I caught a cold :(
I have no energy to do anything at all. This is the most productive thing I've done all day. On the plus side, it's reading week so this cold couldn't have had better timing!
On the other hand - there is never a good time when ED is involved. Lately he is loving this - more amo!!!
"You haven't gone to the gym in how long?!?!" "Sure, keep eating because it will help fight the cold - or keep telling yourself that fatass..." "You can't even do work right now - you are so worthless! How hard is it to do some homework?? Or practice??" "Lazy piece of shit!"
It certainly doesn't help me feel any better...
I've been struggling with deciding on a career. I don't think I'm cut out for what I'm currently majoring in, but I'm not sure about what I thought I wanted to instead. I have been thinking about nutrition - but I don't know if that's just ED wanting to stick around or if it's what I really want to do. Will it be fulfilling and worth wile? Will it be worth the stress I'm feeling now? Will I like it? Will I have the money to tack on a few extra years of university?
UGH there are too many things to consider and stress about. I honestly am convinced that's how I got sick. I was losing sleep and not eating well because I was so busy with school and worrying. These combined was the perfect recipe for a cold.
The worst think is that I don't have the energy to cook healthy meals - but that's what my body needs right now! All I want to do is sleep all day long, but I need to be nourishing my body. Queue ED:
"No, this is great!! Just go with it and stay in bed!!" "You don't have the energy to stuff your face - that's a blessing, not a bad thing!!" "Take this opportunity to lose some of the weight you've managed to pack on!!" "If you aren't going to the gym, you definitely don't need to be eating!!"
Someone came to my school the other day and did a presentation about different kinds of patients she works with in music therapy - one of them was trauma patients. I've never dealt with a trauma, but the idea of getting in touch with yourself resonated with me. This is a clear indication that I've been so busy worrying about school that I have neglected this for some time. Listening to her talk about how these patients opened up about how they are feeling through pictures really puled some heart strings.
I think I might do this. I plan on illustrating what an eating disorder is like - or at least attempting to. The finished product will be posted at some point. I'm not sure when that will be, but at some point.
Tuesday, 28 October 2014
Thursday, 9 October 2014
Compliments
How do you receive a compliment that you don't think is true or sincere? How do you say "thank you" to a compliment you think was only made to spare your feelings or hide the truth?
I have been faced with this dilemma for years. Most days I can't stand at least a few things about myself - and that consequently gets blown up into many things. So when, for example, I hear "your hair looks nice" I automatically think "oh no! is the hairspray wearing off? is it falling out of the ponytail?" ect... you get the picture..
I generally smile and say "thank you!" or if it's someone I am very comfortable with I can get goofy and say "d'aw shucks! you're so sweet!!" in the weirdest voice I can think of. Don't ask why, I think it's a security thing. And an excuse to act like a total idiot.
I go to parties where someone will tell me I look nice and then see the pictures the next day and wonder if they weren't telling the truth. Maybe the lighting was off or it was later in the night when my makeup was wearing off, but there is always something that I don't like about myself that stands out to me in that picture. Then I wonder how obvious it is to other people - which then brings me to wonder whether or not the compliment was sincere or simply to spare my feelings.
I am getting better at accepting compliments and believing they are genuine. I remember there was a time that any compliment was a clear sign that that particular person was looking out for my feelings. Every. Single. One.
Now I am getting better at seeing them for what they are - compliments.
Lately I haven't been doing too well with this, but I am really trying. I keep doing my therapy exercises and going over the facts in my head - the real facts, not the ones that ED tells me.
That's the trick - figuring out the difference between ED and reality. I'm getting the hang of it, but even after three years I still have trouble with it sometimes
I have been faced with this dilemma for years. Most days I can't stand at least a few things about myself - and that consequently gets blown up into many things. So when, for example, I hear "your hair looks nice" I automatically think "oh no! is the hairspray wearing off? is it falling out of the ponytail?" ect... you get the picture..
I generally smile and say "thank you!" or if it's someone I am very comfortable with I can get goofy and say "d'aw shucks! you're so sweet!!" in the weirdest voice I can think of. Don't ask why, I think it's a security thing. And an excuse to act like a total idiot.
