With A Little Help From My Friends

I get by with a little help from my friends. This is so true right now. I am stressed as all hell as this semester is coming to an end. To top things off I confronted my roommate yesterday morning and it did not go well - which is not helping my stress level.


In times like these it is helpful to have a friend to bring you back to reality. To bring you back to earth. I get very overwhelmed very easily, and I worry very easily. I have told a couple of my friends how my semester has been going - especially with recent events with my roommate and they have been so wonderful to me. I have gotten texts from both Megan and Stephanie asking how I am. It feels good to know that you have friends that care and are there for you.


Seeing those messages gives me the strength to stand up to ED when he sais "There's  nothing wrong with your roommate, she isn't the problem - the problem is you!!" "There is no way you can call yourself a music student when you suck so badly at it!" "This is an example of what all your friendships will end up like!! You don't deserve friends anyway!"


Seeing my friends take the time out of their day to ask me how I am doing and genuinely care about me; to go out with me on coffee dates when I feel like shit or when issues come up proves ED wrong. It gives me the strength to say FUCK OFF!! and have proof to back me up. Words can not describe how important this is to me.


When someone you know is in a state like the one I've been in on and off for the past few weeks (well, lets be honest - like three years...) sometimes something as simple as a "Hey how are you?" can mean so much more than just a simple "Hey how are you?". When you hear ED saying something like the things listed above all the time, this gives people like me something tangible to stand up to ED with. Something to prove that they aren't  worthless.


It doesn't always work - there have been days where he retorts with "They just feel bad for you"  and "If they had anything better to do with their time, they would be doing that instead of talking to you". And if that happens, be patient. This is key to handling someone like me - patience. I will post something that can elaborate more on this paragraph at another time because it is like a 12 part post. Seriously, there are so many do's and don'ts when dealing with people like me.


Today, however, ED hasn't fired back with anything because I have the strength to not let him. And it's all because of a couple of very dear friends.

Update

So sorry for the last post - I was not in a good place. I had a lot of stuff piling up, and all of the emotions that go with it was just a lot, so I shut down. This can happen, especially when your mind is a complete shit storm to begin with. I'm not sure if I've explained this before on this blog, but the shit storm goes something as follows;


I am already down and depressed, feeling like shit for whatever reason... usually my body, lets be real here. Anyway, so I'm already upset and then a stressor of some kind comes along. And then another one. And another one. This is especially bad when I'm at school, for obvious reasons. When this happens a storm begins (that's worse than the one already going on..). One thought after another goes through your head that's everything from "I have to get this and this and this done" to "How am I supposed to get it all done?!?" "This paper is horrible, I'm going to get an awful mark!" "OH MY GOD MY JURY IS NEXT WEEK!!!!". Now imagine how much amo this gives ED. Add that to the already ED riddles thoughts that I have on a day to day basis. Heck, let's add some anxiety to that and you have a complete shit storm going on inside your head.

The only reason I'm not writing all of these thoughts is that there are simply too many; which is what constitutes a shit storm in your head. There are so many awful thoughts going on at one time that you actually can't concentrate on one. If you ask me what is wrong while this is going on, chances are I would say "I don't know". It's not because I don't actually know what's wrong, it's that I don't know where to even start to say what is going on. Have you ever seen footage of a tornado or hurricane or inside a title wave? What about falling in water and getting completely disoriented? You can't just focus your attention on one thing because there's so much going on and it's a complete chaotic and disoriented mess.


This is what was happening during my last post. I had had one of those earlier and it had calmed down enough for me to type and post that. From there I began picking apart my head and seeing what I could work on. I had a huge help though, and her name is Megan


She saw this post and invited me to get a hot chocolate with her. This was like an anchor or something that stays still during this storm. Something I can orient myself with, which gives me a better chance at figuring out my brain. We had a lovely talk and I felt so much better. To be honest I don't know what was bugging me 100% but I could at least start chipping away at it after because I could step away from it, and see a smiling caring face lending a helping hand.


I spent part of today crying in the music lounge in my friends arms because the storm started again. I sat with two of my friends Mama (Lauren) and Stephanie for probably an hour-ish crying because I was so miserable. I have the greatest friends a person could ask for. I really do.


After I got home I realised that part of my stress was coming from my roommate. She is a sweet girl, but deals with stress by lashing out at anyone around her. Since we live together, that usually ends up being me. I am extremely sensitive to begin with, so I don't do well with this. Not to mention that I have stressors of my own. I used to be ok with it, and think that she is so much busier than me, so I shouldn't say anything. But the more that I think about it I realise that no one deserves to treated this way. That's not fair, regardless of who is busy and who isn't. So I am beginning to stand up for myself. It's hard, but this year living with her has caused me so much stress and I can't handle it anymore. Last night she went too far and I'm not going to be treated like that anymore.


On top of that my work load makes me cry silently to myself at night. So there's that.


The last couple of weeks I have been feeling absolutely horrible about my body. I can't stand it. I don't want to look in the mirror and I don't want to look down. I sit down and hear "WOW your legs have gotten wide!" "WHAT HAPPENED??!?!?!" and "How do your pants still fit??" When I walk I can feel the extra weight I've put on. I can't help but listen to ED sometimes.
I don't get a good mark and I get to hear "If you're going to be nasty, you could at least be smart!!" It has been overwhelming the past little while. I know I have to eat, but I don't want to just so I can dampen his voice, at least for a little while. Then I do eat and feel awful and get acid reflux on top of that "Go ahead, purge - you need it anyway, and the reflux will go away!"


It has been a huge struggle lately in every way. I don't want to do anything except curl in a ball and forget this semester happened in the first place.


I am starting to feel better though - starting with the help of my friends. I had a guitar lesson today and told my instructor everything. He always has a way of making me feel better and giving great advice. He said - and I need to start telling myself this- that I can only do what I can do. No more. I have to stop being so hard on myself because in the end, I did my best; and that's all I can do.


I have to keep saying that to myself. Eventually it will sink in. It gets easier because of all the wonderful people I have around me. My math teacher pulled me aside and asked me if I was ok as well. It feels good to know that someone cares. Even sometimes when you don't know why they possibly would (which is also something I have to learn to challenge..) the fact is that they do.

UGH

Not the best day today. I feel off in every way, shape, and form.


I've just been feeling down. I find myself loathing everyone and everything. I haven't felt this miserable in a while - and it was pretty nice to be honest. I got too used to it.


I feel awful about my body and it's taking everything I have in me to eat. I just keep telling myself that these term papers can't be written without proper nourishment. The scales and etude for my jury can't possibly be memorised and I can't learn course material for exams without properly nourishing my body. Maybe that's where part of the stress is coming from - all that I have to do. I fucking hate November. Too much to do before the end of the term, and usually this is when it begins to snow - and it has. I hate snow.


My neighbours are driving me insane. My room is basically in their apartment so I can hear one of those bitches stomping around all the time. If they're going to be up late - so am I because everything they do is amplified in my room. I am tired and miserable and want to curl up in a fucking ball and do nothing. Worse is I have to go home in a month. I hate it there. The only reason I want to go home is to see my sisters. I am pretty excited about that though.


I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I don't think I want to know. I'm tired of trying to figure it out and getting nowhere - or more confused if I manage to get anywhere. I would rather hide away somewhere and forget that this shit show circus of a world exists. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I'm sick of this shit. Over it. Beyond done.


Fuck this.
Sorry for the woe is me, but jesus fucking Christ. This is bull shit.

Kindness

It's hard to come by and when it does you're almost floored. Even from someone you know is wonderful and sweet and caring - when the time comes that they do you a favor, it feels weird. Not because you're surprised by the kindness, but the thought of it being shown to you in the most genuine and sincere way possible.


I am the worst singer you have ever heard in your life. I cant hold a note to save my life unless I'm doing it in some weird ass voice that makes me sound like an idiot. My social skills seem to have transferred to my music - when I act like a total idiot I become confident. Drop that goof-ball-façade and I am really awkward and uncomfortable. Behaving like the dumbass has become somewhat of a safety net for me, and when I sing, I do so in the weirdest most ridiculous voice I can possibly think of. This makes people laugh and lightens the mood which in turn makes me laugh and loosen up (which is the very same in social situations).


Today an amazing friend of mine has helped me take steps toward being comfortable with my singing voice - the real one, not the Stewey/old man/hillbilly/whatever else I can pull out of my ass impression. I have a test tomorrow in my preliminary keyboard class in which I have to accompany myself on piano while I sing two Beatles tunes.

When my prof dropped this bombshell on us I thought I was going to throw up. I sang at my last test and it didn't go well at all. It was seriously horrible. The thought of doing this again and for now TWO different songs is terrifying.


Queue SUPER MEGAN!!!!!!!!


We started singing and playing together and after a while, she faded out and let me sing. Then she would fade back in and out and after a while she just stopped all together and let me play and sing on my own! I couldn't believe it! Me, SINGING AND PLAYING ON MY OWN SUCESSFULLY!!!!!
She helped me work through a lot of anxiety and insecurities that I never knew I could get through, and I am forever grateful for that. I have realised that this is much like the body accepting and self acceptance that I had to learn when I started recovering.


