Update

So sorry for the last post - I was not in a good place. I had a lot of stuff piling up, and all of the emotions that go with it was just a lot, so I shut down. This can happen, especially when your mind is a complete shit storm to begin with. I'm not sure if I've explained this before on this blog, but the shit storm goes something as follows;


I am already down and depressed, feeling like shit for whatever reason... usually my body, lets be real here. Anyway, so I'm already upset and then a stressor of some kind comes along. And then another one. And another one. This is especially bad when I'm at school, for obvious reasons. When this happens a storm begins (that's worse than the one already going on..). One thought after another goes through your head that's everything from "I have to get this and this and this done" to "How am I supposed to get it all done?!?" "This paper is horrible, I'm going to get an awful mark!" "OH MY GOD MY JURY IS NEXT WEEK!!!!". Now imagine how much amo this gives ED. Add that to the already ED riddles thoughts that I have on a day to day basis. Heck, let's add some anxiety to that and you have a complete shit storm going on inside your head.

The only reason I'm not writing all of these thoughts is that there are simply too many; which is what constitutes a shit storm in your head. There are so many awful thoughts going on at one time that you actually can't concentrate on one. If you ask me what is wrong while this is going on, chances are I would say "I don't know". It's not because I don't actually know what's wrong, it's that I don't know where to even start to say what is going on. Have you ever seen footage of a tornado or hurricane or inside a title wave? What about falling in water and getting completely disoriented? You can't just focus your attention on one thing because there's so much going on and it's a complete chaotic and disoriented mess.


This is what was happening during my last post. I had had one of those earlier and it had calmed down enough for me to type and post that. From there I began picking apart my head and seeing what I could work on. I had a huge help though, and her name is Megan


She saw this post and invited me to get a hot chocolate with her. This was like an anchor or something that stays still during this storm. Something I can orient myself with, which gives me a better chance at figuring out my brain. We had a lovely talk and I felt so much better. To be honest I don't know what was bugging me 100% but I could at least start chipping away at it after because I could step away from it, and see a smiling caring face lending a helping hand.


I spent part of today crying in the music lounge in my friends arms because the storm started again. I sat with two of my friends Mama (Lauren) and Stephanie for probably an hour-ish crying because I was so miserable. I have the greatest friends a person could ask for. I really do.


After I got home I realised that part of my stress was coming from my roommate. She is a sweet girl, but deals with stress by lashing out at anyone around her. Since we live together, that usually ends up being me. I am extremely sensitive to begin with, so I don't do well with this. Not to mention that I have stressors of my own. I used to be ok with it, and think that she is so much busier than me, so I shouldn't say anything. But the more that I think about it I realise that no one deserves to treated this way. That's not fair, regardless of who is busy and who isn't. So I am beginning to stand up for myself. It's hard, but this year living with her has caused me so much stress and I can't handle it anymore. Last night she went too far and I'm not going to be treated like that anymore.


On top of that my work load makes me cry silently to myself at night. So there's that.


The last couple of weeks I have been feeling absolutely horrible about my body. I can't stand it. I don't want to look in the mirror and I don't want to look down. I sit down and hear "WOW your legs have gotten wide!" "WHAT HAPPENED??!?!?!" and "How do your pants still fit??" When I walk I can feel the extra weight I've put on. I can't help but listen to ED sometimes.
I don't get a good mark and I get to hear "If you're going to be nasty, you could at least be smart!!" It has been overwhelming the past little while. I know I have to eat, but I don't want to just so I can dampen his voice, at least for a little while. Then I do eat and feel awful and get acid reflux on top of that "Go ahead, purge - you need it anyway, and the reflux will go away!"


It has been a huge struggle lately in every way. I don't want to do anything except curl in a ball and forget this semester happened in the first place.


I am starting to feel better though - starting with the help of my friends. I had a guitar lesson today and told my instructor everything. He always has a way of making me feel better and giving great advice. He said - and I need to start telling myself this- that I can only do what I can do. No more. I have to stop being so hard on myself because in the end, I did my best; and that's all I can do.