I go to parties where someone will tell me I look nice and then see the pictures the next day and wonder if they weren't telling the truth. Maybe the lighting was off or it was later in the night when my makeup was wearing off, but there is always something that I don't like about myself that stands out to me in that picture. Then I wonder how obvious it is to other people - which then brings me to wonder whether or not the compliment was sincere or simply to spare my feelings.
I am getting better at accepting compliments and believing they are genuine. I remember there was a time that any compliment was a clear sign that that particular person was looking out for my feelings. Every. Single. One.
Now I am getting better at seeing them for what they are - compliments.
Lately I haven't been doing too well with this, but I am really trying. I keep doing my therapy exercises and going over the facts in my head - the real facts, not the ones that ED tells me.
That's the trick - figuring out the difference between ED and reality. I'm getting the hang of it, but even after three years I still have trouble with it sometimes
Wednesday, 1 October 2014
The Novel
Well I wasn't lying. I haven't posted in quite some time, so there is a novel ahead.
I'm sitting in my room at school reflecting on the summer that has passed. I have made leaps and bounds in my recovery and I couldn't be more excited! The summer was filled with all kinds of adventures and triumphs.
The wedding;
I attended a wedding in the last part of August. This was my cousins wedding that was ever so exciting. I wore a dress that was strapless which was a cause of much angst and worry for quite a while. When I saw it in the store I fell in love with it. I wanted to try it on, and as soon as I did I looked in the mirror I heard "Oh my god look at that arm fat!!!" "Have fun hiding those man-shoulders in that!!" It was really hard to say yes to the dress after hearing all that, needless to say.
Alas, I ended up purchasing it. If I loved it before I put it on, there is no reason to not love it on me too. Picking a dress isn't about finding one that makes you look good - it's about finding something that you can relate to and showing everyone else. Style is like make-up; it's art that you get to wear!
Then came the dinner. This time a year ago I would've been mortified at the very thought of eating a pre-picked prepared meal that I had to eat in front of people. I no doubt would've cut out most, if not all, grain servings that day for fear that the caloric value of the dinner would be greater than my daily grains combined. I would've obsessed over weather or not the people at the table with me had noticed my portion sizes and weather or not they would comment on it. "Am I eating too much?? Not enough?? How much is just the right amount so that no one will notice my plate?? I just don't want anyone to say anything!!" I then would've obsessed over the fact that I ate the dinner at this certain time, so I hope that I could stay up and do enough activity so that my body could burn it all off. Maybe dance? Maybe just drink and forget about it. But wait!!! How many extra calories are in the alcohol I would be drinking!?!?!?!
Ugh, it's exhausting.
I'm proud to say that I didn't think any of those things when the time came. It was just about having fun and celebrating the bride and groom on their special night. I ate as much as I needed to keep energised and enjoy the evening with some amazing people. No more, no less. The thing was that if that's what my body needed, than that's what my body needed. If I needed more I would crave more - and I didn't, so my body was satisfied. Simple as that.
I'm sitting in my room at school reflecting on the summer that has passed. I have made leaps and bounds in my recovery and I couldn't be more excited! The summer was filled with all kinds of adventures and triumphs.
The wedding;
I attended a wedding in the last part of August. This was my cousins wedding that was ever so exciting. I wore a dress that was strapless which was a cause of much angst and worry for quite a while. When I saw it in the store I fell in love with it. I wanted to try it on, and as soon as I did I looked in the mirror I heard "Oh my god look at that arm fat!!!" "Have fun hiding those man-shoulders in that!!" It was really hard to say yes to the dress after hearing all that, needless to say.
Alas, I ended up purchasing it. If I loved it before I put it on, there is no reason to not love it on me too. Picking a dress isn't about finding one that makes you look good - it's about finding something that you can relate to and showing everyone else. Style is like make-up; it's art that you get to wear!
Then came the dinner. This time a year ago I would've been mortified at the very thought of eating a pre-picked prepared meal that I had to eat in front of people. I no doubt would've cut out most, if not all, grain servings that day for fear that the caloric value of the dinner would be greater than my daily grains combined. I would've obsessed over weather or not the people at the table with me had noticed my portion sizes and weather or not they would comment on it. "Am I eating too much?? Not enough?? How much is just the right amount so that no one will notice my plate?? I just don't want anyone to say anything!!" I then would've obsessed over the fact that I ate the dinner at this certain time, so I hope that I could stay up and do enough activity so that my body could burn it all off. Maybe dance? Maybe just drink and forget about it. But wait!!! How many extra calories are in the alcohol I would be drinking!?!?!?!
