Tired

I'm currently sitting on my bed having slept all day. I have had the worst few months and I'm getting really tired of facing every day with a fake ass smile on my stupid face. I've spun a web too big and thick to handle. This cluster fuck is kicking my ass hard. I don't know what way is up anymore.


Over the summer I took two online courses (a grade 11 chem and 12 chem) so that I could switch into nutrition. It kept me so busy that I didn't have time to post at all. I would get home from work (in a frikin warehouse which was exhausting enough) and start working on school and go to bed. Repeat cycle.


My youngest sister was teaching me the grade 11 stuff. I don't think she'll ever know how grateful I am for that. I never would've gotten through it myself considering I hadn't taken a science course in 7 years and I have a learning disability that makes reading comprehension extremely difficult (so naturally taking an online course that consists of reading material made the most sense). Then it was time for the grade 12 which my cousin helped with, and Kahn Academy and Crash Course. I got back to Wolfville early because I always come back early and I had to move into my new apartment. I got in contact with my chem tutor who helped me start the course before I left and her and I put in an insane amount of hours to get this course done in time. The original deadline was when course registration ended. The teacher was near impossible to get a hold of so I couldn't get my marks in before then. The head of the chem department at my school gave me an extension to the end of September. I literally JUST met it because when I asked the teacher to open the exam so I could write it (when he finally got back to me) he opened a unit that had been closed before and had opened the exam but not in an easy spot to get to. This was also a whole fiasco but eventually I finished the course completely with the help of my amazing tutor and wrote the exam. The marks were in the day before the second deadline.
I felt even more of a need to do well with this because I had found out in the meantime that my dad told my sister that he didn't think I could do it. He also spent the entire summer trying to convince me to switch back to music. Even now he is. I texted my mom to tell her that I had finished the course and she told me that he wanted her to inform me that there was a job posting for a non certified music therapist in my hometown..
How do you tell your asshole father to fuck off without actually saying it? Now I have to Skype with my family at some point this weekend and I would rather blow my fucking head off.


Unfortunately now I have a months worth of work at this school to catch up on. I didn't want to get too immersed because if I missed the second deadline it was all over, plus I couldn't really concentrate that well because of the deadline. I would be sitting in stats class thinking about covalent bonds and Hess's law. Wrote a slew of midterms that were all failing marks and missed I don't even want to know how many assignments. Now for the "break" I need to catch up on all of that.


Switching has been an even bigger culture shock than I thought it would be. I lost count of how many times I had been sized up walking into every one of my classes, on the first day alone. Since I am in all first year classes I get to listen to "Oh my god she slept with him? What a bitch!" and "Can't wait to get fucked up tonight! I still have to buy vodka for tonight, do you have your fake ID on you?"
The culture is completely different. I'm used to being around music students where everyone welcomes everyone and no one judges. In my first chem lab, I asked the girl across from me if she could help me out with balancing a couple of the equations we had, and she sized me up and reluctantly just gave me the answers as like a "go away". I miss seeing my friends all the time. I miss belonging somewhere. I miss not having to worry about what people say about me when I leave the room.
I keep wanting to switch back, but for what? I was not made to be a music therapist. I would sit in my classes and think about how much I didn't want to be there. I didn't like music the way that I did before and I felt trapped there, doomed to start a career that I wasn't interested in. I love my nutrition classes and I love learning the material that they involve, it's just discouraging when you feel like you don't belong anywhere anymore and your learning disability makes all of these classes extremely difficult.

My apartment that was supposed to be made in the upstairs of my landlords house is STILL being built. His kids have since moved away and him and his wife don't need the upstairs and he figured he would turn the upstairs into a couple of apartments so I signed a lease for a single apartment with my own bathroom, bedroom and kitchen which was to be completed on September 1st. I got back to move my stuff in the week before and it looked the exact same as it did before I left in April. Literally no change. I had a bedroom and the surprise that I was actually sharing my bathroom with a new tenant down the hall. Over the summer my landlord had him move in and offered him my bathroom without informing me, so this was news when I got back. It turns out that he is great and clean and stuff, but still WHAT THE FUCK??? this is not what I signed up for!! As of right now I have been eating out every day because I didn't have a kitchen. I have been slowly acquiring a kitchen. A couple weeks ago I got a table with chairs, about a week ago was a stove and just yesterday (or the day before I can't remember) I just got a fridge. I can hear my land lord working on it right now and it's fucking 10:30 at night. It is extremely expensive to eat out. I have lost a ridiculous amount of money because of it and gained an uncomfortable and noticeable amount of weight.


When I got back, my ED saw this lack of progress as an opportunity that he pounced on. "Oh darn, that's expensive, maybe save some money and don't eat.." "You're already home, no sense in going all the way to town to get food and lose homework time"
After a while I noticed it was having very negative effects again, so I decided to nourish my body as best as I could when eating out all the time. The problem is that there isn't a lot of variety for someone who doesn't have the money. I am sick of every single fast food place in town. The thought of subway, naked crepe, joes, any place on campus, makes me want to throw up. And as I said I have gained a disgusting amount of weight.
On the plus side, I just got a fridge so I'm going to the grocery store to get some good food to nourish my body with. I don't want anything at all, but I need it and I know that and at this point I would eat shit over fast food. A friend and I are going to be going to the gym together starting this week. She has had struggles with food in the past so we are going together so I can show her healthy exercising habits. This will be good for me because as I mentioned in a previous post, I have to practice what I preach. I want to go for hours again, but I can't.


In the meantime, while all of the above was (and is) happening I met a guy that seemed promising right before I left for Ontario before the summer. We kept in touch till the last couple of weeks before I came back for school. He started being a dick and sent me a sassy text so I left him alone because he obviously wanted space. He didn't talk to me for a week and when he did it was just a mini journal entry. I was mad so I didn't respond. I never heard anything from him. I felt like I had been tossed aside which gave ED amo. "You're nothing special, he's moved on - he's probably fucking someone else right now" "Why would you think that you could ever have a relationship with anyone? That implies that someone would want you"
I was at a party with some of our mutual friends and got his number from one of them (I had taken him off of fb and my phone out of anger and fear. That's how I deal with things - I just say FUCK IT! and block people rather than deal with conflict) and asked him if we could meet up. We did and he explained himself and although I was still kinda mad I forgave him. He then mentioned at the end of the meeting that he had slept with someone else about a week prior. I was so angry I told him to leave. Que ED: "HAH! I was right!!!" "Told you! He got over you so fast!!"
In the meantime I thought about it and realised that at that point we both thought we were done, so I couldn't blame him that much. And to be honest, if I hadn't been cooped up in my room studying I probably would've found someone for a hookup. He just could, so he did.
We decided to give it a try again and he just last night said he can't balance school and a relationship (he's in 6 classes and 3 labs). To be honest after now about a month of watching my phone and almost never hearing from him and always being too busy to hang out with me it's probably best, but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less. Que ED again: "He's just doing that so he can fuck that other girl - she is the same major as him after all" "She's probably prettier and smarter and way more attractive than you anyway. Even if he picked you, he would be thinking of her. Wouldn't be surprised to hear him say her name instead.." "He said it isn't you, but so would anyone - trust me, it's you"


I don't know anymore. I'm tired and exhausted. I need help but I don't want it and I'm too tired to ask for it. I just want to curl up in a ball and forget everyone exists. I don't know what to do with my life and I'm tired of it. All I know is that I'm miserable and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Sorry this was so long - but it has been quite a few months...