Uummmm, so fuck.
Things are going downhill fast. I am miserable. Like I could slap someone right now simply for having the nerve to exist and be totally fine with it. Everyone and everything bothers me. Everyone and everything stresses me out and overwhelms me. I feel like shutting down. Just throwing in the towel and saying "fuck it" and staying in bed for forever. I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone or accomplish anything.
This sucks. It fuckin sucks
On Thursday I tried to take a stand against ED. I was so hungry and tired because I hadn't eaten much in a couple of days and was up late doing homework. I went to the SUB to get some caffeine in the form of diet pepsi and while I was there I saw some pizza that made me practically drool. I thought "you know what? Fuck ED, I'm hungry and need food... and pizza is like the cheapest thing here.."
Walking up to the cash register was horrible. I was shaking and almost sweating. It was like walking the green mile. I could hear ED protesting the whole damn time. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?!?!?!?!?" "STOP!!!!!". When I got back to the music building ED had subsided enough to be able to hear my own thoughts. I ate the pizza and drank the pop and then all hell broke loose. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO?!?!?!" "HAVE FUN WEARING THAT ON YOUR ASS!!!" " YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT, OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD'VE EATEN - PIZZA??????!!!?!?!!?!?!?!".
ED hasn't been this invasive in so long. He still gets loud, but not like this anymore.... till now at least. It's hard to hear my own thoughts right now. I am struggling big time. I've been living off diet pop and crispy minis for the last while. I find when I want to have something like fruit or veggies because they're low in fat all I hear is "You don't deserve nutrients, you little fuck up". So I opt for something with no fat and little other nutritional content - hence the crispy minis.
The worst part is that in the back of my head I know that I need nutrients but every time I think about ED shoots it down immediately. I feel so lethargic and my head hurts all the time now. It's like a hangover that lasts forever only every time I think about fixing it I hear ED. Right now I prefer the "hangover" to ED. I just can't do it right now.
Saturday, 28 February 2015
Tuesday, 24 February 2015
Not Doin So Good
I just got back from a sweat-tastic workout at the gum with my good friend. I had been holding off on exercising as I was beginning to think of it the wrong way. I was thinking of it as a way to lose weight rather than a fun activity which is what it's supposed to be.
Lately I thought that I would give it a try again with my friend and see how it went. I had no issues. I went and had a good time hanging out with my friend and getting exercise. It was not to lose weight, simply to be healthy and have fun.
The odd part was when I came home and sat down in my room. It was like a title wave out of nowhere that caught me completely off guard. I have absolutely no desire to eat anything. In fact, the thought of it is giving me anxiety right now. I don't want anything, not even the smallest snack.
Along with this food anxiety I am just feeling blah. I don't seem to have the will or energy to study for a midterm on Friday, or do any other homework. I have a HUGE suitcase full of laundry that I brought back from the Laundromat that needs to be put away. Normally I would like it. I listen to music (in case you haven't figured out, music is a big deal for me..) and put away my laundry. It's calming; soothing and normally I quite enjoy it actually. I have no desire to do it at all. None.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry and I'm not entirely sure where it came from. It caught me completely off guard and I don't know what to do with this....
Lately I thought that I would give it a try again with my friend and see how it went. I had no issues. I went and had a good time hanging out with my friend and getting exercise. It was not to lose weight, simply to be healthy and have fun.
The odd part was when I came home and sat down in my room. It was like a title wave out of nowhere that caught me completely off guard. I have absolutely no desire to eat anything. In fact, the thought of it is giving me anxiety right now. I don't want anything, not even the smallest snack.
Along with this food anxiety I am just feeling blah. I don't seem to have the will or energy to study for a midterm on Friday, or do any other homework. I have a HUGE suitcase full of laundry that I brought back from the Laundromat that needs to be put away. Normally I would like it. I listen to music (in case you haven't figured out, music is a big deal for me..) and put away my laundry. It's calming; soothing and normally I quite enjoy it actually. I have no desire to do it at all. None.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry and I'm not entirely sure where it came from. It caught me completely off guard and I don't know what to do with this....