Ugh, it's exhausting.
I'm proud to say that I didn't think any of those things when the time came. It was just about having fun and celebrating the bride and groom on their special night. I ate as much as I needed to keep energised and enjoy the evening with some amazing people. No more, no less. The thing was that if that's what my body needed, than that's what my body needed. If I needed more I would crave more - and I didn't, so my body was satisfied. Simple as that.
 |
| pic from the wedding |
The food adventures
This has been a summer filled with MANY different adventures. I have eaten so many different fear foods that I never could've imagined I would and I'm incorporating them into my every day now! I am eating half of the stuff that I wouldn't even be in the same room as a year ago!! I have my lovely sisters and friends to thank for that. The support that I received was absolutely incredible - I honestly couldn't ask for a better support system.
I have become more assertive than I ever thought I could be. No more being a push-over for this girl!
I got my full drivers licence! I never could've done that with ED. When I was really effected by ED I couldn't focus on anything or even stay awake for very long, making me a danger on the road. I knew that I needed to be well nourished for my test to be able to fully pay attention and get pass my test - and I did!
Things look like they're finally turning around, and I think it's going to be a great year!
This didn't turn out to be as long as I had intended. I guess that's what happens when it takes you two months to write a post. Eventually (like right now) I get tired of constantly adding to it and thing - to hell with it - and post it. Oh well,
Till next time,
Steph
I have become more assertive than I ever thought I could be. No more being a push-over for this girl!
I got my full drivers licence! I never could've done that with ED. When I was really effected by ED I couldn't focus on anything or even stay awake for very long, making me a danger on the road. I knew that I needed to be well nourished for my test to be able to fully pay attention and get pass my test - and I did!
Things look like they're finally turning around, and I think it's going to be a great year!
This didn't turn out to be as long as I had intended. I guess that's what happens when it takes you two months to write a post. Eventually (like right now) I get tired of constantly adding to it and thing - to hell with it - and post it. Oh well,
Till next time,
Steph
He's Back...
So I figured that it was only a matter of time before ED came back. It's like he read my last post and got pissed off or something... I thought I had finally just about gotten rid of him for good, but he's back with a vengeance.
It is not as horrible as it has been before - I can still sort of function. Last weekend I had forgotten to plan out my week in advance, so it threw me off completely. When I don't have things planned, I get really anxious and on edge. This was the case this week. I have done what I can, but it is hard because it's not a nice feeling to have - and ED certainly isn't helping.
Lately I have looked in the mirror and heard "OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!". Sometimes when I'm walking I can hear "Do you feel that? That's your thunder thighs TOUCHING!!!!" Now when I go to eat a sweet treat I can hear "Are you sure you really need that????"
I've been feeling kind of down because of this combination of events. I'm trying to stay positive, but man it gets hard. Since I haven't been able to practice a lot lately (because I didn't book any practice rooms on time for this week) that's been giving ED a lot of amo as well; "You sound like shit! You don't belong here if you can't even practice your main instrument!"
It's like FUCK OFF!! seriously!!!! UGH I'm tired of this shit -_-
It is not as horrible as it has been before - I can still sort of function. Last weekend I had forgotten to plan out my week in advance, so it threw me off completely. When I don't have things planned, I get really anxious and on edge. This was the case this week. I have done what I can, but it is hard because it's not a nice feeling to have - and ED certainly isn't helping.
Lately I have looked in the mirror and heard "OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!". Sometimes when I'm walking I can hear "Do you feel that? That's your thunder thighs TOUCHING!!!!" Now when I go to eat a sweet treat I can hear "Are you sure you really need that????"
I've been feeling kind of down because of this combination of events. I'm trying to stay positive, but man it gets hard. Since I haven't been able to practice a lot lately (because I didn't book any practice rooms on time for this week) that's been giving ED a lot of amo as well; "You sound like shit! You don't belong here if you can't even practice your main instrument!"
It's like FUCK OFF!! seriously!!!! UGH I'm tired of this shit -_-
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