McDicks

So as I have mentioned in previous posts, recovery seems to be picking up pace significantly. This past weekend I went to a show in Halifax to see some local bands play with my friends Ryan, Paige, and Don. It was a great performance, and the bands did really well - they sounded great!

Don before the show :P

Right before we left I had a muffin for supper because I didn't have time to make something with nutritional value. This in itself was exciting as I am still getting used to muffins. We went to the concert and while we were there I got a text from an idiot boy that made me feel pretty crumby. I won't go into details about that or anything, but a REALLY  long story cut really short - basically there was something there and then he texted me and said that he was seeing someone else instead. Out of nowhere. Like WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?!?!?!


Anyway, I was completely dumbfounded and didn't know how to feel. Do I feel stupid for getting excited and thinking something was going to happen with this guy? What made him choose someone else? Why was he just telling me this now?


For the rest of the concert I was feeling kind of down (for obvious reasons). Then I looked over at my friends and decided that I wanted to just have fun for the rest of the night; I wasn't going to let some stupid boy ruin my night with my wonderful friends. It was hard, but I tried my best to just have fun the rest of the night.


We all decided that we were really hungry and weren't going to make the hour car ride home on an empty stomach especially since some of them were moshing/head banging which takes up a lot of energy. I had also only had a muffin for supper and by the end of the show was uncomfortably hungry. We went to a McDonalds because it was easy and who doesn't love a big mac??


I go to school in a small town with no McDonalds so I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to challenge myself while it was there. I am not quite ready for big macs yet, and hadn't had McDonalds in probably almost three years. So I wanted to start slow. I couldn't deny that I really missed the fries there so I got some of those and some chicken nuggets (mmmm fake meat). This is when ED went to overdrive.


"It's 11:00pm, you just had a muffin for supper and you're adding this to it!??!" "There's no fucking way you can burn off all that fat and grease before you go to bed!!" "Have fun walking around with that on your ass, cow!!" ED's great. No really, it's like having some kind of growth that throbs all the time and can't be cured no matter how much disinfecting cream you pour onto it...


Anyway, I kind of figured that ED's voice would be loud after the earlier events. This was an exciting night though - I HAD MCDONALDS FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME IN THREE YEARS PEOPLE!!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!!!! :D  I knew that I wouldn't regret it forever and when ED subsided I would be able to see it for what it is - an accomplishment. I trusted my gut, logic and reasoning to fuel my hungry stomach for the treck back home.


The rest of the night and the next day were pretty rough though. I got to hear "You're boring, that's why he picked someone else." "It's not like it would've been a hard choice between you and ANYONE else you know. Let's be real here." Your friends left the concert early because you were moping about someone you didn't even have a chance with in the first place. You were bringing everybody down so they wanted to leave." .... you get the picture..


So I tackled these thoughts with some of the tools I learned in therapy and was able to at least dull ED. So far so good. Until this week when I didn't have time to go to the gym because of school work and was FURIOUS. This is a red flag - this is ED fighting back in a different way. When this happens I don't let myself go to the gym as it tends to be for the wrong reasons. I am right now refusing to go to the gym until I can see it for what it is supposed to be - a fun, HEALTHY stress reliever. Nothing more, it has NOTHING to do with losing weight. If I were to go now, I would be reinforcing that it is to lose weight which would make it WAY easier to fall back into eating disordered habits again. Therefore when I can think about exercise in a healthy way again I will go to the gym, and not a minute before.


It's hard though. I want so badly to "reverse" the "damage" I feel like I've done. God damn this sucks. It will take some hard work but it's gotta be done :/


Till next time