I had to get used to the fact that this is the body I have, so rather than hating it I might as well put it to good use. Rather than hating the person that I am, I might as well put myself to good use. This goes for singing too. No one likes their voice, and everyone at one point or another is nervous about singing. This is the voice I have, so I might as well put it to good use! Learning to accept my voice for what it is will be hard if it's even half as difficult as learning to accept my body was (and truth be told, still is). If I can learn to accept my body though, I doubt there's anything I can't learn to do! And, with the help of my amazing friend kick starting the process, I am pretty excited for this now!

Sick

I caught a cold :(


I have no energy to do anything at all. This is the most productive thing I've done all day. On the plus side, it's reading week so this cold couldn't have had better timing!


On the other hand - there is never a good time when ED is involved. Lately he is loving this - more amo!!!

"You haven't gone to the gym in how long?!?!" "Sure, keep eating because it will help fight the cold - or keep telling yourself that fatass..." "You can't even do work right now - you are so worthless! How hard is it to do some homework?? Or practice??" "Lazy piece of shit!"


It certainly doesn't help me feel any better...


I've been struggling with deciding on a career. I don't think I'm cut out for what I'm currently majoring in, but I'm not sure about what I thought I wanted to instead. I have been thinking about nutrition - but I don't know if that's just ED wanting to stick around or if it's what I really want to do. Will it be fulfilling and worth wile? Will it be worth the stress I'm feeling now? Will I like it? Will I have the money to tack on a few extra years of university?


UGH there are too many things to consider and stress about. I honestly am convinced that's how I got sick. I was losing sleep and not eating well because I was so busy with school and worrying. These combined was the perfect recipe for a cold.


The worst think is that I don't have the energy to cook healthy meals - but that's what my body needs right now! All I want to do is sleep all day long, but I need to be nourishing my body. Queue ED:

"No, this is great!! Just go with it and stay in bed!!" "You don't have the energy to stuff your face - that's a blessing, not a bad thing!!" "Take this opportunity to lose some of the weight you've managed to pack on!!" "If you aren't going to the gym, you definitely don't need to be eating!!" 


Someone came to my school the other day and did a presentation about different kinds of patients she works with in music therapy - one of them was trauma patients. I've never dealt with a trauma, but the idea of getting in touch with yourself resonated with me. This is a clear indication that I've been so busy worrying about school that I have neglected this for some time. Listening to her talk about how these patients opened up about how they are feeling through pictures really puled some heart strings.


I think I might do this. I plan on illustrating what an eating disorder is like - or at least attempting to. The finished product will be posted at some point. I'm not sure when that will be, but at some point.

Compliments

How do you receive a compliment that you don't think is true or sincere? How do you say "thank you" to a compliment you think was only made to spare your feelings or hide the truth?


I have been faced with this dilemma for years. Most days I can't stand at least a few things about myself - and that consequently gets blown up into many things. So when, for example, I hear "your hair looks nice" I automatically think "oh no! is the hairspray wearing off? is it falling out of the ponytail?" ect... you get the picture..


I generally smile and say "thank you!" or if it's someone I am very comfortable with I can get goofy and say "d'aw shucks! you're so sweet!!" in the weirdest voice I can think of. Don't ask why, I think it's a security thing. And an excuse to act like a total idiot.


I go to parties where someone will tell me I look nice and then see the pictures the next day and wonder if they weren't telling the truth. Maybe the lighting was off or it was later in the night when my makeup was wearing off, but there is always something that I don't like about myself that stands out to me in that picture. Then I wonder how obvious it is to other people - which then brings me to wonder whether or not the compliment was sincere or simply to spare my feelings.


I am getting better at accepting compliments and believing they are genuine. I remember there was a time that any compliment was a clear sign that that particular person was looking out for my feelings. Every. Single. One.


Now I am getting better at seeing them for what they are - compliments.


Lately I haven't been doing too well with this, but I am really trying. I keep doing my therapy exercises and going over the facts in my head - the real facts, not the ones that ED tells me.

That's the trick - figuring out the difference between ED and reality. I'm getting the hang of it, but even after three years I still have trouble with it sometimes

The Novel

Well I wasn't lying. I haven't posted in quite some time, so there is a novel ahead.


I'm sitting in my room at school reflecting on the summer that has passed. I have made leaps and bounds in my recovery and I couldn't be more excited! The summer was filled with all kinds of adventures and triumphs.


The wedding;


I attended a wedding in the last part of August. This was my cousins wedding that was ever so exciting. I wore a dress that was strapless which was a cause of much angst and worry for quite a while. When I saw it in the store I fell in love with it. I wanted to try it on, and as soon as I did I looked in the mirror I heard "Oh my god look at that arm fat!!!" "Have fun hiding those man-shoulders in that!!" It was really hard to say yes to the dress after hearing all that, needless to say.
Alas, I ended up purchasing it. If I loved it before I put it on, there is no reason to not love it on me too. Picking a dress isn't about finding one that makes you look good - it's about finding something that you can relate to and showing everyone else. Style is like make-up; it's art that you get to wear!


Then came the dinner. This time a year ago I would've been mortified at the very thought of eating a pre-picked prepared meal that I had to eat in front of people. I no doubt would've cut out most, if not all, grain servings that day for fear that the caloric value of the dinner would be greater than my daily grains combined. I would've obsessed over weather or not the people at the table with me had noticed my portion sizes and weather or not they would comment on it. "Am I eating too much?? Not enough?? How much is just the right amount so that no one will notice my plate?? I just don't want anyone to say anything!!" I then would've obsessed over the fact that I ate the dinner at this certain time, so I hope that I could stay up and do enough activity so that my body could burn it all off. Maybe dance? Maybe just drink and forget about it. But wait!!! How many extra calories are in the alcohol I would be drinking!?!?!?!


Ugh, it's exhausting.


I'm proud to say that I didn't think any of those things when the time came. It was just about having fun and celebrating the bride and groom on their special night. I ate as much as I needed to keep energised and enjoy the evening with some amazing people. No more, no less. The thing was that if that's what my body needed, than that's what my body needed. If I needed more I would crave more - and I didn't, so my body was satisfied. Simple as that.






pic from the wedding

The food adventures

This has been a summer filled with MANY different adventures. I have eaten so many different fear foods that I never could've imagined I would and I'm incorporating them into my every day now! I am eating half of the stuff that I wouldn't even be in the same room as a year ago!! I have my lovely sisters and friends to thank for that. The support that I received was absolutely incredible - I honestly couldn't ask for a better support system.


I have become more assertive than I ever thought I could be. No more being a push-over for this girl!


I got my full drivers licence! I never could've done that with ED. When I was really effected by ED I couldn't focus on anything or even stay awake for very long, making me a danger on the road. I knew that I needed to be well nourished for my test to be able to fully pay attention and get pass my test - and I did!


Things look like they're finally turning around, and I think it's going to be a great year!

This didn't turn out to be as long as I had intended. I guess that's what happens when it takes you two months to write a post. Eventually (like right now) I get tired of constantly adding to it and thing - to hell with it - and post it. Oh well,


Till next time,


Steph






He's Back...

So I figured that it was only a matter of time before ED came back. It's like he read my last post and got pissed off or something... I thought I had finally just about gotten rid of him for good, but he's back with a vengeance.

It is not as horrible as it has been before - I can still sort of function. Last weekend I had forgotten to plan out my week in advance, so it threw me off completely. When I don't have things planned, I get really anxious and on edge. This was the case this week. I have done what I can, but it is hard because it's not a nice feeling to have - and ED certainly isn't helping.

Lately  I have looked in the mirror and heard "OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!". Sometimes when I'm walking I can hear "Do you feel that? That's your thunder thighs TOUCHING!!!!" Now when I go to eat a sweet treat I can hear "Are you sure you really need that????"


I've been feeling kind of down because of this combination of events. I'm trying to stay positive, but man it gets hard. Since I haven't been able to practice a lot lately (because I didn't book any practice rooms on time for this week) that's been giving ED a lot of amo as well; "You sound like shit! You don't belong here if you can't even practice your main instrument!"


It's like FUCK OFF!! seriously!!!! UGH I'm tired of this shit -_-

Hope

It's weird how I couldn't go more than an hour without thinking some sort of distorted thought. I remember when my whole life was ED. Every 10-20 minutes would be a thought about how worthless I was - that or obsessing over some food I knew ED would never let me eat. Anything and everything would trigger ED's voice in one form or another. Whether it was how awful I looked that day or how much better that girl looked than me. How much I ate that day and how much it showed or how little I should eat tomorrow to balance it out. How stupid I was or how much happier society would be without me - or if they would even notice.


The last couple of months have been great. I couldn't have imagined being able to go 10 minutes without hearing ED let alone the hours at a time I can now. I still have many insecurities but I'm working through them. I still have fear foods but the list has grown much smaller than I ever thought it would be. I still have triggers but I know how to cope with them. I still have bad days but they're fewer and farther in between than they ever have been. I can honestly say that I am proud of  how far I've come. I can honestly say that I am proud of myself! It didn't even feel weird to type!!


