Ed got really pumped. "YES! Now you can work off all the extra calories you that you couldn't when you were sick!" "You need to keep on top of it this time, no more excuses like 'I am too sick', you fat lard"
When I went to the gym while I was engaging in various disordered behaviours a couple years back, I never listened to music because I didn't have an iPod, so I got to listen to ED. To be brutally honest, that's not the best soundtrack to be listening to. Like at all. I didn't mind at the time because I didn't have much interest in music at all then. I know, the music major didn't care about music?!? Sad but true.
Now normally when I go to the gym on my own I listen to music. This is good for a number of reasons;
- I can tune the world out and get in the zone. I just work out and listen to music in my own little world which is good to escape to every once in a while. Plus exercising is only fun with music, honestly if I don't have music I don't want to exercise at all
- I can turn up the music when ED started talking to me. This way I can just focus on the music, not his annoying voice
- It keeps me distracted from how self conscious I am when I'm there by myself. As I also mentioned in a previous post I always feel so envious of the other people at the gym and how confident they look. When I look at them, I can hear ED saying "you will never be as skinny as that girl!" Music is definitely an appropriate distraction because not only does it give me something else to think about, once I go into my own little world it's like that girl doesn't even exist anymore
I could hear EDs voice echoing throughout my head when I realised that Ally would not be joining me for this gym trip. As I got changed into my gym clothes (which are actually leggings and a sweater that I used to wear all the time and sneakers...not running shoes, sneakers. I'm too cheap for that fitness gear) I could still hear the little prick. When I stepped into the gym he got louder; "Look at all these people in actual exercise clothes with proper running shoes, what the hell are you doing here?!!?" "You could at least TRY to hide your flab and bulges, honestly it's sad"
And then I smiled and thought 'cue the music!' I put my ear buds in, and turned on my iPod and to my surprise it said "plug into a power source" on the screen...
I thought, ok well I came all this way, maybe I could try without music for today? I stepped on the elliptical and not even 5 minutes later I was like "Oh my god this is so boring!!!!"
Just as I was about to turn off the elliptical ED was like "Are you insane!? You haven't even started sweating yet! How are you supposed to burn off all that fat, you lazy piece of shit!!??"
I stayed on for another couple of minutes and then I stopped. When I turned the elliptical off I really thought hard to myself. I really had to concentrate to drown out EDs voice, but I managed to long enough to think - will I enjoy myself today? Am I doing this to lose weight, or have fun? Am I here because I want to be or because ED wants me to be?
The answer was pretty clear, so I got off the elliptical and gathered my things to go and change and head home. ED was furious, but I was on cloud nine. I made a conscious decision for myself and my well being, and I was not about to turn around and head back to the gym. If it wasn't going to be fun, I wasn't interested. I got home and made dinner, finished up for the day and went to bed. I definitely felt guilt and some despair but that was just ED being a bitch about it, and he can whine all he wants.
I would say that I gained a point in this all out war in my head. This is the first time in a while, and it feels great :)
These things are possible, I promise. It may take a while, but you can get there :)
Until next time,
Stephanie
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