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
McDicks
So as I have mentioned in previous posts, recovery seems to be picking up pace significantly. This past weekend I went to a show in Halifax to see some local bands play with my friends Ryan, Paige, and Don. It was a great performance, and the bands did really well - they sounded great!
Right before we left I had a muffin for supper because I didn't have time to make something with nutritional value. This in itself was exciting as I am still getting used to muffins. We went to the concert and while we were there I got a text from an idiot boy that made me feel pretty crumby. I won't go into details about that or anything, but a REALLY long story cut really short - basically there was something there and then he texted me and said that he was seeing someone else instead. Out of nowhere. Like WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?!?!?!
Anyway, I was completely dumbfounded and didn't know how to feel. Do I feel stupid for getting excited and thinking something was going to happen with this guy? What made him choose someone else? Why was he just telling me this now?
For the rest of the concert I was feeling kind of down (for obvious reasons). Then I looked over at my friends and decided that I wanted to just have fun for the rest of the night; I wasn't going to let some stupid boy ruin my night with my wonderful friends. It was hard, but I tried my best to just have fun the rest of the night.
We all decided that we were really hungry and weren't going to make the hour car ride home on an empty stomach especially since some of them were moshing/head banging which takes up a lot of energy. I had also only had a muffin for supper and by the end of the show was uncomfortably hungry. We went to a McDonalds because it was easy and who doesn't love a big mac??
I go to school in a small town with no McDonalds so I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to challenge myself while it was there. I am not quite ready for big macs yet, and hadn't had McDonalds in probably almost three years. So I wanted to start slow. I couldn't deny that I really missed the fries there so I got some of those and some chicken nuggets (mmmm fake meat). This is when ED went to overdrive.
"It's 11:00pm, you just had a muffin for supper and you're adding this to it!??!" "There's no fucking way you can burn off all that fat and grease before you go to bed!!" "Have fun walking around with that on your ass, cow!!" ED's great. No really, it's like having some kind of growth that throbs all the time and can't be cured no matter how much disinfecting cream you pour onto it...
Anyway, I kind of figured that ED's voice would be loud after the earlier events. This was an exciting night though - I HAD MCDONALDS FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME IN THREE YEARS PEOPLE!!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!!! :D I knew that I wouldn't regret it forever and when ED subsided I would be able to see it for what it is - an accomplishment. I trusted my gut, logic and reasoning to fuel my hungry stomach for the treck back home.
The rest of the night and the next day were pretty rough though. I got to hear "You're boring, that's why he picked someone else." "It's not like it would've been a hard choice between you and ANYONE else you know. Let's be real here." Your friends left the concert early because you were moping about someone you didn't even have a chance with in the first place. You were bringing everybody down so they wanted to leave." .... you get the picture..
So I tackled these thoughts with some of the tools I learned in therapy and was able to at least dull ED. So far so good. Until this week when I didn't have time to go to the gym because of school work and was FURIOUS. This is a red flag - this is ED fighting back in a different way. When this happens I don't let myself go to the gym as it tends to be for the wrong reasons. I am right now refusing to go to the gym until I can see it for what it is supposed to be - a fun, HEALTHY stress reliever. Nothing more, it has NOTHING to do with losing weight. If I were to go now, I would be reinforcing that it is to lose weight which would make it WAY easier to fall back into eating disordered habits again. Therefore when I can think about exercise in a healthy way again I will go to the gym, and not a minute before.
It's hard though. I want so badly to "reverse" the "damage" I feel like I've done. God damn this sucks. It will take some hard work but it's gotta be done :/
Till next time
 |
| Don before the show :P |
Right before we left I had a muffin for supper because I didn't have time to make something with nutritional value. This in itself was exciting as I am still getting used to muffins. We went to the concert and while we were there I got a text from an idiot boy that made me feel pretty crumby. I won't go into details about that or anything, but a REALLY long story cut really short - basically there was something there and then he texted me and said that he was seeing someone else instead. Out of nowhere. Like WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?!?!?!
