It's been an interesting week including friends and food adventures. It's been stressful and rewarding at the same time.
Saturday I got to go out for dinner with a few girlfriends. It was so nice to see them again, I missed them while I was away at school. I remembered times we had gone out a couple of years ago and I would be so uncomfortable I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself. One time we went to a café in town where they got cheesecake. At the time my ED was at it's worst. I had lost so much weight that the pants I was wearing (in literally 25 degree weather) were falling off of me. This is no exaggeration, I was literally holding them up because they wouldn't stay on my waist - if I didn't my pants would have fallen to my ankles in middle of the café. I sat there with a bottle of water the entire time just wanting to get the hell out of there.
This time was different. Now I can actually have fun with my friends and be present and in the moment. We went to East Side Mario's for dinner. Pasta is a huge fear food for me; there was a time I wouldn't stay in the same room as a plate of pasta. It is still a big fear food, but because I know how to cope I can prepare myself ahead of time and act accordingly. I ordered soup and a salad which were delicious, and had a wonderful time with my friends. I feel so comfortable around them and because they know about ED they are so understanding and I always really appreciate the support and love they give me more than words can express.
After dinner we got some treats from the store and went to one of my friends house to take a dip in her hot tub and enjoy a bonfire afterward. Considering I can't even comfortably wear shorts, I will not wear a bathing suit - no way no how, so I just sat on the side and dipped my feet in. Of course I could hear ED... "You are so fucking weird! you can't even get in a bathing suit!" "don't even think about it, if you look terrible in shorts you will look horrendous in a bathing suit!" "try a moo moo, you would look better in one of those... and maybe not so disgusting" I just kept my mind on the conversation with my friends and the good time we were having.
My friends were so understanding and wonderful and we had a lot of fun. I snacked on jelly beans and marshmallows (the very few sugary treats I am comfortable with....don't ask why, I have no idea).
Monday my dad and I had just got off work and we went to Canadian Tire for some fertiliser on the way home. We walked past some Jiffy Pop popcorn and he smiled - it was a childhood favorite of his. I had mentioned that I had never had it before; just as a statement, not implying that I wanted to take part in eating it as popcorn is also a fear food. He was outraged (jokingly) and stated that no kid of his will go through life never having tried Jiffy Pop, picked one up and purchased it. I was freaking out silently. "Oh now you did it! watch that already fat ass of yours grow even bigger after eating THAT!" "I hope you're happy - you've managed to ruin your disgusting body even more!" "that butter is going to go straight to your ass you know!" "Can you say CELLULITE?"
When we got home I thought "ED FUCK OFF!" and decided to try some popcorn with my dad. This was the first time in a year that I've eaten popcorn and I was thoroughly freaked out but felt victorious at the same time. I had had a couple of pieces here and there before when I was feeling brave but never an actual serving - like a few handfuls! And it was delicious!! I thoroughly enjoyed my popcorn with my dad as we watched a movie.
Yesterday was yet another food adventure. A good friend of mine at work Rebecca, really had a craving for some chocolate. Chocolate is right up there with pasta on the fear food scale for me. Holy god can it make me uncomfortable. I can drink hot chocolate and chocolate milk no problem, but ask me to eat solid chocolate - even chocolate chips - and I bolt. She offered me a piece and I really thought hard about it. All I could hear for a while was "CELLULITE!!" "GUT!" "THUNDER THIGHS!" and then I thought really hard about it. If Rebecca is not fat by any means and quite a pretty girl and she is eating the whole chocolate bar; than I'm pretty sure that one square of the chocolate bar will not ruin me. I decided to have a piece. This was a HUGE deal. I told her and she told me that she was very happy for me and it made me feel even better. She is so wonderful and supportive. I know that I can always talk to her and she genuinely cares, which is hard to come by. She is very sincere, so the fact that she said that means A LOT to me.
Later that night was pretty rough though. I could hear stupid ED nagging at me all night. Even though it sucked that ED used that against me, I am still glad that I did it. I need to get more into the habit of taking control. This is MY life, MY body and what I decide to do with it are MY decisions, NOT ED's!
Even though this prison is quite comfy, I've grown quite tired of it, so I'm moving out!
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