Exhausted

I knew this would happen. I knew it was only a matter of time before I couldn't drown out ED's voice anymore. Being so busy with school was great - until school ended and I was left alone with ED. Yesterday was when it got really bad, and since then I have been having a really rough time.


The hours are starting to feel like years again. Everything is losing its newness and freshness that I had once seen so vibrantly upon realising that ED didn't matter anymore. I could see the bleakness creeping back in, and feel the air getting heavier and thicker. I had so many things that I wanted to do with my time off of school before heading home and starting work again - now I don't want to get out of bed. I know that I would need food to fuel me in order to do most of these things, so naturally I'm losing interest in them.


I recently did my laundry which naturally makes your clothes shrink a bit. It had been a while since I had done laundry - which I blame student life for - so my clothes had a while to stretch out and get comfy, disguising the weight I've gained since the last two week crunch of school; during which time I had gained a noticeable amount of weight. I hadn't had time to notice this weight until I put on one of my pairs of pants (which had shrunk back to regular size in the wash) and was absolutely mortified. They were tight - like actually uncomfortably, embarrassingly tight. I almost started to cry.


ED was not only shrieking at me - he was teasing me; like on the playground when kids would mercilessly tease the fat kid at school. "Haha! That's what you get for eating those fries!!" "Oink oink, piggy!!". I tried distracting myself by going on the computer to listen to music but I looked and saw an empty box of crackers on my desk - queue ED again. "Go figure, a fat ass with empty food packaging all over the place...." I looked down as the tears started flooding my eyes, preparing to curl up in a ball and sob when I heard "Oh my god thunder thighs!!!!" "Someone get a harpoon!!"


I went out for lunch today with some friends and couldn't help hearing "And now you are eating more?? What the fuck is wrong with you!!?!?!?" Since I didn't eat anything else before then, I was uncomfortably full which made it worse. "You know you're a fat ass when you go into a food coma!" "You deserve this discomfort! Let that be a lesson to you, you disgusting piece of shit!"


Ugh, I just want to sleep and not deal with any of this. The worst part is that I need to eat all the food in my apartment before I leave for the summer, but that's the last thing I want to be doing right now!! I have absolutely no intention of eating anything else today, or for a while for that matter; just so I can dull EDs voice for a while. I can't take it, it's awful today.


I am going to need to work really hard to stay  on track, but I am so exhausted. This sucks :(