Recovery  is possible. Anyone who wants it bad enough can get to a place where they are finally happy. Where they are ALIVE. I never thought it was possible and I sure as hell never thought I'd be talking about it, but I am. I ate a HUGE slice of chocolate chip pumpkin bread and feel absolutely no shame. Zero shits are given on this day.


I am winning. Plain and simple. I have no room for ED in my life and he knows that. I am taking my life back because he wouldn't give it back to me. Because he was more than happy to take it away from me - literally and figuratively. If I can do it, so can anyone else if they work hard enough. Please don't give up. I know it's hard; believe me, recovery has been BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life but it's worth it. More importantly, so are you.


Please don't give up. Recovery is possible and I know you can do it!

Sizes

On Friday I went to the mall with a lovely friend of mine. It was great to spend some time with her and we both love shopping, so you can't really go wrong with that!


We went to various stores and drooled over things we could never afford but liked to look at anyway. We found things that we really really really needed/wanted. We chatted, laughed, browsed and enjoyed each others company. When we started looking at clothing though, I couldn't help but become sad. Not for me this time, but for society in general.


My friend (who for privacy purposes will be called Cathy) is not a size zero. She certainly isn't obese or even overweight for that matter - she is healthy and happy. As we were looking through different clothing stores and looking at different clothes she mentioned that in some clothing stores the bigger sizes were more expensive and I was outraged. How could any clothing company possibly justify that?? Are you really using that much more fabric that you have to raise the price? And why is it only the bigger sizes that cost more? That's great for your customers self esteem...


Then we were looking for some workout clothes. They are so expensive that we just kept going to different stores to see who was cheapest. As we went to different stores we noticed one disturbing trend; All of the workout clothes were XSM, SM, M. Nothing else. Cathy WHO ISN'T OVERWEIGHT couldn't buy any of them. What, are only skinny people supposed to exercise?? What about someone who isn't a size zero that wants to exercise??

The double standard here is disgusting. "We need to be skinny but if you aren't already then sorry toots, you're on your own".


Then I look around and in most stores there is a plus size section. So we now need to separate the "fat" people and make them go to a separate section of the store. That's a great idea, lets make people feel not only self conscious but HUMILIATED because they aren't worthy of shopping with the rest of the thin people. This is why people have issues with eating disorders and a whole slew of other mental health issues. This is 2014 people, wake up people! What is wrong with this picture??!?!?!?!


Clothing sizes keep getting smaller and smaller. Beauty expectations and ideals become less and less attainable and the media is more aggressive than ever. Cathy is an absolutely beautiful girl. It pains me to hear her talk about some of her insecurities. It crushed me when we found work out clothes and over and over again she couldn't try anything on because it was all the same sizes. There is no reason for some as wonderful and beautiful - or anyone for that matter - to have to go through that.


Till Next Time,


Steph

Revelation

The other day I was on my way back home from running some errands and thought I would stop in Tim Hortons and pick up a tea and coffee for my parents. While I was standing in line to order I took a look at the different pastries they had. They are getting so creative with the different kinds of snacks, from birthday cake timbits to oreo donuts. And that's when it hit me...


Tim Hortons, like all other businesses, need to keep moving forward to keep up with the general population. They are constantly trying and creating new things and more importantly they keep moving forward. Just like the rest of the world, they aren't waiting for anyone or anything. As long as the world keeps turning and time keeps ticking, forward is the only place to go - and the world, just like time, isn't waiting for anyone.




Tim Hortons isn't going to wait for me to be comfortable with donuts to make really tasty ones, nor are they going to keep them around any longer than they plan to, regardless of where I am in recovery. Sometimes I just cling onto ED with all my might only to realise that there is a whole wide world out there that is moving and living and inviting me - inviting you - to join it. Try a Tim Hortons donut. The world isn't going to stop spinning, nor will the clocks stop; it is just a simple treat. Even if you don't want to it's ok! The world is still turning and will still be here tomorrow so you can try again and face your fear then.

The amount of anxiety that surrounds ED is insane. Sometimes I would feel like the world was going to stop turning and the clocks would stop ticking if I ate one too many baby carrots. I felt like everyone had judged me or something. Being in that Tim Hortons made me realise that the world doesn't evolve around ED like ours does. It feels like a foreign concept, but the world has it's own agenda, and ED has nothing to do with that. Let the world turn. Let time tick by. Enjoy yourself and be a part of that world. Because you never know the kinds of opportunities you could miss out on by wasting time with ED

Big Steps

Do you ever wonder how much you could possibly do without your ED? I did all the time; I never thought I was anything with or without it. I'm nothing special, I'm not winning the Nobel Prize or anything. I screw up even the simplest tasks - the only thing I was good at was losing weight and hating everyone. I had never accomplished anything great before ED, so why was everyone telling me life would be better without him? Was recovery supposed to be some sort of cosmic phenomenon that would happen where suddenly I was supposed to be somebody when I started eating?




I took on pizza for the first time in three years this past Monday. I made the dough and everything with my mom and sister. My goal is to be able to order a pizza with my family the night my other sister comes back from her internship in Japan in August. She misses North American food, so before she goes back to school in September we want to treat her as much as we can - pizza is one of those things. I want to enjoy it with my family and my sister who I have come to miss so very much. I don't want to make something else for myself, I want to eat what they are eating and just enjoy my family's company without worrying about how much fat or calories are in it or how may grain servings I had earlier that day. So I am taking baby steps, beginning with making the pizza with my family.


I wanted to have total control of what was going on/in the pizza. If I know exactly what it is made of and how it is made, it takes some if the mystery out and makes me feel more in control. We put a minimal amount of cheese on, so next time I want to try putting more on; I mean, what's a pizza without a TON of cheese, right?


So this was a particularly difficult mountain to climb for me. This came with a lot of anxiety and a lot of emotions. During the preparation process I couldn't help but hear ED say "You can't do it! I know you can't!" "Just call it off now, tell mom you're going to just makes eggs" "You have already had enough fatty foods today, I sincerely doubt you need more". 
I was able to combat this with some of the things I had learned in my nutrition class. I just kept saying to myself "There is no such thing as good foods or bad foods. Everything is good in moderation. Food is just energy, fuel, a means to survive - it can't hurt you if you moderate. Different foods are just a different way of getting energy and I need all the energy and focus I can get for my driving test tomorrow."
When the pizza was done coking it was time to cut it and eat it. Sitting at the table I thought I was going to be sick. I felt so anxious that my stomach was doing flips and turns. My mind kept racing and I kept thinking "Oh my god, how many grain servings have I had today, what about dairy servings??" "How many slices count as one grain serving? Or a dairy serving?" Each bite was hard, but it got easier as I ate my piece of pizza.
When I was done I kept thinking "OH MY GOD GET IT OUT OF ME!!!!!" Ed chimed in of course; "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!!" "Get to the bathroom quick and purge that shit out of your body!!!!!"


I am thankful for my sister who was so supportive and encouraging. She helped me remember that this was a victory, not a mistake or a means of being weak and giving in to my inner fat kid. I needed that energy. I needed the veggies on the pizza. I needed the cheese and the dough. My body needs nourishment, even if it's a bit fattier than some baby carrots. All food is good in moderation.


The next day I had my driving test. I was so nervous that my hands were actually shaking. This time three years ago I wasn't allowed to drive; wasn't even able to. I couldn't stay awake for longer than about 10 minutes. I would fall asleep at the dinner table with food in my mouth because my body was so weak and exhausted. Driving in that condition was a disaster waiting to happen, an inevitable car wreck. It was just a bad idea.


I was in good enough shape to drive on and off in the years after until recently when I have been doing great. I decided since my licence was about to expire and I was finally healthy that now was a good a time as any to get  my full licence; and that's what I did. As of 10:30 AM yesterday I am now a fully licenced driver and have been on cloud nine ever since.


It was when I got my licence that I realised that this was what recovery is all about. Not doing something spectacular or being someone magnificent - it's about being me. We are not all Ghandi's in the making, nor are we Hillary Clinton or Jennifer Lawrence. I am Stephanie and that is good enough for me. I want to be the best I can be and do the best that I can, and I can't possibly do that with ED. How could I have gotten my licence if I didn't fuel my body? How could I have even gotten out of bed in the first place?
What I didn't realise was that the person I was going to be when I started to recover was me, and that I was going to accomplish life without ED. ED's been holding me back this whole time and I didn't even realise because I didn't realise that I had a life waiting to be lived right in front of me the whole time. I don't know about finding the cure for cancer, but I know that I can still make accomplishments of my own and they feel wonderful - so much more than how losing a pound could ever make me feel.


It's time to leave ED for good. ED needs to get the fuck out of my life because there is no room for him anymore. I continued with my rebellion tonight when I went to the movies with my sis and ate movie theatre popcorn for the first time in forever. This bitch is on a role, and I don't intend to stop anytime soon!

