Busy Busy Busy

As you can probably tell from the title it's been busy. I have been working so much over time at work that when I get home I am too exhausted to do anything. On weekends I have plans with this person and that person, so I am pretty exhausted overall to say the very least - at least for the past few weeks.


Last weekend was a terrifying one. I went to a dear friends house for a party. She is my cousin but we are really close and she's practically a sister - therefore she is a good friend of mine. This was not like previous parties that I go to at school all the time because at those parties (in Nova Scotia) I know everyone there. In this case I was meeting new people. I knew a grand total of two people there - my cousin Katie who was hosting the party and my other cousin Laura she had invited who I am also close with. No one else.


I had been dreading this all day long. I was so terrified that when I was getting ready earlier that day I was crying silently to myself. As the day grew later and I got closer to leaving my hands were actually shaking. On the way over to her house my heart was pounding and my stomach was doing flips and turns; it felt like I was walking the Green Mile. The walk seemed to take forever and I wanted to cry some more, and turn around and go back home and pretend that I never got the silly idea that I would be able to function in this kind of a social situation. It was possible since I knew she would understand.


Let's not forget about ED. That stupid fuck was with me the whole god damn time. When I got changed into my outfit I heard "CELLULITE!!!!!" "Why are you wearing a tank top?? Your man shoulders and gut are going to be soooo visible!" "How many times am I going to have to remind you that you suck at doing makeup before you finally give up!!?!?!" "Your legs look disgusting!!" "Just do Katie a favour and don't go!!". It got pretty hard to hold back the water works shortly before I left for her house.


I had talked to Katie earlier about my concerns and she was so understanding and supportive. She told me that if I was uncomfortable I could leave and she wouldn't be offended. She also told me how nice her friends are and that they would make me feel really welcome and I found out later that she was so right. I knew that she would do whatever she could to make me feel comfortable - and that she did.


When she opened the door she took my hand and introduced me to the people I was so afraid to meet. One by one she introduced me to her friends that were there and they all seemed really nice. I was still nervous - afraid of making myself look like an idiot, of embarrassing my cousin, saying something completely stupid. I had been picking myself apart all day and throughout the night and was afraid that they would find all of the imperfections and flaws that I tried to cover up. I was afraid that I would be the downer and make everything awkward for everyone because I can't hold a conversations to save my life. ED kept screaming at me "Just go home, you're boring everyone and making them feel awkward!" "There's an elephant in the room... literally and figuratively!". I looked around the room at everyone and heard "Everyone here looks so good! What are you doing here again??" "Their makeup is so much better, yours just looks caked on" "Their outfits look good on them... you look like shit!". ED is always a great party guest.....


There I was; the hopelessly awkward kid watching her every move and choosing her words so very carefully  so as not to make a fool of myself. My cousins stayed by me and made sure I wasn't too uncomfortable. They were absolutely wonderful, I really couldn't ask for a better support system. They definitely helped me in conversations and reassured me when I needed it. I am so thankful and grateful that they had my back, it really meant the world to me. I love those girls so much.


As the night went on I was beginning to get more comfortable..... until everyone went in the hot tub.


Being around people in bathing suits is a very uncomfortable thing for me. I never tell anyone because how do you honestly say to someone "excuse me, could you put some clothes on? You're making me uncomfortable..."?
Not that there is anything wrong with other peoples bodies - it's simply that I hate mine so much. It continues to baffle my mind that someone could be comfortable enough in their own skin to wear a bathing suit and have a good time without even thinking about it. This has been a completely foreign concept to me for years. It can make me so jealous and envious.


As the night continued on though I realised that these people are all different shapes and sizes and it didn't make them any less beautiful. They have flaws, imperfections and probably a very long list of things they are self conscious about. But I just see very nice and wonderful people who are beautiful just as they are.


No one chased me out, or made fun of me. No one made me feel unwelcome; in fact, I made some awesome friends that night that I got to see again last weekend at another get together. I'm so glad that I went to the parties and so thankful to my cousins for being there for me, I love them so much.