Adventure

Holy shit balls

I am in tears now after going to the grocery store. It took me all freaking day to work up the nerve to go. I was supposed to go this morning when I had some energy but the thought of being around all that food was terrifying.

Since I have been struggling with wanting to break out of this and being too damn scared to, going to the grocery store had its own complications. Will I buy foods that are not by any means safe foods because I have a rebellious "fuck you" moment? What if that in itself makes me feel horrible? What if I only buy safe foods and find later I have made a solid resolve to fix this and can't because I only have safe foods at home? I'm a student so I don't want to make 100000000 trips to the grocery store! Is that my inner fat kid trying to make me gain weight again or my voice of reason who wants me to be healthy again? What if I get the urge to buy junk foods/fear foods? That is so embarrassing!!!!! How disgusting of me!!!!!

Needless to say I avoided it all day and stayed in bed.

Later (like much later... the evening) I texted my boyfriend because I was hoping he could make me feel better. I was not disappointed, and as usual he was amazing. He video called me saying that since he couldn't be there physically for me, he would call and talk to me. I felt a lot better after talking to him (as always) and decided to make a list and stick strictly to it. I watched some funny YouTube videos to help calm me, got ready, and made my way to the store.

I was TERRIFIED and SOOO uncomfortable but I stuck to my list and hurried so I could get the hell out of there. I went up to pay for my groceries and realized that I forgot my fucking wallet. Of course.

I almost broke into tears, asked the cashier if I could get my wallet and come back in a few. They were closing soon...it's 11pm here, their closing time, and at the time it was like 10:40 at the time. When I got home I wanted to just stay home and sit by myself and calm down, but the cashier was so nice and was waiting for me, so I decided to go back with my money to pay for the purchase. I called my boyfriend when I got home again and he was amazing, again. We couldn't talk long because he has to get up for work tomorrow morning but he stayed up late to talk to me and make sure I was ok before he went to bed.

Even though I am just finally calming down after writing this (posting has been really helpful!), I am pretty proud of myself. I went to the grocery store, got everything I needed, and even had to come back a second time; all without losing my composure (until I got home, that is..). Sure I wish I could just go to the store like a god damn normal person, but for now this is pretty good.