Busy Busy Busy

As you can probably tell from the title it's been busy. I have been working so much over time at work that when I get home I am too exhausted to do anything. On weekends I have plans with this person and that person, so I am pretty exhausted overall to say the very least - at least for the past few weeks.


Last weekend was a terrifying one. I went to a dear friends house for a party. She is my cousin but we are really close and she's practically a sister - therefore she is a good friend of mine. This was not like previous parties that I go to at school all the time because at those parties (in Nova Scotia) I know everyone there. In this case I was meeting new people. I knew a grand total of two people there - my cousin Katie who was hosting the party and my other cousin Laura she had invited who I am also close with. No one else.


I had been dreading this all day long. I was so terrified that when I was getting ready earlier that day I was crying silently to myself. As the day grew later and I got closer to leaving my hands were actually shaking. On the way over to her house my heart was pounding and my stomach was doing flips and turns; it felt like I was walking the Green Mile. The walk seemed to take forever and I wanted to cry some more, and turn around and go back home and pretend that I never got the silly idea that I would be able to function in this kind of a social situation. It was possible since I knew she would understand.


Let's not forget about ED. That stupid fuck was with me the whole god damn time. When I got changed into my outfit I heard "CELLULITE!!!!!" "Why are you wearing a tank top?? Your man shoulders and gut are going to be soooo visible!" "How many times am I going to have to remind you that you suck at doing makeup before you finally give up!!?!?!" "Your legs look disgusting!!" "Just do Katie a favour and don't go!!". It got pretty hard to hold back the water works shortly before I left for her house.


I had talked to Katie earlier about my concerns and she was so understanding and supportive. She told me that if I was uncomfortable I could leave and she wouldn't be offended. She also told me how nice her friends are and that they would make me feel really welcome and I found out later that she was so right. I knew that she would do whatever she could to make me feel comfortable - and that she did.


When she opened the door she took my hand and introduced me to the people I was so afraid to meet. One by one she introduced me to her friends that were there and they all seemed really nice. I was still nervous - afraid of making myself look like an idiot, of embarrassing my cousin, saying something completely stupid. I had been picking myself apart all day and throughout the night and was afraid that they would find all of the imperfections and flaws that I tried to cover up. I was afraid that I would be the downer and make everything awkward for everyone because I can't hold a conversations to save my life. ED kept screaming at me "Just go home, you're boring everyone and making them feel awkward!" "There's an elephant in the room... literally and figuratively!". I looked around the room at everyone and heard "Everyone here looks so good! What are you doing here again??" "Their makeup is so much better, yours just looks caked on" "Their outfits look good on them... you look like shit!". ED is always a great party guest.....


There I was; the hopelessly awkward kid watching her every move and choosing her words so very carefully  so as not to make a fool of myself. My cousins stayed by me and made sure I wasn't too uncomfortable. They were absolutely wonderful, I really couldn't ask for a better support system. They definitely helped me in conversations and reassured me when I needed it. I am so thankful and grateful that they had my back, it really meant the world to me. I love those girls so much.


As the night went on I was beginning to get more comfortable..... until everyone went in the hot tub.


Being around people in bathing suits is a very uncomfortable thing for me. I never tell anyone because how do you honestly say to someone "excuse me, could you put some clothes on? You're making me uncomfortable..."?
Not that there is anything wrong with other peoples bodies - it's simply that I hate mine so much. It continues to baffle my mind that someone could be comfortable enough in their own skin to wear a bathing suit and have a good time without even thinking about it. This has been a completely foreign concept to me for years. It can make me so jealous and envious.


As the night continued on though I realised that these people are all different shapes and sizes and it didn't make them any less beautiful. They have flaws, imperfections and probably a very long list of things they are self conscious about. But I just see very nice and wonderful people who are beautiful just as they are.


No one chased me out, or made fun of me. No one made me feel unwelcome; in fact, I made some awesome friends that night that I got to see again last weekend at another get together. I'm so glad that I went to the parties and so thankful to my cousins for being there for me, I love them so much.

Shorts

This week as been filled with some pretty weird weather. It was raining and cold and then yesterday it was so hot that walking at a relaxed pace would have you sweating. I work in a warehouse as a summer job which is all manual labour. I can be pushing hundreds of pounds around for any amount of time. I love it because by the end of every summer I'm jacked, but man is it hard work.


Needless to say on hot days we really feel the heat - and yesterday was one of them. I decided that today I would wear shorts into work to try and avoid becoming overheated. When I was really sick and weighed about half as much as I do now, I could get away with wearing pants to work even during the hottest days. Now that I have considerably more padding than I used to, that isn't really an option anymore.


So I wore shorts to work and it was very difficult. I wanted to run home and change into pants since it didn't turn out to be that hot today anyway. I found myself starting to pick out flaws, feeling judging eyes, pulling them down to try and cover some more of my legs. I could hear ED screaming "CELLULITE!!!!" "Blubber!!!!!" "Cover it up!!!!" I noticed even more cellulite than I ever had before. I just wanted to cover it up. I could feel my legs jiggle every time I took a step and I knew that they are coming closer and closer together, diminishing the thigh gap that I had worked so hard to achieve. "You're disgusting!" "How can you stand yourself?!" "Cover those oversized sausages up!" All. Day. Long.


Last week one of the other students at work had gotten a sun burn on her shoulders and didn't want to wear the safety shirts or vests that we had been given because it would irritate them, and understandably - if I had a sun burn that bad I wouldn't be in much of a hurry to put any kind of fabric over top of it. Instead she wore a bright orange tank top that was within the safety rules and was in no way inappropriate (in terms of having her boobs hang out). No one had a problem with it except one grumpy old lady we work with who decided to tell her that she couldn't wear it and that she would get in trouble - which she didn't.


All day I was waiting for her to come up to me and tell me that the shorts were too short and that I couldn't wear them. When she got mad at the student, the whole warehouse was on the students side because there was absolutely nothing wrong with the tank top. I was certain that if I was given shit that no one would be behind me because it's not even like I look good in them anyway. I was terrified of this happening all day.


A couple of people at work noticed and I wanted to run away. I saw them look - not in a creepy way - and was so uncomfortable. "They're thinking the same thing I'm telling you! They're just too nice to say it - you're fat!!!".  And I got to hear that all day long. All. Day. Long.


GAH this sucks -_-


Till next time,
A very tired fighter

Grains

So Thursday night after I got home I was so incredibly grumpy it was unbelievable. I wanted to strangle someone for  no apparent reason. This feeling was all too familiar. I had it every single day when I was struggling with ED. I hated everything. Everything was like a black and white movie - bleak and fuzzy. I was so angry all the time at absolutely nothing. I have never been so angry and hateful at any point in time in my life when ED was in my life - before and after. Looking back at it it's hard to believe just how hateful I was over everything - just because I was so miserable and hated everything that had the nerve to be happy or even exist.


I had a similar feeling the other night. Occasionally this happens still, and I have to rethink the last couple of days to see what has gone wrong to lead me to feel this way. Was it something someone said that made me uncomfortable? Was it a social situation (usually involving food or the mention of my weight) that made me uncomfortable? Was it something I have recently eaten/ was about to eat that I feel bad about? and then I stopped. OF COURSE!


The two food adventures (popcorn and chocolate) had given me a heightened awareness to food intake - particularly grains. When I am having a really bad food day the first things to go are grains, followed by dairy and fruit. Grains just make me uncomfortable that way, and dairy and fruit are the next runner ups. So after having the two HUGE adventures that I did in such a short time span already made me ultra nervous about food.


To add to that I get nervous about grains to begin with, bad food day or not. For example if I eat a sandwich for lunch, the two slices of bread are the only bread servings I am comfortable with - dinner will have to be something like rice, not another piece of bread or a dinner roll as a grain serving. Potatoes and rice are very tricky; I don't eat them on the same day, so if I have rice for lunch then dinner will have to be bread, not something with potato. I am obviously working on it, but for now those are some of the weird rules that ED has set out for me that I am dealing with.


Anyway, so I got home and my mom said that she was making eggs and toast for dinner as it had been a long day for everyone and no one felt like cooking anything extravagant or with much effort. It was then that it dawned on me that I had eaten a peanut butter sandwich for lunch that same day - after having the two food adventures in the days earlier in the week!!! Two pieces of bread at lunch and now two pieces of toast on the same day - that's four pieces of bread people!!! ED went NUTS, and for a while it was just in the form of a grumpy day...


ED is a sneaky son of a bitch, but I caught him red handed this time.  It gets tricky sometimes, but I'm getting the hang of it again


Till next time,




Steph

Untitled

I was reading a new members post in an ED recovery support group I joined online. She stated "I wish I could be as small as I feel." This really resonated with me because it makes so much sense, and pretty accurately describes how I felt a lot.


I felt tiny all the time. I felt - and still often feel - insignificant. Like a waste of space and flesh and air. I felt like an insect in a world of magnificent other creatures and species; the weed in a beautiful garden of vibrant flowers. I felt like a nuisance to everyone. Why does this person deserve to live among hard working, beautiful, and productive people while she contributes nothing? Why does this ugly person deserve to breathe the same air that these beautiful, more important people breathe?