Anyway, I was completely dumbfounded and didn't know how to feel. Do I feel stupid for getting excited and thinking something was going to happen with this guy? What made him choose someone else? Why was he just telling me this now?
For the rest of the concert I was feeling kind of down (for obvious reasons). Then I looked over at my friends and decided that I wanted to just have fun for the rest of the night; I wasn't going to let some stupid boy ruin my night with my wonderful friends. It was hard, but I tried my best to just have fun the rest of the night.
We all decided that we were really hungry and weren't going to make the hour car ride home on an empty stomach especially since some of them were moshing/head banging which takes up a lot of energy. I had also only had a muffin for supper and by the end of the show was uncomfortably hungry. We went to a McDonalds because it was easy and who doesn't love a big mac??
I go to school in a small town with no McDonalds so I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to challenge myself while it was there. I am not quite ready for big macs yet, and hadn't had McDonalds in probably almost three years. So I wanted to start slow. I couldn't deny that I really missed the fries there so I got some of those and some chicken nuggets (mmmm fake meat). This is when ED went to overdrive.
"It's 11:00pm, you just had a muffin for supper and you're adding this to it!??!" "There's no fucking way you can burn off all that fat and grease before you go to bed!!" "Have fun walking around with that on your ass, cow!!" ED's great. No really, it's like having some kind of growth that throbs all the time and can't be cured no matter how much disinfecting cream you pour onto it...
Anyway, I kind of figured that ED's voice would be loud after the earlier events. This was an exciting night though - I HAD MCDONALDS FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME IN THREE YEARS PEOPLE!!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!!! :D I knew that I wouldn't regret it forever and when ED subsided I would be able to see it for what it is - an accomplishment. I trusted my gut, logic and reasoning to fuel my hungry stomach for the treck back home.
The rest of the night and the next day were pretty rough though. I got to hear "You're boring, that's why he picked someone else." "It's not like it would've been a hard choice between you and ANYONE else you know. Let's be real here." Your friends left the concert early because you were moping about someone you didn't even have a chance with in the first place. You were bringing everybody down so they wanted to leave." .... you get the picture..
So I tackled these thoughts with some of the tools I learned in therapy and was able to at least dull ED. So far so good. Until this week when I didn't have time to go to the gym because of school work and was FURIOUS. This is a red flag - this is ED fighting back in a different way. When this happens I don't let myself go to the gym as it tends to be for the wrong reasons. I am right now refusing to go to the gym until I can see it for what it is supposed to be - a fun, HEALTHY stress reliever. Nothing more, it has NOTHING to do with losing weight. If I were to go now, I would be reinforcing that it is to lose weight which would make it WAY easier to fall back into eating disordered habits again. Therefore when I can think about exercise in a healthy way again I will go to the gym, and not a minute before.
It's hard though. I want so badly to "reverse" the "damage" I feel like I've done. God damn this sucks. It will take some hard work but it's gotta be done :/
Till next time
Sunday, 1 February 2015
Chocolate Cake
I have conquered the seemingly impossible mountain that has been known as chocolate cake. This is a huge deal. Like HUGE.
I remember when I was very sick and it was the first summer home with my eating disorder; I had a nightmare that I was sitting beside a HUGE mountain of chocolate - chocolate cake, bars, pastries, etc. and I ate it ALL. At this time my body was in starvation mode. I was literally starving to death and when this happens your body has some strange ways of trying to protect itself. Not only does it take from fat deposits, muscle tissue, and bone marrow to survive but your menstrual cycle stops and you start noticing some very strange things that you think of as being just "weird" at the time. Heart palpitations, head rushes, passing out, shortage of breath, inability to stay asleep at night or awake during the day are some of the things that you would dismiss as being weird, but are actually very serious health concerns. On top of all of these things, your mind starts to play tricks on you. You become obsessed with food. I dreamed about food. I would read menus and grocery flyers to look at the food that I had no intention of eating, but couldn't get myself to stop. When I dreamed about the chocolate, needless to say I got up and weighed myself immediately and barely ate anything the next day.
