Admittedly this is a very different experience this time around. Now that I know a lot more about food because I switched my major to nutrition, I am not avoiding foods that I used to before - fruits, rice, potatoes, ect. Albeit, I'm still significantly restricting; just not with the same things as before.
I noticed some thought patterns that I'm not used to this morning. I have lost a moderate amount of weight considering I have been avoiding the gym like the plague. I can't help but miss my curves and huge boobs. They were something that I quite enjoyed and now they're basically gone. At the same time I want to keep getting smaller. I want to keep restricting and exercising more because I don't feel like I'm losing the weight at a satisfactory rate. Today it felt like I missed my curves more than I wanted to restrict.
I thought to myself, you know what? I'm tired of my entire body shaking all the time, being dizzy, falling asleep all the time and not being able to sleep through the night to save my life. I made a resolve to say fuck this, I'm done with restricting. As soon as the thought came into my head I had an overwhelming feeling of fear and anxiety at the very thought of not restricting anymore. I instantly thought "ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?!?!" and stopped with those nonsense ideas. But they are still lingering in the back of my head.
I'm conflicted again, and it's so annoying. I want to be healthy and happy again and eat a goddamn full sized meal without freaking out. I want to go to a friends house for a movie night and eat popcorn without freaking out when I get home, thinking WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! (true story, happened not too long ago). At the same time I don't want to give up the little bit of control I have gotten that gave me the energy/confidence I needed to get through my day, I don't want to be exploding out of my clothes anymore. I don't want to constantly look at my body with disdain.
Quite simply, I'm afraid. I'm confused as hell and it is really scary for me.
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