Fighting It

I am sitting in my room right now desperately fighting the urge to purge the only real food I ate today. I met up with a good friend of mine this afternoon...


Actually I think good friend is a bit of an understatement. Ally has been such a wonderful friend to me this year. She has taken me under her wing and been such a wonderful mentor to me. Coming back to school this year after my hiatus was so hard for me and I was so scared and unsure about everything. I had known her before, but only started really talking to her by chance, and it turned out to be the luckiest thing ever. Like EVER. She has given me guidance, advice, and helped me get back on track to recovery. I owe a lot of my successful year to her and words can not describe how thankful I am that she is in my life. She's graduating this year *sniff sniff* so we wanted to meet up again to catch up and see each other as much as possible before we part ways.




Me and Ally. I'm gonna miss this girl so much

Anyhoo, so she and I were talking and I realised that I really should have at least something. So I steamed some broccoli and cauliflower and while I was waiting ate a scoop of peanut butter. I don't have much food in my apartment as I am heading home in a couple of days and don't want to get groceries, so I have to work with what I have; and that's what I came up with. I'm not used to eating much anymore, so naturally I am so uncomfortable right now. Like holy shit.


I don't want to move, and I just want to purge and get rid of it all - both to relieve the discomfort and the anxiety from eating. As I was eating my plate of broccoli and cauliflower every bite was awful. I had to force every bite down my throat and honestly wanted to cry. ED was loving it. "That's right, keep stuffing your face you worthless piece of shit." "You look so pathetic right now." "Say goodbye to that nice flat stomach that you've achieved over the last week!" "Have fun watching your legs and ass grow even fatter!" 


To say I've fallen off track would be a bit of an understatement right now...


I haven't gotten that upset about eating anything in a long time. This is definitely not a good sign. I'm thinking at this point it would be a good idea to get back in touch with my recovery team from back home - summer break sure had good timing...


Till next time..


Steph