I was beginning to warm up to chocolate. I would drink chocolate milk or hot chocolate and would occasionally have chocolate chip somethings. I had never made the jump to chocolate cake - it was one of my biggest fear foods. I didn't like being in the same room as chocolate because even the sight or smell made me anxious.
Anyhoo, it was Nicole's (roomie's) birthday and we gathered to celebrate. Our friends had bought her a chocolate cake and offered me a piece. Earlier that day I had been thinking about how I would handle it (as I always do when I know situations like this are coming in the near future) and decided that I would politely say no and continue to visit with my friends like normal like usual. When I got there however, I had a breakthrough.
I used the same mindset that I usually do, I just had to concentrate a bit harder. I am here to celebrate my friends birthday and have fun with my friends. What I eat is simply fuel, no more no less. This fuel is delicious and I wanted some, so I had a piece of cake! I figured, I've been on a roll the last little while eating pizza, muffins cookies etc., why stop there? Why slow down and lose steam? And so I ate the first piece of chocolate cake in over three years and it was delicious! My friends AJ, Ashley and Nicole were all ecstatic and had our own little party within a party. It was a triumphant day to say the least!!
I remember when I was very sick and it was the first summer home with my eating disorder; I had a nightmare that I was sitting beside a HUGE mountain of chocolate - chocolate cake, bars, pastries, etc. and I ate it ALL. At this time my body was in starvation mode. I was literally starving to death and when this happens your body has some strange ways of trying to protect itself. Not only does it take from fat deposits, muscle tissue, and bone marrow to survive but your menstrual cycle stops and you start noticing some very strange things that you think of as being just "weird" at the time. Heart palpitations, head rushes, passing out, shortage of breath, inability to stay asleep at night or awake during the day are some of the things that you would dismiss as being weird, but are actually very serious health concerns. On top of all of these things, your mind starts to play tricks on you. You become obsessed with food. I dreamed about food. I would read menus and grocery flyers to look at the food that I had no intention of eating, but couldn't get myself to stop. When I dreamed about the chocolate, needless to say I got up and weighed myself immediately and barely ate anything the next day.
I was beginning to warm up to chocolate. I would drink chocolate milk or hot chocolate and would occasionally have chocolate chip somethings. I had never made the jump to chocolate cake - it was one of my biggest fear foods. I didn't like being in the same room as chocolate because even the sight or smell made me anxious.
Last weekend was my roomies birthday and we all gathered at her apartment to celebrate. I call her roomie because she was my roomie in first year, but she's the best roomie I've ever had by far. She will always be my roomie even now when we don't live together anymore.
 |
| Me and the birthday girl |
Anyhoo, it was Nicole's (roomie's) birthday and we gathered to celebrate. Our friends had bought her a chocolate cake and offered me a piece. Earlier that day I had been thinking about how I would handle it (as I always do when I know situations like this are coming in the near future) and decided that I would politely say no and continue to visit with my friends like normal like usual. When I got there however, I had a breakthrough.
I used the same mindset that I usually do, I just had to concentrate a bit harder. I am here to celebrate my friends birthday and have fun with my friends. What I eat is simply fuel, no more no less. This fuel is delicious and I wanted some, so I had a piece of cake! I figured, I've been on a roll the last little while eating pizza, muffins cookies etc., why stop there? Why slow down and lose steam? And so I ate the first piece of chocolate cake in over three years and it was delicious! My friends AJ, Ashley and Nicole were all ecstatic and had our own little party within a party. It was a triumphant day to say the least!!
 |
| AJ, Nicole, Ashley and I |
I am so excited and scared at the same time. I can't wait to keep moving forward but it is also scary as hell. I've come this far though, I can definitely keep going!!
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