I wished that I could actually shrink to the size of an insect and disappear, and do everyone a favor. I wondered if people didn't have to look at me or see me, I wouldn't be such a burden. I could leave the bigger world of people who were so much better than me; so much more deserving than I was and disappear into a deep dark tiny hole never to be bothered by - or be a bother to - anyone.


Some days I still feel like this.... ok most days, but it does get better. People who feel this way should know that you aren't worthless. You aren't pointless and you are NOT a waste of space. Whenever you think these things, think to yourself - would I ever say this to anyone else? I would be willing to bet money on the fact that you would not ever say something like that to someone else. You are no different from those other people. You are just as important and just as deserving. Please don't ever forget that.

Hot Tub, Popcorn and Chocolate

It's been an interesting week including friends and food adventures. It's been stressful and rewarding at the same time.


Saturday I got to go out for dinner with a few girlfriends. It was so nice to see them again, I missed them while I was away at school. I remembered times we had gone out a couple of years ago and I would be so uncomfortable I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself. One time we went to a café in town where they got cheesecake. At the time my ED was at it's worst. I had lost so much weight that the pants I was wearing (in literally 25 degree weather) were falling off of me. This is no exaggeration, I was literally holding them up because they wouldn't stay on my waist - if I didn't my pants would have fallen to my ankles in middle of the café. I sat there with a bottle of water the entire time just wanting to get the hell out of there.


This time was different. Now I can actually have fun with my friends and be present and in the moment. We went to East Side Mario's for dinner. Pasta is a huge fear food for me; there was a time I wouldn't stay in the same room as a plate of pasta. It is still a big fear food, but because I know how to cope I can prepare myself ahead of time and act accordingly. I ordered soup and a salad which were delicious, and had a wonderful time with my friends. I feel so comfortable around them and because they know about ED they are so understanding and I always really appreciate the support and love they give me more than words can express.


After dinner we got some treats from the store and went to one of my friends house to take a dip in her hot tub and enjoy a bonfire afterward. Considering I can't even comfortably wear shorts, I will not wear a bathing suit - no way no how, so I just sat on the side and dipped my feet in. Of course I could hear ED... "You are so fucking weird! you can't even get in a bathing suit!" "don't even think about it, if you look terrible in shorts you will look horrendous in a bathing suit!" "try a moo moo, you would look better in one of those... and maybe not so disgusting" I just kept my mind on the conversation with my friends and the good time we were having.
My friends were so understanding and wonderful and we had a lot of fun. I snacked on jelly beans and marshmallows (the very few sugary treats I am comfortable with....don't ask why, I have no idea).


Monday my dad and I had just got off work and we went to Canadian Tire for some fertiliser on the way home. We walked past some Jiffy Pop popcorn and he smiled - it was a childhood favorite of his. I had mentioned that I had never had it before; just as a statement, not implying that I wanted to take part in eating it as popcorn is also a fear food. He was outraged (jokingly) and stated that no kid of his will go through life never having tried Jiffy Pop, picked one up and purchased it. I was freaking out silently. "Oh now you did it! watch that already fat ass of yours grow even bigger after eating THAT!" "I hope you're happy - you've managed to ruin your disgusting body even more!" "that butter is going to go straight to your ass you know!" "Can you say CELLULITE?"

When we got home I thought "ED FUCK OFF!" and decided to try some popcorn with my dad. This was the first time in a year that I've eaten popcorn and I was thoroughly freaked out but felt victorious at the same time. I had had a couple of pieces here and there before when I was feeling brave but never an actual serving - like a few handfuls! And it was delicious!! I thoroughly enjoyed my popcorn with my dad as we watched a movie.


Yesterday was yet another food adventure. A good friend of mine at work Rebecca, really had a craving for some chocolate. Chocolate is right up there with pasta on the fear food scale for me. Holy god can it make me uncomfortable. I can drink hot chocolate and chocolate milk no problem, but ask me to eat solid chocolate - even chocolate chips - and I bolt. She offered me a piece and I really thought hard about it. All I could hear for a while was "CELLULITE!!" "GUT!" "THUNDER THIGHS!" and then I thought really hard about it. If Rebecca is not fat by any means and quite a pretty girl and she is eating the whole chocolate bar; than I'm pretty sure that one square of the chocolate bar will not ruin me. I decided to have a piece. This was a HUGE deal. I told her and she told me that she was very happy for me and it made me feel even better. She is so wonderful and supportive. I know that I can always talk to her and she genuinely cares, which is hard to come by. She is very sincere, so the fact that she said that means A LOT to me.


Later that night was pretty rough though. I could hear stupid ED nagging at me all night. Even though it sucked that ED used that against me, I am still glad that I did it. I need to get more into the habit of taking control. This is MY life, MY body and what I decide to do with it are MY decisions, NOT ED's!


Even though this prison is quite comfy, I've grown quite tired of it, so I'm moving out!

Shorts Season

It's that time of year again. Time to get out the shorts and bathing suit; for most people, that is. I wouldn't be caught dead in a swim suit. It's just not happening. Shorts on the other hand are slightly more possible with a little encouragement from my wonderful siblings.


This will be the second year wearing shorts since I was a little kid. Before last year it had been literally years since I had worn a pair of shorts. I think I was in high school phys ed, and that was because I had to, and they were soccer shorts so I could cover up as much as I possibly could - I was 14 tops. The only exception was when we went to Florida the next year for obvious reasons. Last year I was 20 before I even considered wearing them again.


So far I have worn shorts once - and it was so uncomfortable. I didn't even leave the house. All I could think was ED's voice screaming "MMOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" It was awful. Am I stalling to wearing them again? Yes. It scares the bejesus out of me.


The BBQ went well. I was really nervous at first but then I felt a bit better as the lunch hour went on. I could hear ED screaming at me the whole god damn time; "This is why your pants are so tight you fat ass!!" "That's it, stuff your face..." I just kept thinking about all of the good nutrients that I was getting from the food - carbs (which are GOOD FOR YOU), protein, iron. Near the end of the lunch break I was able to concentrate a bit better, and could drown ED's voice out at least a little.


The shorts mountain of a challenge is going to be a pain in the ass just like last year was. I cried, I changed into pants sometimes, I was uncomfortable. More importantly however, I was learning to do what is best for my body. If it is too hot I need to put on shorts to cool down; not continue hiding under layers. I have considerably more padding now since starting recovery, so wearing a sweater and pants during 35 degree weather just isn't going to fly.


There will be plenty more entries about this as it is a HUGE issue for me and a mountain of a fear to conquer.


Till next time


Steph

The Novel-Long Update

Hi There!


Sorry it's been a while. After coming home I basically got one day of rest and then started work again - which has been draining. So, so draining. Don't worry though, I'm still here :)


A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks, I don't even know where to start! Lets see..


When I first got home I knew it was time to start eating at least a little bit better because I was going to work in a warehouse. This means manual labour, lifting, sweating, walking, climbing - LIFTING. It takes a lot of energy to be able to keep up there, which means that you need to eat well. I worked there two years ago when my anorexia was really bad and honestly have no idea how I did it - it's such hard work. That said, I knew I had to be healthy and well fed and nourished for the summer if I was going to be of any use at all. It was tough to increase my intake - it was filled with A LOT of acid reflux and anxiety, but I have managed to get to a place where I can work efficiently without worrying about passing out in the middle of one of the isles.

Re-increasing my intake was a pain in the ass as always. I had acid reflux like you would not believe. I was eating Tums and peppermint gum like they were going out of style. It was awful because while I was having acid reflux I couldn't help but want to purge. It would help my stomach to not go insane and I wouldn't have to worry about weight gain. I could remember after a binge when I would feel uncomfortable and guilty and my ED would say "That's you're cue! go to it!". It was like clock work.


I resisted and got my intake up almost to what it used to be. I still have some work to do, but at least for now I can keep up at work.


I got to meet with some friends that I missed so much while I was away at school. It was so wonderful to see them again. Usually we would meet in a coffee shop and catch up on each others lives and such. It almost always involved food of some sort which was always nerve racking. I tried an apple fritter for the first time in my life. It was really tasty, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel any guilt. Especially since I had it really late.


I can get uncomfortable after eating after certain times. These times have changed over the last couple years, for instance; When my anorexia came back with a bulimic side kick I wouldn't eat past 3pm unless it was to binge and then purge. Lately it has been 7pm. This is enough time to have dinner and then a light snack if need be before I go to bed to hold me off until the morning. When I have food after that I always fear that my body won't be able to burn off the energy that I ate and it will be stored as fat over night. If you eat before a few hours before bed it gives your body the time it needs to use the energy you took in that day. This is lightly based on fact, but my ED has twisted and contorted it to make a distorted thought that I still struggle with to this day.


Any-old-hoo.


