be talking about it, but I am. I ate a HUGE slice of chocolate chip pumpkin bread and feel absolutely no shame. Zero shits are given on this day.
I am winning. Plain and simple. I have no room for ED in my life and he knows that. I am taking my life back because he wouldn't give it back to me. Because he was more than happy to take it away from me - literally and figuratively. If I can do it, so can anyone else if they work hard enough. Please don't give up. I know it's hard; believe me, recovery has been BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life but it's worth it. More importantly, so are you.
Please don't give up. Recovery is possible and I know you can do it!
