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I sit here in my room feeling rather defeated. It's a pretty awful feeling, but I'm not sure why I have it. My week has been a mix of good and bad things/feelings/happenings. I have been in two performances, played my jury (playing test on my main instrument) and gone to one get together since my last post. I am supposed to be at one tonight but I just don't feel up to it.


I was so happy and relieved to only be bothered minimally by ED over the last while (with a few exceptions). I had some fried foods and didn't even care. I had s piece of a cookie one of my profs made (she is amazing) and didn't think twice about it. I was finally starting to live again to the fullest. I couldn't believe it - I was actually more normal for once!


When I was getting ready for one of my performances this weekend I put on my dress clothes and ED saw his chance to welcome himself back into my head and pounced on it. "Oh my god you look disgusting!!" "What the hell happened??!" "You best hope no one sees this!". I found myself constantly trying to hide different things I was uncomfortable with throughout the day. I would pull my cardigan over my stomach to cover it and pull my pants up to cover my hips. The worst part was that I need food for fuel to focus and give a good performance but I the last thing I wanted to do was eat FOOD. I was in a constant battle with myself all day long. It was like everything went back to normal again and ED clawed his way back into my consciousness. He has impeccable timing - he leaves for a bit just to make me think I am finally free and then he comes back out of nowhere like "Hey fat ass, did you miss me?"


So that was Sunday. Then yesterday was my Jury. I was scared shitless for this because I didn't feel confident in all of the pieces I played. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but I'm honestly just glad it's over.  As soon as I stepped out of the room after playing my pieces ED started talking. "That sucked, what the hell are you doing here??" "If you get a passing mark I guarantee it is out of sympathy, you pathetic piece of shit" "You can't play guitar, you suck at theory, you can't sing or play piano or keep time. You suck at everything to do with music but can't do anything else - why do you even exist??"


Always a pleasure to talk to ED...


Then later yesterday was the recital. I went to my apartment to get ready and ED started getting louder. "Have fun squeezing your fat ass into those dress pants again!" I thought about putting some makeup on and getting really dressed up but then I heard "Don't bother, no amount of makeup could fix that nasty face of yours" "You can't even do makeup very well anyways" So I opted against it and made my way back to campus to perform in the studio recital.


Afterward we all went to my teachers house for some drinks and a nice hang out before the summer. Queue EDs shrill cries. "You don't belong here, these are MUSICIANS - you are embarrassing yourself" "You are going to make a total idiot of yourself, don't go!!"
This morning when I woke up ED was furious. I could hear him shrieking at me over my headache "SEE!!?! what did I tell you? You looked so stupid! - One of these things just doesn't belong here!!" "Why did you eat that food after the recital with everyone?! Now you're going to put on even MORE weight you disgusting little fuck!"


Needless to say I rolled over and stayed in bed for most of the day. I didn't want to deal with anything anymore. I am so exhausted from this year and all of the bullshit life's dealt me so far. Exams could not have come sooner - now I have time to tackle ED and get some much needed rest.


Today is a pretty good example of where I got the title for this blog. In a sense I am currently sitting in a prison that I have constructed for myself since developing my ED. I am at home, not out with friends comfortable in my own misery and self loathing. It is safe and secure - there is no way to make a fool of myself because it's just me. But this is an illusion to look like a comfy resting place - it is actually prison. This little nook that I had believed for so long was safe and secure was the very thing that was keeping me from living my life and therefore became my prison. The longer I stay in it the tighter the locks get and the harder it is to get out. I hate it an love it at the same time. It is my home, my haven and my infernal hell.


I will need to work to get back on track over the next little while.


Until next time,




A very tired fighter