Update

So sorry for the last post - I was not in a good place. I had a lot of stuff piling up, and all of the emotions that go with it was just a lot, so I shut down. This can happen, especially when your mind is a complete shit storm to begin with. I'm not sure if I've explained this before on this blog, but the shit storm goes something as follows;


I am already down and depressed, feeling like shit for whatever reason... usually my body, lets be real here. Anyway, so I'm already upset and then a stressor of some kind comes along. And then another one. And another one. This is especially bad when I'm at school, for obvious reasons. When this happens a storm begins (that's worse than the one already going on..). One thought after another goes through your head that's everything from "I have to get this and this and this done" to "How am I supposed to get it all done?!?" "This paper is horrible, I'm going to get an awful mark!" "OH MY GOD MY JURY IS NEXT WEEK!!!!". Now imagine how much amo this gives ED. Add that to the already ED riddles thoughts that I have on a day to day basis. Heck, let's add some anxiety to that and you have a complete shit storm going on inside your head.

The only reason I'm not writing all of these thoughts is that there are simply too many; which is what constitutes a shit storm in your head. There are so many awful thoughts going on at one time that you actually can't concentrate on one. If you ask me what is wrong while this is going on, chances are I would say "I don't know". It's not because I don't actually know what's wrong, it's that I don't know where to even start to say what is going on. Have you ever seen footage of a tornado or hurricane or inside a title wave? What about falling in water and getting completely disoriented? You can't just focus your attention on one thing because there's so much going on and it's a complete chaotic and disoriented mess.


This is what was happening during my last post. I had had one of those earlier and it had calmed down enough for me to type and post that. From there I began picking apart my head and seeing what I could work on. I had a huge help though, and her name is Megan


She saw this post and invited me to get a hot chocolate with her. This was like an anchor or something that stays still during this storm. Something I can orient myself with, which gives me a better chance at figuring out my brain. We had a lovely talk and I felt so much better. To be honest I don't know what was bugging me 100% but I could at least start chipping away at it after because I could step away from it, and see a smiling caring face lending a helping hand.


I spent part of today crying in the music lounge in my friends arms because the storm started again. I sat with two of my friends Mama (Lauren) and Stephanie for probably an hour-ish crying because I was so miserable. I have the greatest friends a person could ask for. I really do.


After I got home I realised that part of my stress was coming from my roommate. She is a sweet girl, but deals with stress by lashing out at anyone around her. Since we live together, that usually ends up being me. I am extremely sensitive to begin with, so I don't do well with this. Not to mention that I have stressors of my own. I used to be ok with it, and think that she is so much busier than me, so I shouldn't say anything. But the more that I think about it I realise that no one deserves to treated this way. That's not fair, regardless of who is busy and who isn't. So I am beginning to stand up for myself. It's hard, but this year living with her has caused me so much stress and I can't handle it anymore. Last night she went too far and I'm not going to be treated like that anymore.


On top of that my work load makes me cry silently to myself at night. So there's that.


The last couple of weeks I have been feeling absolutely horrible about my body. I can't stand it. I don't want to look in the mirror and I don't want to look down. I sit down and hear "WOW your legs have gotten wide!" "WHAT HAPPENED??!?!?!" and "How do your pants still fit??" When I walk I can feel the extra weight I've put on. I can't help but listen to ED sometimes.
I don't get a good mark and I get to hear "If you're going to be nasty, you could at least be smart!!" It has been overwhelming the past little while. I know I have to eat, but I don't want to just so I can dampen his voice, at least for a little while. Then I do eat and feel awful and get acid reflux on top of that "Go ahead, purge - you need it anyway, and the reflux will go away!"


It has been a huge struggle lately in every way. I don't want to do anything except curl in a ball and forget this semester happened in the first place.


I am starting to feel better though - starting with the help of my friends. I had a guitar lesson today and told my instructor everything. He always has a way of making me feel better and giving great advice. He said - and I need to start telling myself this- that I can only do what I can do. No more. I have to stop being so hard on myself because in the end, I did my best; and that's all I can do.


I have to keep saying that to myself. Eventually it will sink in. It gets easier because of all the wonderful people I have around me. My math teacher pulled me aside and asked me if I was ok as well. It feels good to know that someone cares. Even sometimes when you don't know why they possibly would (which is also something I have to learn to challenge..) the fact is that they do.