HISHDG IUHI;SANLB;KFCNJFHDK

Uummmm, so fuck.


Things are going downhill fast. I am miserable. Like I could slap someone right now simply for having the nerve to exist and be totally fine with it. Everyone and everything bothers me. Everyone and everything stresses me out and overwhelms me. I feel like shutting down. Just throwing in the towel and saying "fuck it" and staying in bed for forever. I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone or accomplish anything.


This sucks. It fuckin sucks


On Thursday I tried to take a stand against ED. I was so hungry and tired because I hadn't eaten much in a couple of days and was up late doing homework. I went to the SUB to get some caffeine in the form of diet pepsi and while I was there I saw some pizza that made me practically drool. I thought "you know what? Fuck ED, I'm hungry and need food... and pizza is like the cheapest thing here.."


Walking up to the cash register was horrible. I was shaking and almost sweating. It was like walking the green mile. I could hear ED protesting the whole damn time. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?!?!?!?!?" "STOP!!!!!". When I got back to the music building ED had subsided enough to be able to hear my own thoughts. I ate the pizza and drank the pop and then all hell broke loose. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO?!?!?!" "HAVE FUN WEARING THAT ON YOUR ASS!!!" " YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT, OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD'VE EATEN - PIZZA??????!!!?!?!!?!?!?!".


ED hasn't been this invasive in so long. He still gets loud, but not like this anymore.... till now at least. It's hard to hear my own thoughts right now. I am struggling big time. I've been living off diet pop and crispy minis for the last while. I find when I want to have something like fruit or veggies because they're low in fat all I hear is "You don't deserve nutrients, you little fuck up". So I opt for something with no fat and little other nutritional content - hence the crispy minis.


The worst part is that in the back of my head I know that I need nutrients but every time I think about ED shoots it down immediately. I feel so lethargic and my head hurts all the time now. It's like a hangover that lasts forever only every time I think about fixing it I hear ED. Right now I prefer the "hangover" to ED. I just can't do it right now.