update

This week I have started going to the gym. This has triggered some mixed feelings. I love exercising. I love listening to music and forgetting the world exists. I love turning all of my stress into physical energy and exerting it. More importantly though, I do it to be healthy.


I have been feeling kind of crumby about my body lately. It certainly hasn't been as bad as in the past, but with the various milestones in recovery that I have achieved, ED was bound to get pissed off sometime. I find that it is in different ways though; allow me to attempt to explain (as best I can...I'm not entirely sure that I fully understand it myself to be honest, but I will give it a go..).


I have recently been noticing things about my body (more than usual) that I do not like, to say the very least. When I sit down I hear "Wow, thunder thighs!!!" or when I put on pants that used to be tighter than they are I hear "You know what that means!!" as loud and obnoxiously as ED can be. The thing is though, I have been coming to realise that what I look like doesn't really matter that much anymore. I am no model, and I'm ok with that because I know that I am healthy. My body is my body, and weather I like it or not this is what is healthy for me. This size right now is healthy and happy and will allow me to do things with my life that I never could've dreamed of when I was restricting/purging. Even when I am angry with myself (which still happens quite often) I know that starving is not the answer, nor is abusing my body by over exercising. Yes I have bad days, although I haven't really had one in a while... once the term picks up that might change though.


When I do start hearing ED I think about how healthy I am and all of the things that are waiting in the future for me. I am able to then go about my day. That's where the trouble comes in, and where it gets hard to explain, but here goes nothing.


When I think through these thoughts rationally, I begin to wonder if that is me thinking rationally or me making excuses for all of the pigging out I have been doing lately. Is that then me wondering these things, or is that ED? Have I been eating too much junk food in the name of recovery or just as an excuse to have foods that I would otherwise feel bad about? Realistically speaking, I would sometimes feel bad, but was that my own voice of reason because I was having way too much junk or because that was ED?


It is all very confusing...




Anyhoo, with these in mind I have been trying not to let it effect my exercising. I do it for enjoyment and as a de-stressor. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons, however I am walking a very fine line right now. I think I am going to need to take some time for reflection...


I suppose that's all for now. It's been a weird week...