Last week was my sisters school band performance which was held at her high school (my old high school). I hated that school. Whenever I walk anywhere near that part of town I get so uncomfortable and want more than anything to leave. I was bullied in grade nine and the names still follow me today. Whenever I walk around that school or even surrounding area I can recall different things that were said to me at that corner or in that room or that field. I could tell you who called me ugly or a loser in front of that building, and I could tell you who stood there and watched or laughed. Even though by the end of grade nine it had been resolved and I made new friends I still carried those names and labels with me all throughout high school. This put my confidence level at a perpetual low and thus opened the door to ED.


I wanted to see her play though (rockin' the clarinet, just like I did!) so I braved that piece of shit school and went to the performance. I just focused on my sister and the music, and ignored the triggers and reminiscent (and unpleasant) scenes that were playing out in my head all over again. It was a great performance, and my sister did really well. I was glad that I went, but very relieved when it was time to leave.


This weekend I cut my hair and donated it. It was a huge transformation for me, and it's still taking a while to get used to. I got so many compliments on FB and at work!! It made me feel all warm n' fuzzy :3
It was the first time in YEARS that I was able to hear a compliment and take it for what it was. I didn't hear ED saying "They're just being nice" "You actually look like shit, just no one wants to say anything" which was a pleasant surprise. ED, however, found a new way to make me miserable.
I kept thinking - or ED was telling me, rather - "Since all of the attention is on you, people are really going to start noticing that belly you've got going on there" "Great, now people are definitely going to notice your thunder thighs!". I really do appreciate the compliments, but my god ED is annoying! Even after I got my hair cut I started picking myself apart. "Does it make my face look wide?" "Oh no, now I can't cover up my man shoulders!". Gah, it gets exhausting.
I recently started having a rougher go again with food needless to say....


That said, my work is having a free BBQ for employees on Friday and I am scared shitless. I am so terrified that ED will somehow get louder than he already is. I am already hearing "Oh my god, don't have anything - you'll overeat!" "You know people are going to notice how much you get; better to just skip it" "You're already eating so much and have gained so much weight, do you really think this is such a good idea?"  all the time, and it's only Wednesday! This is gonna be tough...


I will be sure to post an update on that on Friday.


Till then, sorry about the frikin novel...


Steph

Home for the Summer

I’m sitting on the train going back home to Ontario for the summer. Well actually, by the time this is posted I will be home…. I’m just saving this on a word document till I get home to some wifi where I can post it. Time warp.

I wanted so badly to go to the snack cart and order some food, maybe crackers or something. I keep fighting off the urge because I don’t actually feel hungry, I just keep thinking about food all the freaking time. I feel tired and weak and grumpy, but that’s become the norm the last couple of weeks. I have already eaten more than I am comfortable with over the last 24 hours.

Yesterday I went and got a crepe with a couple of friends which was SO uncomfortable. I didn’t want to go because I had no interest in eating anything whatsoever, but I needed to thank my two friends who helped me move into my new apartment. When one of them suggested we go and get some supper I pounced on the idea to show them my gratitude by paying, but that also meant that I had to go too….. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable so I got a savory  crepe; I figured If I just sat there while they ate it would be awkward, so I got the one that would give me the least anxiety. It was really tasty, but I’m not sure if it’s because everything is delicious to me right now or it’s because it was actually a good meal..

Anyway, then this morning I ate some breakfast so that I didn’t fall asleep in the cab on the way to the train station. I figured it was going to be a long ride filled with plenty of awkward moments; I didn’t want to make it worse by falling asleep on the poor driver. I’ve been snacking on hard candies when I do get feelings of hunger, but now I’m pretty sure I might go into a diabetic coma if I have any more – and boy would that be awkward! “Mom, dad, sorry I didn’t get off of the train when it rolled in I’ve actually been in the hospital the past little while…” I don’t think that would go over well.

I am just sipping on water and occasionally a hot chocolate (don’t ask why I can drink hot chocolate and chocolate milk on a good day but not anything else with chocolate in it… I don’t really understand either).

I am definitely going to have to get back in contact with my recovery team (type thing) in Ontario again. This is going to mean going to regular appointments with my nutritionist/shrink/councillor over the summer. I have got to get back on track before I fly too far off the handle bars (again). I have come too far to go back to square one. This has turned into much more than a hiccup and I need to put a stop to it now… I just might need to call in some reinforcements to help. I know I can do it though; this is one determined bitch that isn’t going to give up. Not this easily at least!

Fighting It

I am sitting in my room right now desperately fighting the urge to purge the only real food I ate today. I met up with a good friend of mine this afternoon...


Actually I think good friend is a bit of an understatement. Ally has been such a wonderful friend to me this year. She has taken me under her wing and been such a wonderful mentor to me. Coming back to school this year after my hiatus was so hard for me and I was so scared and unsure about everything. I had known her before, but only started really talking to her by chance, and it turned out to be the luckiest thing ever. Like EVER. She has given me guidance, advice, and helped me get back on track to recovery. I owe a lot of my successful year to her and words can not describe how thankful I am that she is in my life. She's graduating this year *sniff sniff* so we wanted to meet up again to catch up and see each other as much as possible before we part ways.




Me and Ally. I'm gonna miss this girl so much

Anyhoo, so she and I were talking and I realised that I really should have at least something. So I steamed some broccoli and cauliflower and while I was waiting ate a scoop of peanut butter. I don't have much food in my apartment as I am heading home in a couple of days and don't want to get groceries, so I have to work with what I have; and that's what I came up with. I'm not used to eating much anymore, so naturally I am so uncomfortable right now. Like holy shit.


I don't want to move, and I just want to purge and get rid of it all - both to relieve the discomfort and the anxiety from eating. As I was eating my plate of broccoli and cauliflower every bite was awful. I had to force every bite down my throat and honestly wanted to cry. ED was loving it. "That's right, keep stuffing your face you worthless piece of shit." "You look so pathetic right now." "Say goodbye to that nice flat stomach that you've achieved over the last week!" "Have fun watching your legs and ass grow even fatter!" 


To say I've fallen off track would be a bit of an understatement right now...


I haven't gotten that upset about eating anything in a long time. This is definitely not a good sign. I'm thinking at this point it would be a good idea to get back in touch with my recovery team from back home - summer break sure had good timing...


Till next time..


Steph

Exhausted

I knew this would happen. I knew it was only a matter of time before I couldn't drown out ED's voice anymore. Being so busy with school was great - until school ended and I was left alone with ED. Yesterday was when it got really bad, and since then I have been having a really rough time.


The hours are starting to feel like years again. Everything is losing its newness and freshness that I had once seen so vibrantly upon realising that ED didn't matter anymore. I could see the bleakness creeping back in, and feel the air getting heavier and thicker. I had so many things that I wanted to do with my time off of school before heading home and starting work again - now I don't want to get out of bed. I know that I would need food to fuel me in order to do most of these things, so naturally I'm losing interest in them.


I recently did my laundry which naturally makes your clothes shrink a bit. It had been a while since I had done laundry - which I blame student life for - so my clothes had a while to stretch out and get comfy, disguising the weight I've gained since the last two week crunch of school; during which time I had gained a noticeable amount of weight. I hadn't had time to notice this weight until I put on one of my pairs of pants (which had shrunk back to regular size in the wash) and was absolutely mortified. They were tight - like actually uncomfortably, embarrassingly tight. I almost started to cry.


ED was not only shrieking at me - he was teasing me; like on the playground when kids would mercilessly tease the fat kid at school. "Haha! That's what you get for eating those fries!!" "Oink oink, piggy!!". I tried distracting myself by going on the computer to listen to music but I looked and saw an empty box of crackers on my desk - queue ED again. "Go figure, a fat ass with empty food packaging all over the place...." I looked down as the tears started flooding my eyes, preparing to curl up in a ball and sob when I heard "Oh my god thunder thighs!!!!" "Someone get a harpoon!!"


I went out for lunch today with some friends and couldn't help hearing "And now you are eating more?? What the fuck is wrong with you!!?!?!?" Since I didn't eat anything else before then, I was uncomfortably full which made it worse. "You know you're a fat ass when you go into a food coma!" "You deserve this discomfort! Let that be a lesson to you, you disgusting piece of shit!"


Ugh, I just want to sleep and not deal with any of this. The worst part is that I need to eat all the food in my apartment before I leave for the summer, but that's the last thing I want to be doing right now!! I have absolutely no intention of eating anything else today, or for a while for that matter; just so I can dull EDs voice for a while. I can't take it, it's awful today.


I am going to need to work really hard to stay  on track, but I am so exhausted. This sucks :(

blah

I sit here in my room feeling rather defeated. It's a pretty awful feeling, but I'm not sure why I have it. My week has been a mix of good and bad things/feelings/happenings. I have been in two performances, played my jury (playing test on my main instrument) and gone to one get together since my last post. I am supposed to be at one tonight but I just don't feel up to it.


I was so happy and relieved to only be bothered minimally by ED over the last while (with a few exceptions). I had some fried foods and didn't even care. I had s piece of a cookie one of my profs made (she is amazing) and didn't think twice about it. I was finally starting to live again to the fullest. I couldn't believe it - I was actually more normal for once!


