Hi There!
Sorry it's been a while. After coming home I basically got one day of rest and then started work again - which has been draining. So, so draining. Don't worry though, I'm still here :)
A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks, I don't even know where to start! Lets see..
When I first got home I knew it was time to start eating at least a little bit better because I was going to work in a warehouse. This means manual labour, lifting, sweating, walking, climbing - LIFTING. It takes a lot of energy to be able to keep up there, which means that you need to eat well. I worked there two years ago when my anorexia was really bad and honestly have no idea how I did it - it's such hard work. That said, I knew I had to be healthy and well fed and nourished for the summer if I was going to be of any use at all. It was tough to increase my intake - it was filled with A LOT of acid reflux and anxiety, but I have managed to get to a place where I can work efficiently without worrying about passing out in the middle of one of the isles.
Re-increasing my intake was a pain in the ass as always. I had acid reflux like you would not believe. I was eating Tums and peppermint gum like they were going out of style. It was awful because while I was having acid reflux I couldn't help but want to purge. It would help my stomach to not go insane and I wouldn't have to worry about weight gain. I could remember after a binge when I would feel uncomfortable and guilty and my ED would say "That's you're cue! go to it!". It was like clock work.
I resisted and got my intake up almost to what it used to be. I still have some work to do, but at least for now I can keep up at work.
I got to meet with some friends that I missed so much while I was away at school. It was so wonderful to see them again. Usually we would meet in a coffee shop and catch up on each others lives and such. It almost always involved food of some sort which was always nerve racking. I tried an apple fritter for the first time in my life. It was really tasty, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel any guilt. Especially since I had it really late.
I can get uncomfortable after eating after certain times. These times have changed over the last couple years, for instance; When my anorexia came back with a bulimic side kick I wouldn't eat past 3pm unless it was to binge and then purge. Lately it has been 7pm. This is enough time to have dinner and then a light snack if need be before I go to bed to hold me off until the morning. When I have food after that I always fear that my body won't be able to burn off the energy that I ate and it will be stored as fat over night. If you eat before a few hours before bed it gives your body the time it needs to use the energy you took in that day. This is lightly based on fact, but my ED has twisted and contorted it to make a distorted thought that I still struggle with to this day.
Any-old-hoo.
Last week was my sisters school band performance which was held at her high school (my old high school). I hated that school. Whenever I walk anywhere near that part of town I get so uncomfortable and want more than anything to leave. I was bullied in grade nine and the names still follow me today. Whenever I walk around that school or even surrounding area I can recall different things that were said to me at that corner or in that room or that field. I could tell you who called me ugly or a loser in front of that building, and I could tell you who stood there and watched or laughed. Even though by the end of grade nine it had been resolved and I made new friends I still carried those names and labels with me all throughout high school. This put my confidence level at a perpetual low and thus opened the door to ED.
I wanted to see her play though (rockin' the clarinet, just like I did!) so I braved that piece of shit school and went to the performance. I just focused on my sister and the music, and ignored the triggers and reminiscent (and unpleasant) scenes that were playing out in my head all over again. It was a great performance, and my sister did really well. I was glad that I went, but very relieved when it was time to leave.
This weekend I cut my hair and donated it. It was a huge transformation for me, and it's still taking a while to get used to. I got so many compliments on FB and at work!! It made me feel all warm n' fuzzy :3
It was the first time in YEARS that I was able to hear a compliment and take it for what it was. I didn't hear ED saying "They're just being nice" "You actually look like shit, just no one wants to say anything" which was a pleasant surprise. ED, however, found a new way to make me miserable.
I kept thinking - or ED was telling me, rather - "Since all of the attention is on you, people are really going to start noticing that belly you've got going on there" "Great, now people are definitely going to notice your thunder thighs!". I really do appreciate the compliments, but my god ED is annoying! Even after I got my hair cut I started picking myself apart. "Does it make my face look wide?" "Oh no, now I can't cover up my man shoulders!". Gah, it gets exhausting.
I recently started having a rougher go again with food needless to say....
That said, my work is having a free BBQ for employees on Friday and I am scared shitless. I am so terrified that ED will somehow get louder than he already is. I am already hearing "Oh my god, don't have anything - you'll overeat!" "You know people are going to notice how much you get; better to just skip it" "You're already eating so much and have gained so much weight, do you really think this is such a good idea?" all the time, and it's only Wednesday! This is gonna be tough...
I will be sure to post an update on that on Friday.
Till then, sorry about the frikin novel...
Steph
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