I need help

I need help.

I am going to my friends house tonight and we’ve been planning it for a while now. I wanted to drop out, but It’s a murder mystery so everyone has to be there and I’ve never done one of these. I am positive I would be more excited if ED weren’t going to be accompanying me. I actually am 100% positive I would be because I was ecstatic when he first told me about it.

We are meeting for dinner and then heading back to his place to start the mystery. This is making me PANIC. Dinner? Right now? When I’m struggling (and by struggling I mean fucking not even doing it) to eat breakfast or lunch? Oh shit…

As I was thinking about this I found myself immediately doing a mental scan of mealhall and thinking of where the soup and veggies were. This then led to me inevitably figuring out how many calories this would entail ingesting. I started thinking of where and when I could purge without anyone noticing. I started wondering how awful I was going to look in the costume of a Hollywood diva (my character for the murder mystery); how could I still fit the part, but hide all of the less than attractive features of myself that need to be hidden.

Que ED “It’s just like old times!” “this is so exciting! I’ve missed this!” “See, you are nothing without me. You need me.” “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe”.

These thought processes are far too familiar. It is becoming very clear that I have taken more than a few steps back in my recovery. This is more than just a hiccup that I can work through. I need help. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I am going to need to see my counsellor again.

I don’t miss the “good ol’ days”. I don’t want ED back. I want to have fun with my friends and enjoy mealhall pizza (a cuisine of the gods that I miss a lot since moving off campus. Nothing is the same). I am already getting back the perpetual cold feeling accompanied with dizziness and head rushes. I can’t process things as clearly and I am walking around with a headache in a daze all the time. Taking a shower this morning damn near knocked the fucking wind right out of me and I had to sit down for a few minutes. I hate this. I don’t want this to be my world anymore, but I can’t seem to get out of it this time.

Words cannot describe how badly I need and want help. Hopefully I can get an appointment sooner than later