When I was getting ready for one of my performances this weekend I put on my dress clothes and ED saw his chance to welcome himself back into my head and pounced on it. "Oh my god you look disgusting!!" "What the hell happened??!" "You best hope no one sees this!". I found myself constantly trying to hide different things I was uncomfortable with throughout the day. I would pull my cardigan over my stomach to cover it and pull my pants up to cover my hips. The worst part was that I need food for fuel to focus and give a good performance but I the last thing I wanted to do was eat FOOD. I was in a constant battle with myself all day long. It was like everything went back to normal again and ED clawed his way back into my consciousness. He has impeccable timing - he leaves for a bit just to make me think I am finally free and then he comes back out of nowhere like "Hey fat ass, did you miss me?"


So that was Sunday. Then yesterday was my Jury. I was scared shitless for this because I didn't feel confident in all of the pieces I played. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but I'm honestly just glad it's over.  As soon as I stepped out of the room after playing my pieces ED started talking. "That sucked, what the hell are you doing here??" "If you get a passing mark I guarantee it is out of sympathy, you pathetic piece of shit" "You can't play guitar, you suck at theory, you can't sing or play piano or keep time. You suck at everything to do with music but can't do anything else - why do you even exist??"


Always a pleasure to talk to ED...


Then later yesterday was the recital. I went to my apartment to get ready and ED started getting louder. "Have fun squeezing your fat ass into those dress pants again!" I thought about putting some makeup on and getting really dressed up but then I heard "Don't bother, no amount of makeup could fix that nasty face of yours" "You can't even do makeup very well anyways" So I opted against it and made my way back to campus to perform in the studio recital.


Afterward we all went to my teachers house for some drinks and a nice hang out before the summer. Queue EDs shrill cries. "You don't belong here, these are MUSICIANS - you are embarrassing yourself" "You are going to make a total idiot of yourself, don't go!!"
This morning when I woke up ED was furious. I could hear him shrieking at me over my headache "SEE!!?! what did I tell you? You looked so stupid! - One of these things just doesn't belong here!!" "Why did you eat that food after the recital with everyone?! Now you're going to put on even MORE weight you disgusting little fuck!"


Needless to say I rolled over and stayed in bed for most of the day. I didn't want to deal with anything anymore. I am so exhausted from this year and all of the bullshit life's dealt me so far. Exams could not have come sooner - now I have time to tackle ED and get some much needed rest.


Today is a pretty good example of where I got the title for this blog. In a sense I am currently sitting in a prison that I have constructed for myself since developing my ED. I am at home, not out with friends comfortable in my own misery and self loathing. It is safe and secure - there is no way to make a fool of myself because it's just me. But this is an illusion to look like a comfy resting place - it is actually prison. This little nook that I had believed for so long was safe and secure was the very thing that was keeping me from living my life and therefore became my prison. The longer I stay in it the tighter the locks get and the harder it is to get out. I hate it an love it at the same time. It is my home, my haven and my infernal hell.


I will need to work to get back on track over the next little while.


Until next time,




A very tired fighter

AUSOM party

I was so nervous for this. I didn't want to go and wasn't going to originally, but when I woke up the morning of I decided that I would go. It turned out to be the best idea I've had in a while!!


Every year my school holds the SAMMYS - like the grammys but AUSOM (Acadia U School Of Music) style. There are different awards that can be won by being nominated for like best smile, miss/mr. congeniality, most likely to be found in the lounge etc. It is a formal event that is normally in the music building but because the term has been so screwy it just turned into a semi-formal house party. I have never gone to this before because in first year I was really struggling with my eating disorder (in fact I was probably at the gym for the nth hour that day..) and last year I went home. This year I was here, healthy and wanted very  much to go. There were some things that were holding me back however:

• I don't have any formal attire. Over the summer as one of my homework assignments in therapy was to throw out all of the clothes that reminded me of/I associated with my eating disorder. This included all clothes that only fit when I was a certain size and clothes that made me feel bad when I wore them. Which was all of my formal wear. I found out later that not a lot of people were getting dressed up which then left the next issue...
• Without missing a beat ED came into the picture. "You are going to do something really stupid" "Just do everyone a favour and stay home" "No one even wants you to be there anyway" ... this definitely made me not want to go. When I found out that one of my friends was going we decided to go together - this made me feel a lot more comfortable and confident. Megan has known about my eating disorder for quite sometime now and has been a wonderful support. It made me feel good knowing that she was going to be there with me; this made me calm and able to focus on the now - in that sense she was like my anchor.

Me and Megan at the party

It was a wonderful night with lots of people and music. I even made some new friends! This is very difficult for me, and I'm glad that I was able to meet some really cool new people! I needed a night of just fun after a hard term, it was so nice to kick back with a few drinks and some great friends... It was even worth the hangover yesterday!


Till next time,


Steph

It's Been a While

My bad...


I've been so busy with school it's insane. Fortunately Mother Nature was kind enough to bless me with a snow day which has been a catch up day for me. One of the things to catch up on is this!


So as I mentioned I'm swamped with school. Between studying, practicing and trying to find time to eat it's been wild. It's good and bad at the same time. On one hand since I'm so exhausted all the time, making meal plans slips my mind often. Then I sleep in and forget to pack anything for the day which leads me to have to buy food on campus which is expensive, annoying, unhealthy (sometimes) and never consistent. One day they have some things and other days they're out, so planning is almost impossible -_- In that sense it's bad and rather stressful.


On the other hand, I've managed to keep busy enough where ED can't enter my mind as often as he does because I'm simply worrying or panicking about something to do with school and my upcoming recital. As much as it sucks to be so anxious about school, it's nice to have a sort-of-break from ED for a while. Don't get me wrong, the little shit still manages to follow me around, but I at least get a break for a couple hours here and there


The Recital...


Was supposed to be today, but we are in the middle of a blizzard here in the east coast so it was cancelled. For my solo piece I am playing the most difficult piece I have ever learned here at Acadia. Needless to say I am nervous as all hell. The snow day was a bit of a blessing as I think another couple of days to get it under my fingers was much needed. I will be taking full advantage of this over the next week and a bit.


That said, since I'm on campus for 10 plus hours a day I don't remember to make meal plans, and I keep sleeping in because this year is definitely catching up to me. As a result I end up rolling out of bed and running to school without lunch.. or maybe an apple or something I can grab from the fridge quickly, which is not enough for a 10 hour day. I then need to go to the SUB and get something to eat which has consisted of a wide variety of foods including fried foods (EEEK!), veggies, sandwiches and various other to-go foods.

Even eating veggies can make me feel awful. It might be because convenience foods and such I had always associated as being unhealthy. Realistically speaking they are unhealthy for your wallet, but not necessarily your health depending on what you get - and veggies are definitely not bad for your health!


Sometimes when I wear certain shirts I feel bad or walk by a mirror and feel disgusted. Then ED goes "Oh my god those fries you had yesterday did that!!!!". I fight back the tears and think "ED SHUT UP! I don't have time for your shit my recital is in a week!!"


Usually that can buy me a couple of hours of class time or practice time. I am so nervous for this recital but I'm excited for it as well. This will be the first recital I have performed in that I am completely healthy and happy (basically). ED is not the biggest part of my life and I'm not frail and tired and dreading this recital. I will be healthy and happy and ready to show all of my friends the hard work that I've put in to learn this piece. That's what I keep thinking when ED started yelling at me. I just keep reminding myself why I am doing this; why I went and ate food that I wasn't entirely OK with. It's all because of school and health.


I probably won't be blogging regularly over the next couple of weeks because of the recital coming up, but I will do my best. There will definitely be a post about the recital though, I promise :)

Till next time,


Steph

Point For Me

So as I mentioned in previous posts I have been going to the gym with my good friend. And as I also mentioned, my phone is broken. This became a problem again, as my friend couldn't make it and I didn't get the memo in time which was totally fine, but after the week I had I definitely had an interesting time.


Ed got really pumped. "YES! Now you can work off all the extra calories you that you couldn't when you were sick!" "You need to keep on top of it this time, no more excuses like 'I am too sick', you fat lard"


When I went to the gym while I was engaging in various disordered behaviours a couple years back, I never listened to music because I didn't have an iPod, so I got to listen to ED. To be brutally honest, that's not the best soundtrack to be listening to. Like at all. I didn't mind at the time because I didn't have much interest in music at all then. I know, the music major didn't care about music?!? Sad but true.