I have to keep saying that to myself. Eventually it will sink in. It gets easier because of all the wonderful people I have around me. My math teacher pulled me aside and asked me if I was ok as well. It feels good to know that someone cares. Even sometimes when you don't know why they possibly would (which is also something I have to learn to challenge..) the fact is that they do.

UGH

Not the best day today. I feel off in every way, shape, and form.


I've just been feeling down. I find myself loathing everyone and everything. I haven't felt this miserable in a while - and it was pretty nice to be honest. I got too used to it.


I feel awful about my body and it's taking everything I have in me to eat. I just keep telling myself that these term papers can't be written without proper nourishment. The scales and etude for my jury can't possibly be memorised and I can't learn course material for exams without properly nourishing my body. Maybe that's where part of the stress is coming from - all that I have to do. I fucking hate November. Too much to do before the end of the term, and usually this is when it begins to snow - and it has. I hate snow.


My neighbours are driving me insane. My room is basically in their apartment so I can hear one of those bitches stomping around all the time. If they're going to be up late - so am I because everything they do is amplified in my room. I am tired and miserable and want to curl up in a fucking ball and do nothing. Worse is I have to go home in a month. I hate it there. The only reason I want to go home is to see my sisters. I am pretty excited about that though.


I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I don't think I want to know. I'm tired of trying to figure it out and getting nowhere - or more confused if I manage to get anywhere. I would rather hide away somewhere and forget that this shit show circus of a world exists. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I'm sick of this shit. Over it. Beyond done.


Fuck this.
Sorry for the woe is me, but jesus fucking Christ. This is bull shit.

Kindness

It's hard to come by and when it does you're almost floored. Even from someone you know is wonderful and sweet and caring - when the time comes that they do you a favor, it feels weird. Not because you're surprised by the kindness, but the thought of it being shown to you in the most genuine and sincere way possible.


I am the worst singer you have ever heard in your life. I cant hold a note to save my life unless I'm doing it in some weird ass voice that makes me sound like an idiot. My social skills seem to have transferred to my music - when I act like a total idiot I become confident. Drop that goof-ball-façade and I am really awkward and uncomfortable. Behaving like the dumbass has become somewhat of a safety net for me, and when I sing, I do so in the weirdest most ridiculous voice I can possibly think of. This makes people laugh and lightens the mood which in turn makes me laugh and loosen up (which is the very same in social situations).


Today an amazing friend of mine has helped me take steps toward being comfortable with my singing voice - the real one, not the Stewey/old man/hillbilly/whatever else I can pull out of my ass impression. I have a test tomorrow in my preliminary keyboard class in which I have to accompany myself on piano while I sing two Beatles tunes.

When my prof dropped this bombshell on us I thought I was going to throw up. I sang at my last test and it didn't go well at all. It was seriously horrible. The thought of doing this again and for now TWO different songs is terrifying.


Queue SUPER MEGAN!!!!!!!!


We started singing and playing together and after a while, she faded out and let me sing. Then she would fade back in and out and after a while she just stopped all together and let me play and sing on my own! I couldn't believe it! Me, SINGING AND PLAYING ON MY OWN SUCESSFULLY!!!!!
She helped me work through a lot of anxiety and insecurities that I never knew I could get through, and I am forever grateful for that. I have realised that this is much like the body accepting and self acceptance that I had to learn when I started recovering.


I had to get used to the fact that this is the body I have, so rather than hating it I might as well put it to good use. Rather than hating the person that I am, I might as well put myself to good use. This goes for singing too. No one likes their voice, and everyone at one point or another is nervous about singing. This is the voice I have, so I might as well put it to good use! Learning to accept my voice for what it is will be hard if it's even half as difficult as learning to accept my body was (and truth be told, still is). If I can learn to accept my body though, I doubt there's anything I can't learn to do! And, with the help of my amazing friend kick starting the process, I am pretty excited for this now!