Now normally when I go to the gym on my own I listen to music. This is good for a number of reasons;

• I can tune the world out and get in the zone. I just work out and listen to music in my own little world which is good to escape to every once in a while. Plus exercising is only fun with music, honestly if I don't have music I don't want to exercise at all
• I can turn up the music when ED started talking to me. This way I can just focus on the music, not his annoying voice
• It keeps me distracted from how self conscious I am when I'm there by myself. As I also mentioned in a previous post I always feel so envious of the other people at the gym and how confident they look. When I look at them, I can hear ED saying "you will never be as skinny as that girl!" Music is definitely an appropriate distraction because not only does it give me something else to think about, once I go into my own little world it's like that girl doesn't even exist anymore

I could hear EDs voice echoing throughout my head when I realised that Ally would not be joining me for this gym trip. As I got changed into my gym clothes (which are actually leggings and a sweater that I used to wear all the time and sneakers...not running shoes, sneakers. I'm too cheap for that fitness gear) I could still hear the little prick. When I stepped into the gym he got louder; "Look at all these people in actual exercise clothes with proper running shoes, what the hell are you doing here?!!?" "You could at least TRY to hide your flab and bulges, honestly it's sad"


And then I smiled and thought 'cue the music!' I put my ear buds in, and turned on my iPod and to my surprise it said "plug into a power source" on the screen...
I thought, ok well I came all this way, maybe I could try without music for today? I stepped on the elliptical and not even 5 minutes later I was like "Oh my god this is so boring!!!!"
Just as I was about to turn off the elliptical ED was like "Are you insane!? You haven't even started sweating yet! How are you supposed to burn off all that fat, you lazy piece of shit!!??"


I stayed on for another couple of minutes and then I stopped. When I turned the elliptical off I really thought hard to myself. I really had to concentrate to drown out EDs voice, but I managed to long enough to think - will I enjoy myself today? Am I doing this to lose weight, or have fun? Am I here because I want to be or because ED wants me to be?


The answer was pretty clear, so I got off the elliptical and gathered my things to go and change and head home. ED was furious, but I was on cloud nine. I made a conscious decision for myself and my well being, and I was not about to turn around and head back to the gym. If it wasn't going to be fun, I wasn't interested. I got home and made dinner, finished up for the day and went to bed. I definitely felt guilt and some despair but that was just ED being a bitch about it, and he can whine all he wants.


I would say that I gained a point in this all out war in my head. This is the first time in a while, and it feels great :)


These things are possible, I promise. It may take a while, but you can get there :)


Until next time,


Stephanie

Caught a Cold :(

This is very annoying. I don't have time for this. I have two weeks until my recital, three-ish until my jury and then exams. Needless to say I'm stressing out right now, and it's not looking like that is going to go away until I get healthy again. I have stayed home from school today and am going to have to again tomorrow. Being a generally anxious person to begin with, this is not calming as I never miss class. I have also now skipped the gym today and will have to tomorrow. These things combined gave ED a whole frikin novel to shout out to me..


I am always paranoid when I miss class even if it is for truly legitimate reasons like today and tomorrow. You would honestly think I committed a heinous crime or something. I keep thinking that I'm going to fail all of my courses that I miss that day. I keep thinking "but what if the prof goes over something really important today?" or "what if they get test questions from what they go over today?"


That said, the fact that there are two weeks before my recital scares the bloody hell out of me. The piece that my teacher and I have been working on is the most difficult one we've worked on yet, and although it is a beautiful piece that I'm excited to play; I'm also terrified because I haven't learned all of it yet! I mean, we don't have that much more to learn, just a couple more lines. We'll go over that on Wednesday and it will be fine, but that's still cutting it a little close for my liking. This time last term I had already learned my piece I was going to do for my jury (we didn't have a recital) and knew it inside out and backwards. I'm still learning this one. I'm freaking out.

ED is loving it. "You can't do it!" "It was too hard for you anyway, you didn't have a chance" "Have fun choking on stage and making an ass of yourself!" Every time I think of the recital I can hear his annoying voice whisper and sometimes yell in my ear. "Just give up and go home, you're just going to embarrass yourself" Pair that with my exams coming up next month and it's a guilt/fear cocktail.


Now to add to all of that lovely bubbly atmosphere there's the part where I've skipped two days of the gym. This is EDs favorite part. "You fat ass, you are eating more and exercising less??!!" "Have fun watching your ass grow, you're disgusting" "Your ass won't be able to fit into your dress pants for your recital! You'll be exploding out of your blouse!!"


These have been fun to listen to. Really great.


There have been a couple of times I just stayed in bed and didn't want to get up. I'm sick so I needed the rest, but not that way. Stress is only going to make the cold worse and make it last longer. This is why I have been turning back to some of my therapy exercises. I need to keep challenging these thoughts if I'm ever going to gain control over them. I have been challenging them and coming up with alternative, more realistic and logical ways of thinking about this situation.

• Realistically speaking, my profs may very well get a couple of test questions from a lecture or class that day. But they wouldn't base the ENTIRE test/mid term on that one day - I'm pretty sure I'm not going to fail my classes if I miss one day.
• That said, if my teacher didn't think I could play the piece well, he wouldn't have given it to me to learn. He just wouldn't have.
• The recital isn't a fashion show, it's s student recital. It's a chance for the studio to show everyone what we've been working on this year, not how much weight we've gained/lost. Worse case scenario I grow out of my recital clothes and have to buy new ones - shopping trip!!!
• My body needs the extra nutrients to fight off this cold. It's using all of the extra energy, not storing it as fat. If I didn't eat more, the cold wouldn't go away, simple as that. Even if I'm storing some of it as fat, it isn't the end of the world - I still won't by any means become obese

Now, coming up with these took a lot of thought. I didn't just think of them and everything is happy again. They are recurring and definitely still intense at times, even after thinking of alternative thoughts and even writing them down. But I just need to keep thinking of my logical responses to my disordered thoughts. It will take some time, a lot of tears, and no less determination than before but I will keep working at it. I will be healthy and strong, even if i need to take a couple of days off to get there.


I will be posting soon some tips and tricks that I've learned to combat the bad days, and I think some other posts about how you can help someone in this situation. I might also post some links to helpful sites and resources. All in good time though. I am hoping to make this as informational as I possibly can. One of the most frustrating things about an eating disorder is the lack of knowledge that everyone (including the sufferer) has about the illness, so the more information I can give, the better!

See you soon,

Steph :)

My Dilemma

...I've come across a dilemma. Earlier this year I had gotten my food intake up enough so that I was healthy and able to focus. Everything started changing and I felt so much better, it was like night and day. Then I had my mini relapse/large hiccup type thing and fell off the band wagon and noticed a difference. I recently started working on getting my intake back up to normal and at the same time establishing a healthy relationship with exercise. What I didn't realise was that since I was working out and using more energy, that means that I now have to be taking in more energy than before to be able to exercise safely. This never occurred to me before and is becoming more and more apparent every day.


When I started exercising I felt wonderful. I had energy and I was having fun. I started adopting a more positive outlook and a much more energetic attitude. But after the first week I started finding that I was tired all the time and unable to focus on anything. I am absolutely exhausted, and am falling asleep in class - something that I had gotten out of the habit of when I started eating well again. I am getting head rushes when I stand up and find I'm constantly cold. At first when I was freezing all the time I assumed it was just the weird Canadian weather, but when all of the other symptoms started up again a the same time I knew something was wrong. I took a look at my food intake which had been pretty good (for the most part), and looked at my sleeping habits which have also been much worse in the past (again, with only a few exceptions). I was really confused as to why this was happening. Then one day in my nutrition class my prof said something about needing more food when you exercise a lot... which makes sense anyway. It was like a light bulb moment!


At first I was so excited; now that I know what's up, I can fix it! And then I realised that this means actually eating more food. This is the dilemma...


Of course when I realised this, EDs voice got really loud. Like really loud. I got to hear his wonderful thoughts and opinions like..."You're supposed to stuff your face even more than you already are?!?!", "Oh now you've done it, now you're going to gain even MORE weight!", "What if you didn't have more? it could be our little secret..", "You can't have more fat ass, you're not allowed!!", "Are you nuts?? This is your chance to fix the damage you've done!" ...to name a few.


Through the day I can hear "You know, if you don't have lunch you won't have to worry about burning off both lunch AND breakfast at the gym later.", "You just worked off all that food from today, why ruin a good workout by eating supper??" and "Well if you must stuff your face, only have vegetables; they won't add too much to your ass and you won't look so pathetic."


It got even worse when I kept getting shitty marks back. Since I was losing control of school ED used that for ammo as well.. "Just stick to losing weight, at least you're good at that", "Bitch wake up! you can't hide behind your learning disability, you're actually just a dumbass. Why are you in school?", "You will never be good at anything without me! Why can't you get it through your stupid head!?!". It really just creates a domino effect every time something goes wrong in my recovery. When I start having issues I feel bad about it, and then it usually effects some aspect of my life which makes me feel even worse. So I try and fix one aspect of my life and some other aspects fall by the wayside as a result. It's just a vicious circle.


It gets so exhausting, honestly... if I could spend one day outside of my head I would be the happiest person on earth...


Anyway, so when I started falling asleep in class, and slipping on my guitar practicing/progress, and losing interest in school in general I got pissed. This was one thing that ED took from me before - the two things I love the most; music and school. I won't let it happen again. Just no.


It's going to be a long and hard road, but I need to keep going no matter what. I just keep thinking "Fit, Strong, HEALTHY!". If I need to eat more to achieve that, than so be it. Bring on the carbs!




Until next time,


Steph